My Favorite Flower - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

0 posted 2002-09-25 06:23 PM

She sleeps so sound, beside me now,
my mini rose, petite,
her slender stem, white petals sweet
against blue satin sheets,
she takes a chill and curls
from an unexpected breeze,
I take her to a warmer place
and bestow a gentle squeeze.
My fingers touch, her furls unfold,
to cuddle against my chest,
she is my posy, treasured most,
for this I feel blessed,
and when the morning dances in
she steps to rhythms of the day,
fresh bud adorned to burst in bloom
when evening is halfway,
then poses pink and rosy, taps my arm
for me to see,
my flower tip toes for a kiss
revealing all to me.

caterina

This is new for me, I usually stick to free verse but this just came out of the blue and I went with it... thought you should know that. It was fun to do though.

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

1 posted 2002-09-25 07:08 PM

Wow Caterina!
From henceforth I am your loyal fan and humble servant!

Absolutely BEAUTIFUL!
I love the way that the meter contributes to the speaker's mood of admiration for the "flower."

I will just suggest a few things for your evaluation:

She sleeps so sound, beside me now,
my mini rose, petite.
Her slender stem, white petals sweet
against blue satin sheets.

She takes a chill and [slowly] curls
from an unexpected breeze.
I take her to a warmer place
and bestow a gentle squeeze.

My fingers touch, her furls unfold
to cuddle against my chest.
She is my posy, treasured most,
for this [I'm feeling] blessed,

So when the morning dances in
she steps to [songs of]day,
fresh bud adorned to burst in bloom
when evening is halfway.

Then poses pink and[]taps my arm
for me to [go and] see,
My flower tip toes for a kiss
revealing all to me.

caterina

Caterina, your poem brought to my heart the paternal feelings I very often experience as I watched my daughter growing up just like the small flower.

This poem I will treasure always.
Thanks!

[This message has been edited by Radrook (09-25-2002 07:12 PM).]

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

2 posted 2002-09-26 07:40 AM

very nicely done... it flows so well across the mind it might as well be the breeze itself.

I enjoyed

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2002-09-26 09:33 AM

Hi Cat,

Enjoyed the extended metaphor. The poem left me with an all-around good feeling. For "something new" it came across realy well.

It looks like what Rad was suggesting is to even out the meter. Rhymed poetry usually is more successful if its meter is fairly consistent. As a poem gets longer, an occasional extra syllable or metric alteration can help to keep it from becoming boring. Not the specific wording, but his general suggestion was my first impression also. But then it is a well known fact that I am a confirmed traditionalist and rarely venture away from rhyme and meter.

Thanks for sharing,
Pete

YeshuJah
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 65
FL USA

4 posted 2002-09-26 01:55 PM

Caterina, I loved this poem! Perhaps because I too am living in the presence of a flower 2yrs now- And please, please don't go apologizing(that's what it sounds like to me), for writing rhythm and rhyme. In my opinion it takes great skills to make this work; anything can masquerade as 'free verse' and get away with murder. I'm just plum sick of free versers looking down on this form of poetry. Shakespeare is still held to be perhaps the greatest- and that's all he did. Now I'm finished ranting, here's a few minor changes I'd make.

I take her to a warmer place
(and) bestow a gentle squeeze (omit 'and' here)

for this I feel blessed, (or) -for this I'm blessed

and when the morning dances in(here too I'd exclude 'and')
she steps to rhythms of the day

when evening is halfway(I'd use (evening's) here

Thank you for a wonderful read.

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

5 posted 2002-09-26 08:37 PM

Rad,

I was so glad you liked the poem and that it brought such loving feelings in your heart. That makes me feel good.

I have noted the areas that you suggest to change but there is one in particular that I want to keep (I think) and that is "she steps to rhythms of the day" because I associate rhythm with movement of the body and feet , hence step in rhythm. If I were to change it to songs... then I would feel it would need sings in there 'she sings to songs of the day.' Just my weird way of thinking, I could be wrong though.

Another possibility would be to change step to skips, that might work better 'she skips to songs of the day.'

I am still thinking on it.

Thankyou again, so glad you liked it.

caterina

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

6 posted 2002-09-26 08:43 PM

Cpat,

Thankyou for reading and expressing your thoughts.... I appreciate that.

caterina

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

7 posted 2002-09-26 08:57 PM

Hi Pete,

Since this is something that you do so well, I was pleased to hear your thoughts on this one. I read it so many times that I wasn't sure anymore if it read well or not, you saying that is does clears that up for me. It was a nice change from free verse and gives me the confidence to perhaps try it again in the future.

Thanks again and glad you enjoyed.

caterina

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

8 posted 2002-09-26 09:18 PM

Hi Yesh,

Where have you been? Haven't seen you for awhile.

Yesh, I'm glad you liked it. I really wasn't apologizing you know, I just wanted anyone who read it to understand that it is not an area where I have had much practice. It was a refreshing change for me though and I just might try it again sometime.

I can see you have strong feelings concerning rhyme/free verse...

I always liked rhyme...just never thought I could do it, but we don't know unless we try.

Thanks again.

caterina

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

9 posted 2002-09-27 01:07 AM

Hi Caterina:

Of course you are quite welcomed to discard that [song] suggestion. I actually was more interested there in bringing the meter into sync than in changing the concepts which only the author has a right to do.

I merely used [song] as a way to bring your attetion to that area so you can modify it at your own discretion. : )
God bless!

Thanks once more for a very memorable poem!

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.