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sweet innocence
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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sweet innocence |
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checkers_oz New Member
since 2002-10-06
Posts 2QLD, Australia |
Sweet innocence silent fields below belie my craven stance, spread out in the morning sun, bare to circumstance Wind playing over the intimate folds of a petals sweet enchantments New to the day, stretching lithely for the sky, in innocence a dew drop falls, caught by an unfolding bud, begins its advance Down silken petal it slides, towards the inner sanctum of enticements, Slowly spreading at journey end, coaxing, a release of perfumed fragrance Locked together in a ritual dance, natures own romance A breeze of gentle illusion, enters from the valley end Built up in cresendo over the field, a porweful portend Till the canyon wall it reaches, expended upon its base It fades away, back into the pasture and a loving embrace Evening calls swiftly now, the flowers all spent Waiting on the morn, again they will be in ascent. Thanks  |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Checkers This is an interesting poem because although it displays many of the errors of a new writer the metaphor (which incidentally appears to me to anything but innocent) has been quite cleverly conceived and handled. First the errors: Erratic capitalization Incorrect punctuation Missing periods Dubious commas Missing apostrophes Spelling errors Confusing diction (especially first line) Clunky rhythm Abstract or overblown modifiers Inversion to achieve rhyme (last line) To correct these errors you really need to purchase a good handbook or guide to writing poetry, maybe: A Poetry Handbook Mary Oliver or In the Palm of Your Hand:The Poet's Portable Workshop Steve Kowit Both can be bought at Amazon. On the plus side you have clearly put some thought into the construction of the poem and the way in which the images mesh with the metaphoric suggestions, or maybe that should be suggestiveness. Rob |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi! Welcomed to PIP! I enjoyed reading your poem. Here are a few suggestions: [Since the title speaks of innocence, the reader expects a depiction of innocence. But we are told that the flower is spread out, bare, and enticing. Also, the "below belie" alliterative sequence is distracting.] silent fields below belie my craven stance, [If the poem begins in first person singular [my] then it should consistently remain in that viewpoint.] spread out in the morning sun, bare to circumstance Wind playing over the intimate folds of [my] petals' sweet enchantments New to the day, stretching lithely for the sky, in innocence a dew drop falls, caught by an unfolding bud, begins its advance Down [my] silken petal it slides, towards the inner sanctum of enticements, Slowly spreading at journey end, coaxing, a release of perfumed fragrance [We are] locked together in a ritual dance, nature[']s own romance [Both flower and dew drop reach a climax. The last line: ".... nature's own romance," is telling us what we have just been shown. Showing is more effective than telling. Let the reader derive meaning from what is shown instead. Otherwise the magic of the description will be weakened by the sudden intrusion of the explicatory voice from somewhere. It's like if I say: "Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went her lamb was sure to go" and then added as an afterthought, "An illustration of friendship." See? The reader will say: "Why is he telling me? I know that!" or "Who is speaking here, the lamb, or Mary? It is like an unidentified voice from the dark suddenly intruding upon a play with explanations.] [Let's shift to another area. I agree with the previous suggestion about punctuation and spelling. Always pass your composition through a spellchecker before submitting it. I once submitted a poem and when it came back with a rejection slip I noticed that I had a glaring spelling error right at the outset. Probably the editor's eagle eye latched on to it immediately and my poem made a very graceful parabolical flight to the rejection bin. LOL! Below are the two spelling corrections.] A breeze of gentle illusion, enters from the valley [] Built up in [crescendo] over the field, a [powerful] portend Till the canyon wall it reaches, expended upon its base ["Until it reaches the canyon wall and expends itself upon its base." Sounds more natural and avoids the accusation of wrenching word order so as to be more poetic.] It fades away, back into the pasture and a loving embrace Evening calls swiftly now, the flowers all spent Waiting on the morn, again they will be in ascent. [Here you introduce many flowers into the scene. If the poem is focused on the experience of one flower, then introducing another image at the end of many flowers is not good. It is like writing about an intense experience that a woman named Jane had. Then suddenly, at the end of the story bringing in that all the other women too, by-the-way, were tired from the identical experience. See the point?] [Hope I have been of some help.] [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-15-2002 11:21 PM).] |
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