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Critical Analysis #2
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Prints of you.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Prints of you. |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
I'm not sure if I've shared this poem before. If you've seen it before then here's your chance to zip on by. ------------------------------------- Let me sip from the vessel of your composure, wallow in the scent of your aroma, taste the aura of your eyes and be drunk with notions of potions of you divine. Your smile disrobes me, dissolves all pretense of control. I struggle to keep lucid trains of thought on track, my modus operandi flounders; jaws drop in wonder at the way you sip on a straw, toss your hair in the wind, cast the shadow of your lashes 'neath layers of my skin. I remember every angle we carressed, every contour dripping sweat, hearts mocking at forget in a song not full sung yet. |
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| © Copyright 2002 YeshuJah Ibsen Amadeus Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like this. You the flow is really cool- it has a soft sound to it. I especially liked: 'jaws drop in wonder at the way you sip on a straw, toss your hair in the wind, cast the shadow of your lashes 'neath layers of my skin.' Flow, rhyme, and imagery here are just so neat... the perfect mix of intricacy and simplicity. Only a couple of nits: 'wallow in the scent of your aroma,' The scent of your aroma? A little redundant... I think if you picked an actual tangible scent that a woman gives off, this would be much more effective... or, if that seems like too much, you could just leave it at 'the scent of you.' 'and be drunk with notions of potions of you divine.' I think the 'notions of potions of' is just very clunky sounding... Maybe you could rearrange it, something like 'notions of your divine potions?' I don't know, that's not great, maybe it's too plain, but I think it flows a little better... Other than those couple of things in the first stanza, I thought this was excellently written. Hope I've helped. 'Well, I will not be an enemy of anything |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Yesh, There are a couple of areas that kind of bother me in your poem. First, in the first stanza, I am wondering if you could find another word for 'wallow'...when I hear that word I think of the farm and a certain animal *smile* and 'the scent of your aroma' is as hush says-- redundant, so this line I think needs a bit of reworking. I have a question for you, how do you taste the aura of someones eyes? Maybe it's just something that is not clicking with me, don't know. The notions/potions... I would rather you skip the internal rhyme and perhaps just go with 'be drunk on the notions of you' or something like that, it's up to you. Should the last line in the last stanza perhaps be 'in a song not yet full sung?' When I read that line I automatically switch those words around so I am thinking that I'm on to something here. lol Just my thoughts Yesh, hope they helped. Enjoyed, caterina |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
That's a heck of an energetic write you got there! Wow! Did the paper you write it on spontaneously combust? LOL! Just kidding my friend! God bless! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
That's all I have to say......WOW!!!!!! Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
hush- thanks for reading the verse. 'wallow in the scent of your aroma' I agree with you, this is redundant. I'll seek a better line.. don't have one yet. 'drunk with notion of potions of you divine' I want to keep this- only because I wanted to portray the admirer as so shook up as to be falling all overthemselves in the presence of the other-- the clunkiness is intentional; hope that explains the use. I appreciate the help, and am glad you found this well written. Caterina- the admirer 'is' that farm animal in the presence of 'the object of wonder'; but I can see the trouble the imagery could generate, I'll see what I can do to change that but keep the picture I wanted to paint. 'how do you taste the aroma of someone's eyes?' You don't- but the admirer has lost coherent thoughts; see ' I struggle to keep lucid trains of thought on track' Don't know about the last line, by thta I mean I don't know if that's incorrectly rendered; but that's what I wanted to say. Thank you, for the observations. Radrook- Nah.. I wrote it on my trusty ole compute- Glad you liked this, it was fun to write. Thanks. Kris- WOW!!!!! says a lot. Glad you like this. |
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lizzy-luv Junior Member
since 2002-10-12
Posts 20new hampshire..oh, the hicks abound |
hmm, i liked. your style is really comforting, somehow. i wanted to wrap myself in this poem. be warm and loved like the object of its affection. it was sweet and nicely romantic without being nausiating. 'love is a dangerous angel'(Fransesca Lia Block) |
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Capricious Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 89California, USA |
Hi there. I have to agree with the previous readers and say this was a very comfortable piece, if a bit too mushy in parts. Let me sip from the vessel of your composure, wallow in the scent of your aroma, taste the aura of your eyes and be drunk with notions of potions of you divine. I second (third?) the “wallow in the scent of your aroma” critique. Even deleting the line entirely would be a quick fix, if you’re into that. I was momentarily annoyed by the “notions/potions” rhyme, but on a second and third read it grew on me.  Your smile disrobes me, dissolves all pretense of control. The first line is delightfully suggestive and playful, making the second seem even more squarish and awkward than it is. Reminded me of an old commercial where the husband slides in behind the wife as she is cooking in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her hair: “Something smells good ..” he says, “is it you?” “No!” she replies cheerily, “It’s Campbell’s Bean n’ Bacon!” I struggle to keep lucid trains of thought on track, my modus operandi flounders; jaws drop in wonder at the way you sip on a straw, toss your hair in the wind, cast the shadow of your lashes 'neath layers of my skin. I think you could do without the second line here, though I realize it refers back to the trains in the first. Perhaps: “I struggle to keep lucid trains of thought [As] my modus operandi flounders;” Second line was particularly enjoyable, btw. Not altogether sure about layers of skin, though. Makes me think of parasites and grafts. I remember every angle we carressed, every contour dripping sweat, hearts mocking at forget in a song not full sung yet. Last two lines are clunky. Not being a language guru, I’m not sure what part of speech “forget” is playing here, but it’s always bothered me when used that way. The last line just seems like inexpertly forced rhyme – I’m curious why you thought it necessary, given that you had no real rhyme pattern going in the previous stanzas? Not too bad, despite all my apparent protestations to the contrary. |
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