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Forced Memory
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Forced Memory |
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nichole New Member
since 2002-09-24
Posts 2 |
I'm new here, so take it easy  “Forced Memory” His breath is hot And snakes across Her cheek. Her captor’s arms are tight- Constricting her body. The room of the abandoned Building is dark- black As the sky during a solar eclipse, And musty Like no one has lived there For quite some time. She doesn’t know how she got there. Her lungs find it hard To find air- she hyperventilates. The words he whispers sting her ears (Like poisonous venom) Burning slowly down To her hollow core; she recoils and Silently protests. Sill he doesn’t let go. He watches her struggle And laughs with an evil Wretched grin- She shivers- suddenly cold. Tighter he squeezes- And her breaths grow Shallower as she Begins to hallucinate. Her knees grow weaker And she drops; He lets go, She falls hard, Hard against the cold, Damp floor. Her body lies limp; unmoving As he slithers away. In the distance She can still feel the soft hiss Of his breath on her cheek. |
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| © Copyright 2002 nichole - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Nice poem! First, I like your use of darkness and isolation in order to enhance the mood of danger inherent in such a situation. Woman, snake, darkness, make your poem amenable to a Christian religious interpretation. The tempation of Eve, the fall into darkness of ignorance, the triumphant hissing which must have plagued her for the remainder of her fallen life, are all hinted at here. Not that I necessarily believe that you did this on purpose--but when writing poetry, we very often are guided by our subconscious which will produce such coordinated symbology despite ourselves. Thanks for the very interesting read! [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-25-2002 04:27 PM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Nichole You don’t say if this is one of your first poems or not, but if so it’s a good effort. You certainly have put some thought into creating a working metaphor and solid imagery and you have the skill to carry it through the poem in a consistent believable way. Mostly I like your line breaks as well, and in a poem like this with many shortish lines the breaks take on an added significance. My main issues with this are at a detailed level. I usually avoid the use of the phrase “tighten up a poem” as being kind of vague, but in this case it seems appropriate. There seem to me to be a few redundant lines and maybe one or two inconsistencies of word choice. I haven’t got time right now to cover everything but here are a few pointers: His breath is hot >>> hot breath is cliche but would be ok until the reader starts to appreciate the metaphor a few lines down. Reptiles are cold blooded and not usually associated with “hot breath” And snakes across Her cheek. >>> liked this and like the dynamic line break as well - risky, but you carry it off because of the momentary generation of movement in the phrase “snakes across” The room of the abandoned Building is dark- black As the sky during a solar eclipse, And musty Like no one has lived there For quite some time. >>> this section is very weak and wordy. It’s fairly obvious that if a building is abandoned then no-one has lived there! Sure doesn’t bear repeating. Also the simile did not seem to be a good one. A solar eclipse doesn’t not produce complete blackness, so you could use “black” or you could use the simile, but not both. Try and pare this section down to a couple of lines. I liked “musty” though, and I liked the thought behind the idea of the sun being extinguished. She doesn’’t know how she got there. >>> do we really need to be told that? Her lungs find it hard To find air- she hyperventilates. >>> humm.. another near repetition. If you just said “hyperventilates” we would pick up the meaning The words he whispers sting her ears (Like poisonous venom) >>> the figurative language is good (not entirely sure about “sting” - normally associated with insects rather than reptiles). Why the parentheses though? Burning slowly down To her hollow core; she recoils and Silently protests. Sill he doesn’’t let go. He watches her struggle And laughs with an evil Wretched grin- She shivers- suddenly cold. Tighter he squeezes- And her breaths grow Shallower as she Begins to hallucinate. Her knees grow weaker And she drops; He lets go, >>> this section needs further work She falls hard, Hard against the cold, Damp floor. Her body lies limp; unmoving As he slithers away. In the distance She can still feel the soft hiss Of his breath on her cheek. >>> the close is stronger although “soft” seemed a little, well, soft! Given the circumstances. Also when I re-read the last three lines I’m finding it difficult to picture how she “feels” something on her cheek which is “in the distance”. Wouldn’t it be less confusing if you simply omitted “in the distance”? This poem is certainly worth working on, a very good first draft. Rob |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
nm. sorry. [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (09-25-2002 05:45 AM).] |
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nichole New Member
since 2002-09-24
Posts 2 |
Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I like to get other opinions because I can't always see everything myself. Thank You!!! |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
That's great Nichole, now how about taking a look at some of the other poems on the forum and making some suggestions to help other people. Based on you ability as a poet I really think you could make a useful contribution. Regards. Rob |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Nichole, Oops, I'm a little late it looks like. I just wanted to take a second to also welcome you to CA. Be sure to check out the guidelines and just jump right into the fun. I'm sureyou will find this an interesting place. Check your email. Pete |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Cool poem. 'His breath is hot And snakes across Her cheek.' I don't have a problem with hot. I see the metaphor being that of comapring a reptile to a man- hot breath works for me, you're combining the two. 'Her captor’s arms are tight- Constricting her body.' This image strikes me a little. If his arems are constrincting her body, I see him as having ehr in a big bear hug... which isn't exactly what I picture when I picture a male assailant attacking a woman. I think the constriction is important... but maybe not by his arms? Maybe something a little less tangible, like fear, or maybe you can make her claustrophobic, or afraid of the dark that pervades this poem... 'The room of the abandoned Building is dark- black As the sky during a solar eclipse, And musty Like no one has lived there For quite some time.' I agree that this is too wordy. First of all, I would turn the simile into a metaphor to add strenth, because this is a power sort of poem. Something like 'The building is a musty solar eclipse'- just a suggestion. But I do think it should be condensed. 'She doesn’t know how she got there.' I don't think this is extraneous... I find it pretty damn pertinent, to tell you the truth... it also raises some questions... but I think they might be best answered by the reader. Like.... in asking myself how she got there, how would she not remember, I have the distinct impression of her getting slipped GHB or something... 'Her lungs find it hard To find air- she hyperventilates.' The 'find it hard to find' is really cool. I can go either way with 'hyperventilates'- it doesn't detract, for me, but it doesn't really add too much, either. 'The words he whispers sting her ears (Like poisonous venom) Burning slowly down To her hollow core; she recoils and Silently protests.' I like this, but I think it would be better if you lost 'Like poisonous venom'... if you have to keep the poison element, why not replace 'words' with venom or poison... so that he's whispering venom. 'Sill he doesn’t let go. He watches her struggle And laughs with an evil Wretched grin-' You seem to be getting a little too 'telly' here. 'Evil' and 'wretched' makes me think of things like Halloween goblins and jack-o-lanterns... not terribly threatening images, and terribly out of context for this poem. Maybe you could try getting back to imagery and metaphors? 'She shivers- suddenly cold.' Cool. Very simply stated, but you incorporate a lot of alliteration, and it ends up with a really 'hissy' sound. Also, I think the sudden coldness is very telling of her physical state. 'Tighter he squeezes-' I'm not a big fan of syntax inversion... I think it's much more effective, especially in a poem this assertive, to just state things in amore straightforward manner. 'He squeezes tighter' would work much better, IMO. 'And her breaths grow Shallower as she Begins to hallucinate.' Shallower? I think it would be 'more shallow,' but I'm not really sure. The hallucination interests me... maybe you could drop an adjective- something wierd maybe, to signify the hallucinogenic turn of the poem? A color, a sound, just something to give this part of the poem a bit of flare... 'Her knees grow weaker And she drops; He lets go, She falls hard, Hard against the cold, Damp floor.' I like the way you structured this. 'Her body lies limp; unmoving As he slithers away. In the distance She can still feel the soft hiss Of his breath on her cheek.' I have the same problem with 'soft hiss' here... The interesting thing here that I noticed is this: Snakes do not kill prey just to kill. They kill to eat. A snake will, however, forego a meal if it thinks there's something wrong with it. So, whether or not this is intentional, I find myself wondering- is the flaw in the girl or the man? Does he see something in her that he finds distasteful? Or, rather, is his 'slithering' away a step from the animal world into the human world, where killing simply to kill is a comparably common custom? Really interesting end to this poem. Welcome to CA, BTW. I hope I've helped, and I'm looking forward to see a revision if you do one. 'Well, I will not be an enemy of anything |
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