Colorless (first free verse attempt, with a little rhyme at the end)

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AquariusX
New Member

since 2002-09-11

Posts 9

0 posted 2002-09-15 06:32 PM

Colorless savior creeping ever so
Slowly upon the path of wings (yet not doves)
Into God's creation chamber.
Colorless witnesses misled and
Brought to a screeching halt not
Unlike the rubber of a boot
Commanded to yield- before the kill.
Some are handed a giant's spoon to
Reluctantly blemish Great Gaia's
Pigmented skin, then fed shells to
Swiften their encasement into her bosom.
Others are fed famine and disease,
Unfilling meals of pain and despair,
As the stench of carcass fills the air,
Where, lies the colorless savior.
-----------------------------

BTW, I realize the beginning is quite abstract, but I don't want to change "God's creation chamber" because it has several meanings. Also, I prefered the syntatical change to the last line to the regular form of speech.

Robtm1965
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 263

1 posted 2002-09-16 08:41 AM

Aquarius

This is in my view a very good step forward.  Unconstrained by form you have been able (I have to whisper this - see "Melt") to concentrate better on the message with the result that the poem is more readable and comprehensible.

You say "just a little rhyme".  Nothing wrong with a little rhyme at all especially in the position you have it.  More to the point this poem has plenty of slant rhyme.  Probably unintentional but nevertheless it shows you do have an ear for sound.  Examples: so/slowly, saviour/chamber, brought/halt/not/boot (excellent use of sound by the way to emphasise what is being portrayed - the hard unyielding consonants mirroring and emphasising the images), commanded/handed, disease/meals, despair/disease (consonance), carcass/colorless.  And there are probably lots more.  This sort of technique certainly helps free verse to work sonically and you have done well if this is your first attempt.

You haven't done too bad a job on the line endings either, although there are a few decidedly weak ones.  Ending in "to" and "and" without any apparent clear gain in doing so is risky.  Try and make use of line endings; for instance to create tension, emphasise a point or perhaps suggest a tangent.  A good couple of lines are:

"Brought to a screeching halt not
Unlike the rubber of a boot
Commanded to yield

Though I'm not sure about "screeching".

I'm pressed for time here.  I could say more about your word usage and  imagery.  And I will try and get back later on.

Thanks for attempting something slightly different.

Rob

geenabee
Member

since 2002-09-10

Posts 59
NC--USA

2 posted 2002-09-16 03:30 PM

I love it!

I wonder about the (but not doves) part though...
it kinda throws the eye off with its parenthetical interjection.

I suppose it's intentional (what do I know? LOL)
but really a good piece of work,
thought provoking and very image-invoking.
thanks for submitting it

GB

AquariusX
New Member

since 2002-09-11

Posts 9

3 posted 2002-09-16 04:13 PM

Thanks, I have found that I enjoy this style just as much as sonnets (or maybe even moreso).

"Though I'm not sure about "screeching"."
Yeah, but it would be less harsh-sounding (which is what I wanna convey) if "squeaky" is used instead. Not using anything would be not taking advantage of further imagery, as well.

"I wonder about the (but not doves) part though...
it kinda throws the eye off with its parenthetical interjection."

Hehe, I've seen other poets do it (so I have not yet shaken off all the vestiges of dead poet emulation

). I like it because it serves as a buffer against the reader thinking of peace and, I think, enhances the harshness.

BTW, what do you think the "colorless savior" is? I had a certain subject in mind, but a reader gave a synopsis that, given the circumstances, was also quite applicable to "colorless savior".

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

4 posted 2002-09-17 01:16 PM

A-

This is quite an improvement. Yeah, it is a little abstract ... my initial thoughts are that it has something to do with abortion. The "giant spoon" could be the surgical apparatus used during the procedure and "Gaia's bosom" could be an metaphor for death or the grave. Not sure how the "colorless savior" fits in though, and the last lines are a bit troublesome to my interpretation.

Enjoyed the read much moreso than when I read the sonnets. You may want to consider experimenting with this form and then go back to trying sonnets later. Also, if you don't own one already, try purchasing a rhyming dictionary (it isn't cheating, you know). That may help you write rhyming verse a little more naturally.

Jim

[This message has been edited by jbouder (09-17-2002 01:17 PM).]

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

5 posted 2002-09-17 04:01 PM

Too cryptic for my taste.
This goes beyond my obscurity-of-message tolerance level. Guess I need to reincarnate with more brainpower and a stronger tendency to enjoy unraveling Gordian Knots like these other more gifted critics do.

'Turn him to any cause of policy,
The Gordian Knot of it he will unloose,
Familiar as his garter' ....Shakespear (HenryV, 1.i)

[This message has been edited by Radrook (09-17-2002 04:07 PM).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

6 posted 2002-09-18 01:07 PM

I too found this a little too cryptic, to use Rad's words. It is an improvement over your previous posts in that your language is appropriate and you don't violate any rules of form. I too think the parenthesized phrase is distracting because of the parentheses and the actual words. I suggest dropping it completely as it really doesn't seem to add anything.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

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