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Critical Analysis #2
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papillon72
New Member
since 2002-09-27
Posts 1
victoria, australia

0 posted 2002-09-27 05:06 AM


??I tried to find a poem, to reflect the way I felt
I couldn't find one anywhere...so I wrote the thing myself!

I have a heart that's heavy, weighed down by my mind,
Confused about it's presence, wishing it were blind.
My head, my heart, are they one and the same?
They're never in agreeance...always laying blame.

I want to be your friend, I want to be your lover,
Like my head, my heart, conflicting one another.

There is a certain fire, when all you have is lust,
To be your friend as well, will take me time to adjust,
To get to know the boundaries, and know which thoughts are real,
The ones of love, the ones of pain, all these thoughts I feel.

When you touch my face, and look the way you do,
It's pure, it's real, it's love, deny it though you do,
If not only for the instant, a moment void of time,
The joining of two souls, of your soul and of mine.

But fear will conquer every time, and bring us back to earth,
Too much heartache, too much pain, for nothing it is worth.

We say were only friends, but that's not really true,
To share ourselves the way we have, friends don't really do.

I know that you are hurting, I know you are in pain,
I hope you can release it all, and learn to love again.
I know the odds are slim, that I will be the one,
But one can live in hope, and meantime have some fun.

I'm not sure what I'm wanting, to say to you in rhyme,
I only hope you have the skill, to read between the lines.
For I'm just a soul that's searching, for whatever it may find,
Leaving no stone unturned, they say that love is blind!

I'd hate to waste my moments, denying what I feel,
Although I'm not so sure, which parts of it are real.

My point is not so clear, I may not even have one,
I have to learn to chill out, and have a bit of fun.
I'll try my best to do things, like you asked me to,
"Let's forget the mind stuff, and just do what lovers do."

But remember give and take, and keep it in your mind,
A person likes attention, besides the sexual kind,
All the boring stuff, if not only from a friend,
A hug, a kiss, or a shoulder you can lend.

I'm getting way off track, from what I meant to say,
I'm glad that you're my friend, and hope that way it stays.

[This message has been edited by papillon72 (09-27-2002 07:45 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 donna - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2002-09-27 10:11 AM


Hi donna,

Welcome to CA. I mostly enjoyed this poem but there is a problem with it. Please check your email for an explanation.

Thanks,
Pete

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2002-09-27 10:35 PM


Like I said, I like what you have here. I won't really have time to address it for a couple of days but will come back then to give my ideas. You should start seeing comments from some others soon. Meanwhile, you might go ahead and jump in on critiquing some others' work.

It is difficult to write in rhyming couplets without sound trite or Hallmarkish, particularly when writing of love. I think you have done a very good job here of avoiding that pitfall. The longer lines probably helps. There are a couple of lines I would look at but I would rather study it again before commenting, so as to avoid being mistaken Anyway, I'll get back Sunday although that may be Monday for you.

BTW, I think you edit strengthens the poem considerably.

Thanks,
Pete


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