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TJDoat
Junior Member

since 2002-09-29

Posts 26

0 posted 2002-09-29 04:39 AM

Hi, I'm new here,  was looking around and I like what I see. I thought I might post a short poem. I've never let anyone see this one before. There's a longer version, but I think I prefer the 'short and to the point' style here.

Let me know what you think...............
------------------
Freedom in Vain

Tomorrow,
(It's been so long)
The comfort of your arms embraces me,
My heart retrieved from where it lay,
A tattered ruin,
Abandoned,

In a dimly lit alleyway,

Among the broken pieces of this bottle,
                Whose contents replaced our love.
----------------------------

Be honest please.
-Jason

[This message has been edited by TJDoat (09-29-2002 05:03 AM).]

Streen
Member

since 2001-11-28

Posts 169

1 posted 2002-09-29 04:34 PM

I think that this poem would be greatly helped if the verbs were more unalized. For instance, you have several active form verbs, and several passive form verbs. It feels awkward when you switch between the two. How about rewriting it so that the whole thing is active? It would really improve the flow, I feel.

TJDoat
Junior Member

since 2002-09-29

Posts 26

2 posted 2002-10-03 10:21 PM

Sorry it took so long to get back to you on this one, I thought I had email notices turned on but apparently did not.

You may be right about the verbs. It has always struck me as not flowing well either. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I think you've hit the nail on the head.

-Jason

lizzy-luv
Junior Member

since 2002-10-12

Posts 20
new hampshire..oh, the hicks abound

3 posted 2002-10-13 06:43 PM

I agree with the first note. But I really liked the feeling of the poem. It really penetrates.
I don't have much to say, because I liked it, so I can't rip it apart and explain why you're wrong.....Um.....Good job.

'everyone is broken by something they love and worship'(Fransesca Lia Block)
*lizzy*

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

4 posted 2002-10-13 09:49 PM

while streen had good points, it seems the past is integral to the piece. perhaps putting the past tense lines in parens like the second line. it could then be percieved almost as interweaving 2 poems.

love the last couplet, cliched but sooo cool.

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

5 posted 2002-10-14 02:55 AM

I liked this poem for its brevity rhythm and content. You transmit the emotion intended very well!

Perhaps the concern with the verb and cliche issues can be partially solved in the following way:

Tomorrow,

(It has been so long!)
your comforting arms will embrace me.

You will retrieve me
from where I lie a tattered ruin,
abandoned in a dimly lit alleyway
among the broken pieces of this bottle
whose contents replaced our love.

[This message has been edited by Radrook (10-14-2002 02:57 AM).]

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