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Critical Analysis #2
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Never Was It Always
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Never Was It Always |
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TJDoat Junior Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 26 |
Never was it always A paper dream, so surreal, yet so real. The echo grows louder, the sound of glass, breaking, throughout my mind. Still I dream………. deep within my slumbers, an open door, an open mind, softly shut, slam behind. No more I dream….. the raindrops fall, from my eyes, from the clouds, and the morning breeze, and the mourning heart. So cold it was, still cold it is, frozen memories, I embrace no more, thoughts of you I’ve held too long. Still I recall, your touch, and I know, “It’s the memories I embrace, and you no more”, in a paper dream, with an open door, an open heart, SLAM BEHIND, Still I embrace you in my mind. The pain grows louder, the unbearable sound. I’ve waited so long, so I wait some more, In a paper dream, With a lock tight door. I awoke last night, a paper dream a handful of tears, left on my soul. Dogs howled in the distance, a sorrowful song. I asked my self, “Why wait so long?”. No answer came, so I’ll wait some more, in a paper dream, till I open the door. -------------------------------------- -Jason [This message has been edited by TJDoat (10-03-2002 10:31 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jason Weiesnbach - All Rights Reserved | |||
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lizzy-luv Junior Member
since 2002-10-12
Posts 20new hampshire..oh, the hicks abound |
i really like the third to last stanza. it flowed well. you might want to work a little bit on your imagry. it's lovely and accurate......but.....i dunno. try a few changes, maybe. or don't if you like it how it is. i think it's pretty effective. 'love is a dangerous angel'(Fransesca Lia Block) |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like the title and the first three lines. After that, I feel that you let emotion override what (in some places) is neat wordplay. There are a lot of generalities here, which I think may distract the reader from what I think is a really neat premise- the memories of a loved one in paper dreams (that is, poems)- you've got a one-up there- at least you're doing something conceptually different. I would try to get your language to do the same thing. For example: 'The echo grows louder, the sound of glass, breaking, throughout my mind.' First of all, cut some of the commas. They're distracting. Secondly, I think you could make this cliched image much mroe interesting by adding some specifications. Instead of just saying glass breaks, why not pick something made of glass? A window? Drinking glasses? A knick-knack? A mirror? You could introduce symbolism that way. And instead of it just generally being in your mind, you could place it specifically somewhere in your mind, maybe playing up on the previous symbolism. For example: The sound of a breaking mirror in the closet of your mind. This is only an example on my part- be creative. Think of exactly what you want this poem to get across, and get some images in there to convey it. You have opportunities like this throughout the entire poem, but really, it needs mroe focus. Like, I don't know who is gone, in this, or why. Did a girlfriend leave? Did a mother die? More details are essential. Hope I've helped, and welcome to the CA forum. |
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TJDoat Junior Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 26 |
Wow, I thought this guy had fallen off the board completely, he'd been wandering around at least a week, with nary a "how do you do?"............ I like the title and the first three lines I am proud of the title this guy has taken on, it just works so well, it feels so wrong(grammaticaly that is), two opposites combining. 'The echo grows louder, the sound of glass, breaking, throughout my mind.' First of all, cut some of the commas. They're distracting. Secondly, I think you could make this cliched image much mroe interesting by adding some specifications. Instead of just saying glass breaks Good idea on the commas there.............. The glass is meant to be general. You saw a broken mirror, I see a whiskey bottle(others might see a window, wine glass, etc.), I wanted that open ended, fill in the blank, make it personal  . Like, I don't know who is gone, in this, or why. Did a girlfriend leave? Did a mother die? Back to the fill in the blank, it's harder for you to make it relate to you, if I have made all about me........... This poem is meant to be abstract/surreal, I set that up in the first lines.......... "A paper dream, so surreal, yet so real" This is meant to convey the message that strange things are afoot, and at the same time hopefully make you accept them("yet so real"). I don't know if it works that way for you, though that is how it was intended. I wrote this guy nearly 13 years ago while still in highschool,December 1989. I wanted to write in a style that hadn't been done yet, I don't think I accomplished that. I tried regardless. I have since learned alot about writing and writers. I have become a huge fan of Burroughs, and Ginnesburg. In the mean time growing farther away from the classical type poets. We don't live in the past, the future keeps coming, and along with it innovation. I will post some more recent poetry here on the board shortly. I am thinking maybe "Speaking in Tongues", written last year. Please let me know what you think........... -Jason |
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TJDoat Junior Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 26 |
sorry double post....... [This message has been edited by TJDoat (10-13-2002 09:53 PM).] |
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TJDoat Junior Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 26 |
sorry double/double post....... [This message has been edited by TJDoat (10-13-2002 09:55 PM).] |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
this poem needs to be tightened up majorly. the short lines with arbritarily inserted commas are maddening. consolidate your thoughts and images and then do the same for poem. also avoid cliches like breaking glass. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
"Back to the fill in the blank, it's harder for you to make it relate to you, if I have made all about me..........." NO!!!!! Sorry, but I truly think you are thinking in a way that makes it really hard to get good poetry. You said you're a Ginsberg fan? Okay. I'm going to assume you've read Howl. (If not, you probably should, it's pretty much his trademark poem...) Anyway, in Howl, I don't read pages and pages of descriptions about his friends because me and my friends like to stay up all night walking around NYC on Benzadrine, or because we're all crazy, or gay, or like jazz, or smoke pot... it's HIS individual experiences that make it interesting. You can't expect the reader to fill in the blanks all the time- hell, if that's what I wanted, I'd go buy some Mad Libs. Poetry isn't supposed to be that arbitrary- a poem can't describe everybody. I think that some areas being left open ended can be good- but an entire poem that depends on the reader for everything is just being lazy. Direction and deails from you, as a writer, are ESSENTIAL. Otherwise, I might as well just write my own poem rather than read yours. I need to be interested in what YOU have to say, not what I ahve to say. |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I enjoyed reading this poem. The surreal, pensative, melancholy mood is effectively reproducd. Thanks for sharing! Here are my suggestions: Never was it always A paper dream, so surreal, yet so real. The echo grows louder. the sound of glass.... [] [The phrase "....throughout my mind." is redundant] Still I dream [[] Redundant] an open door, an open mind, softly shut, slam behind. No more I dream…. the raindrops fall, from my eyes, [This last expression is a cliche. It has been used too often in popular songs which readily come to mind.] from the clouds, and the morning breeze, and the mourning heart. So cold it was, still cold it is, frozen memories[] I embrace no more[] [Perhaps the occasional use of "very" instead of "so" is best.] thoughts of you I've held too long. Still I recall, your touch, and I know, “It's the memories I embrace, [It is the memories I "cherish" "treasure" avoids word repetition.] [] in a paper dream, with an open door, an open heart, [The use of "heart" might be viewed as a "cliche" Perhaps, "...an open "mind" or "spirit" is better?] SLAM BEHIND, Still I embrace you in my mind. ["...I accept you..." avoids word repetition. The "...in my mind..." phrase is redundant. Acceptance is always done and assumed to be done with the mind.] The pain grows louder, the unbearable sound. I've waited so long, so I wait some more, In a paper dream, With a lock tight door. I awoke last night, a paper dream a handful of tears[] left on my soul. [The use of soul might be viewed as a cliche.] Dogs howled in the distance, a sorrowful song. ["Dogs howled a sorrowful song in the distance" seems to flow better. But that is just a matter of personal taste.] I asked myself, “Why wait so long?”. No answer came, so I'll wait [The reader knows it is some more]. In a paper dream, ["until" "Till" might be viewed as a poeticism]. I open the door. |
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