»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Why I Don't Wear V-Neck Shirts
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Why I Don't Wear V-Neck Shirts |
|
|
EllenMoran Junior Member
since 2002-01-03
Posts 24 |
You murmured on your way from neck to navel, My own personal exclamation point. It didn’t matter that it was only right side up from the acrobat’s bar that we never bought. You hated it when I gulped, turning exclamation point to line, even though you knew I was ticklish near my collarbone and it was gulp or giggle while your copper goatee scored my skin. In the morning, I tighten my robe, digging through drawers for a turtleneck. [This message has been edited by EllenMoran (09-18-2002 04:41 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Ellen Moran - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I like this poem's description of tense playfulness between lovers--I assume it is between lovers since adults seem to be involved and the goateed gentleman goes for your navel. You murmured on your way from neck to navel, My own personal exclamation point. [At my own..." makes the meaning clear.] It didn't matter that it was only right side up from the acrobat’s bar that we never bought. [ The use of "we never bought" is informative and essential to undertsanding the poem. It skillfully tells the reader that this is something that is between adults--a couple. But then you lost me with the personal pronoun "it" since it doesn't have a clear reference. I tried "navel." But that choice made the rest rather silly. So I was forced to wonder what the heck "it" is about and why "it" did not matter. The reference to "acrobat's bar never bought" remains cryptic to me. I guess someone with a more fecund imagination will unravel it.] You hated it when I gulped, I would delete the impersonal pronoun "it" and simply say "you hated when I gulped." turning exclamation point to line, ["....turning exclamation point to "question mark" symbolizing doubt, or "to period" symbolizing termination, or comma, symbolizing pause, all of which would emphasize danger to a relationship and cause the protesting murmurs. In contrast "line" in itself seems to be rather neutral? Nevertheless, I did understand the meaning intended.] even though you knew I was ticklish near my collarbone and it was gulp or giggle while your copper goatee scored my skin. In the morning, I tighten my robe, digging through drawers for a turtleneck. [I understand the tightening of the robe as an attempt to prevent inciting another similar episode. If indeed these are lovers, there is no need for tightening of robes except for this reason. Unless of course it is cold and you sought the warmth of your garment. But since there is no indication that this is the case--I will assume the former.] BTW Was your use of the word "score" a pun? Thanks for the very enjoyable and interesting read. [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-19-2002 11:05 PM).] |
||
|
EllenMoran Junior Member
since 2002-01-03
Posts 24 |
Sorry for the delay -- I've been traveling and just now got a chance to get back online. "It" was referring to the exclamation point -- which turned into a line because, with the gulp, the point (hollow just above the collarbone) goes away. The ending was meant to show that she is covering up for work (i.e., iding the evidence of the previous night), not that she wouldn't want it to happen again. Obviously, I'm still struggling with this -- thanks for your thoughts, they will definitely help as I revise. Oh, and as for scored -- not intentionally meant as a pun -- an earlier version included more images of abrasion, driven by the goatee's 'scoring' of her skin. You remind me of someone that I met somewhere else. [This message has been edited by EllenMoran (09-22-2002 09:34 PM).] |
||
|
Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Ellen I’ve been trying to get around to replying to this for a few days, but given your recent post I’m kind of glad I didn’t. You say: “not that she wouldn't want it to happen again” but you also say: “an earlier version included more images of abrasion, driven by the goatee's 'scoring' of her skin” These two comments contain the crux of my problem with this poem. On the one hand you seem to be saying in your reply to Radrook that the experience was a pleasurable one for the speaker and one she would want to repeat - the poem on the other hand reads to me as something entirely different. The only possible reconciliation is that the speaker enjoys the pleasure of pain. But even that doesn’t work well given the covering up at the end. In fact there is altogether far too much negative diction in this (increasing towards the close) for the piece to suggest anything other than a relationship that is going wrong. “Murmured” - a slightly odd choice. Given the later lines more suggestive of mild dissatisfaction than arousal. “never bought” - and the preceding lines strongly suggest that this was an omission and that things would have been better if the bar HAD been bought. “hated it” - another negative “goatee” (especially a copper one) - maybe a personal thing, but my villains always have goatees “scored my skin” - violent, traumatic and, as you say in your reply, “abrasive”, just as the feelings between the two participants are. “tighten my robe” - a withdrawal or putting up of defences if there ever was one, why on earth should we read into this that she is “covering up for work” - given what went before the metaphoric suggestion of closing her mind and body to a bad experience is much more convincing. even “digging” is not entirely without a sinister side. Ellen, it’s impossible to read this as a pleasurable experience for the speaker. The only section that even hints at it is that containing the words “ticklish” and “giggle” but this is far outweighed by the rest which is strongly suggestive of the last few days of a longish relationship with the closure being the point at which the speaker seals herself up like an envelope from any further attentions. You have some nice language here, but my strong overall impression is that you didn’t spend a great deal of time thinking out the message and the presentation. The central image, the exclamation point, is, to say the least, obscure. Put it this way, I spent about 48 hours trying on and off to figure out which bit of the anatomy you were suggesting and even now you’ve told us I still can’t “see” it. Something so weak is not a good point (no pun) around which to build a poem as the reader is constantly irritated by an inability to get past first base. Overall my feeling is that this is not one that you should bin entirely, but it needs a comprehensive re-think and complete re-write. Rob |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Aha, I think Rob finally said pretty much what I was subconsciously thinking but for some reason couldn't put into words. It does give a negative feeling, contrary to your explanation. If you want to convey a pleasurable experience, a rewrite probably is in order. This is not to say that it is entirely wrong. In fact, I particularly like the beginning. The personal exclamation point I found very descriptive and even visual. But it do agree that the covering felt like more of a defense against the related event. Also, LOL at Rob's goateed villians. That does ring up the Perils of Pauline and such. JMHO, Pete |
||
|
EllenMoran Junior Member
since 2002-01-03
Posts 24 |
Thank you both for your detailed replies. I hadn't even picked up on the negativity of the language, to be honest. (Yikes!) Nor did I mean to give the impression of real violence here -- at least, not more than getting beard-burn would be considered violent. I would like to keep the facial hair in in some way (goatees being so popular now, the 'villian' connection hadn't popped to mind), because it is what leave a mark by making her skin red as a result of the beard-burn. I've already scrapped & rewritten the last stanza since I posted this -- I want to get the image of her covering up much as one would wear a scarf to hide a hickey back in high school. I think I'm having a serious case of "I can see what I mean, but no one else can." I have struggled with this image of the exclamation point and basically assumed that I simply haven't described it well enough. However, if the visual makes no sense even if I am being clear, then I may have to do a considerable overhaul. Thanks for your comments and feedback -- they are much appreciated. |
||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Funny! Contrary to others, I did not come away with such a convincing picture of negativity. I do not perceive force being used here at all. Neither do I detect in the words of the speaker any reluctance to cooperate in the love-making department. The casual reference to her skin being irritated by his goatee doesn't constitute sufficient grounds for concluding abuse. In fact, the lilting playful choice of meter used strongly contraindicates such a drastic conclusion. Quite to the contrary, it intimates a playful mood and not a sinister one. I also did not see the devil in that goatee, nor any indication of the macabre in the ACCIDENTAL scoring of the woman's skin. If the lover had been described as sneering after the scoring, then perhaps. But as the poem stands, I feel that introducing Satan into this scene is not justified. Neither does her covering herself when she gets up convince me that she has been abused. Having been a married man for 18 years I can assuredly say that women do this by routine or reflex. Perhaps those who think otherwise have never observed this common and innocent phenomenon? But these diverse reactions are to be expected from poetry readers--many of which innocently bring fears and expectations to the read which might cause them to walk away with what they very often impute into the poem in contrast to what the poem is really saying. In short, i honestly see absolutely no need for a drastic rewrite here. After all, one inherent quality of poetry is that it hints at meaning. One reader perceives the hints, another misinterprets them, while still another doesn't notice them at all. In poetry, as in life, you cannot please everyone. So please yourself. Go too far into explicatory efforts and the mysterious mood, which is more than half of the charm of this read, can easily be destroyed. If indeed the poem has more than one possible interpretation--so much the better! Each reader will see what his heart leads him to see. That is the kind of poem that this is. Removal of that characteristic might not be an improvement at all. But that's just mho given for your evaluation. BTW Murmering in no way should be taken as indicative of sexual abuse. I murmer very often when I make love to a woman. It is because I am so engrossed--NOT because I am abusing them. Actually, there are love scenes on the TV all the time in which the male murmers sometimes incoherently. As for digging, kids today use that expression all the time when they are referring to searching for things. Perhaps 30 years ago it WOULD have seemed sinister to use "digging" in that way. But today it is merely a part young people's daily vocabulary. Wow! LOL! [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-25-2002 04:52 AM).] |
||
|
EllenMoran Junior Member
since 2002-01-03
Posts 24 |
Radrook- I appreciate you coming back to this one. Isn't it funny how differently the same lines can be interpreted? I think this one needs a good breaking down over the next couple of weeks. I'd been doing tweaking, but I think I'd benefit from breaking it apart into pieces and figuring out which are critical and which aren't, and how to tighten up the critical bits. I'm not satisfied personally that I am being as clear as I need to be. Again, thank you all for your comments. They've definitely made me look at this piece in a new way, which is why forums like this are so valuable. |
||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Yes! I agree that the poem can use a touch of clarification. The following should be clarified: It didn’t matter that it was only right side up from the acrobat’s bar that we never bought What was right side up? What did not matter? The rest of the poem, IMHO is effective as it is written. But then again, you are the author and the final judge. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
