»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Dozing.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Dozing. |
|
|
han_tigger Member
since 2002-08-10
Posts 50Thundersley, Essex, Uk |
Dozing. The houses seem to doze, In the dying light of day. They warmly glow, like fires light, Sighing softly, welcoming the night. In the softly blowing breeze, They breathe, Billowing with smoke. They close their eyes, And settle down, To while away the night. |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Hannah Inglis - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Hannah The houses seem to doze, In the dying light of day. They warmly glow, like fires light, Sighing softly, welcoming the night. In the softly blowing breeze, They breathe, Billowing with smoke. They close their eyes, And settle down, To while away the night. I like this. The sonics perfectly match the subject, setting a drowsy gentle tone. You have just enough rhyme and near rhyme to produce a pleasing "finished" kind of feel to the piece. One little nit: missing apostrophe on "fire's", or else maybe you should just change it to “firelight” which sounds less forced to me. The only other suggestion might be to avoid the repetition of night at the end of two lines. It’s no big deal, but I was wondering if perhaps “To while away the dark” might be better. “Dark” alliterates well with “down” and also picks up the “k” sound in “smoke” a couple of lines up, it also resonates with the opening “doze” and “day” so maintaining a consistency of sound throughout. Whether it’s grammatical or not is another matter, some might say it should be “darkness”, but that doesn’t sound right at all. Anyway it’s your poem, and a good one at that. Well done. Rob |
||
|
han_tigger Member
since 2002-08-10
Posts 50Thundersley, Essex, Uk |
Thank you for your comments on my poem, you have no e-mail so i could not thank you in that way, so if u come back to view this-e-mail me or visit my poetry website at http://www.geocities.com/han_tigger/HannahInglis.html han_tigger@hotmail.com |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
This poem is really pleasant. Rob's right, the rhyme and alliteration you chose lend very nicely to the topic. Sometimes I forget how nice these postcard poems are.  'Well, I will not be an enemy of anything |
||
|
Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Hannah I missed your reply before now. You have now posted 7 poems to CA and made 2 critiques (totalling 7 short lines of comment). If you want any further advice from me I would like to see you first give back some of the time that others have spent on your poems by writing more critiques yourself. I do not want you to e-mail me thank you, and as I said before I have already visited your web-site. Regards. Rob |
||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem's visual imagery. Its rhythms effectively conveyed--for me--the silence and calm of night. I especially like how the iambic meter in the final three-footed line line: To while away the night. echoes the iambic meter in the first three-footed line. "The houses seem to doze,...." Ties it all together neatly. Thanks for sharing! [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-02-2002 01:12 AM).] |
||
|
YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Han, the poem does exude a dreamy feeling, I thought the shortness of it suited the subject matter. I enjoyed it. A few nits: Somehow I couldn't get past 'They warmly glow, like fires light,'- shouldn't that be They warmly glow, like fires lit? Also the last line seems appropriate but at the same time seems cliche to me- dunno.. all in all a nice write. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
