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Little Mice Marching
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Little Mice Marching |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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On my knees I wait and watch from the narrows of the solitary pass as the son climbs the mind-blind horizon behind me – Ready with gnawed shield in-hand to stoke coals of berserker-lust now cool. Peace is a much a myth as rest and steel needs rest to rust, so russet pocks won't touch my RESOLVE that BREAKS CHARGES THUNDERS JUDGMENT VITIATES THE STORM-SURGE WAVES KEEPS THE PASS FREE OF VERMIN FEET and the sky safe for my son to rise, therefore I wait and watch with owline eyes lines reform in clouds of dust like rows of little mice marching and bright in their little red eyes I see fear and smile because tomorrow I take the fight to them. |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I understood this poem to be one portraying a warrior about to go into battle. So my suggestions are based on this understanding. On my knees I wait and watch from the narrows of the solitary pass as the son climbs the mind-blind horizon behind me. [Very impressive! Veritable music to the poetic ear!] – Ready with gnawed shield in-hand [Wow! Beautiful!] to stoke coals of berserker-lust now cool. [Coals are stoked? "to stoke the furnace of berserker lust..." would perhaps be better.] Peace is as much a myth as rest and steel needs rest to rust, so russet pocks won't touch my RESOLVE that BREAKS CHARGES THUNDERS JUDGMENT VITIATES THE STORM-SURGE WAVES [I found it impossible to imagine a warrior about to go into battle using the word "vitiates." Perhaps a warrior would say "stops" or "terminates" or "obliterates" but somehow "vitiates" seems too soft a word for a warrior about to go into combat] KEEPS THE PASS FREE OF VERMIN FEET [Removal of capitalization would improve the poem. It only served to distract.] and the sky safe for my son to rise. Therefore [The word "therefore" is more suited for a formal speech than for warrior who is about to do battle. It is too calmly pensive and goes contrary to the martial spirit of the poem. I also would not repeat the "son rise" phrase. It's was not effective when repeated. It drew too much attention to itself and seemed forced. I would substitute it with "So I wait...."] I wait and watch with owline eyes. Lines reform in clouds of dust like rows of little mice marching, [The adjective "little" seems reduntant here because mice are usually imagined as being small.] and bright in their little [beady] red eyes, I see fear and smile because tomorrow I take the fight to them. All-in-all a good poem. Just a few touches here and there are needed. [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-15-2002 04:25 PM).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Wow, wow, wow Jim, you really blew me away with this poem. In my opinion this is the best poem I've read by you...and I've read a lot. Fantastic piece of poetry, a real keeper. But of course I have a few suggestions  "On my knees I wait and watch from the narrows of the solitary pass as the son climbs the mind-blind horizon behind me" Would it be "narrows" or "narrow" is speaking of one pass? Not sure. But very solid opening. "Ready with gnawed shield in-hand to stoke coals of berserker-lust now" "Gnawed"...dog dish? I didn't have any trouble with stoke being the verb (it is a verb isn't it?) with coals, "stoke the fire." Webster's - Stoke : to stoke or stir up (as a fire). However with the beginning of the next stanza "cool", it kinda reads awkward...though I appreciate the poetic technique used by seperating the idea in two, I still think it might read better as a whole if you keep cool with the rest of that thought, ie. "to stoke the cooled coals/ of berserker-lust" or "to stoke the coals/ of a cooled beserker-lust", just an idea'ir."cool. Peace is a much a myth as rest and steel needs rest to rust, so russet pocks won't touch my RESOLVE" At first I had trouble with this too. However I think it works beautifully now. Peace = steel, rest = rust, resolve = peace therefor there will never be a speck of brown (rust) upon your resolve because you will not rest for there is never peace. At least that's what I got from it. Excellent stanza...both in wording and flow, the alliteration worked beautifully with it all. "that "BREAKS CHARGES THUNDERS JUDGMENT VITIATES THE STORM-SURGE WAVES KEEPS THE PASS FREE OF VERMIN FEET and the sky safe for my son to rise, therefore" First off, excellent planned break between "that" and the two stanza's. Secondly had to break out the dictionary for "vitiates"...personally I liked the use of the word and thought it fit. Although a good stanza, I'm gonna have to agree with Radrook about maybe rewording the "son rising" and "therefore"(which the poem didn't seem to need at all). "I wait and watch with owline eyes lines reform in clouds of dust like rows of little mice marching and bright in their little red eyes I see fear" I thought perhaps "like" wasn't needed in L4. And maybe "little" in that line as well. Also consider condensing the last three lines, ie. "and bright is fear/in their little red eyes", but then you'd have to rework the ending too...dunno, just something to ponder. "and smile because tomorrow I take the fight to them." Good solid ending. Like I said, I really like this poem a lot. A very entertaining way of looking at something we've all probably done, whether it be an insect or mouse, without dumbing it up. Great work Jim....now I know where you've been the last couple weeks...working on this puppy. Also just wanted to say that I liked the format a lot and how you really played with it to make it work for the poem.Thanks for the enjoyable read, Trevor [This message has been edited by Trevor (09-13-2002 03:32 PM).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thank both of you for taking such a careful look at this one. The metaphor is certainly martial and but I did have a concrete application in mind when I wrote it ("mind-blind" and repeated use of "son" to attempt to communicate the purpose or reason for the warrior manning his post). Trevor's understanding of the "rest and rust" lines is correct (at least in his conclusion ... truly he has a dizzying intellect). I'll address both of your specific points later after (and assuming that) others have a chance to read and comment. Thanks again for reading. Jim |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
This was great Jim, I really liked it. And I'm not going to do what I did the last time I came in one of your poems and just say ' it's beautiful' and go, uhuh-- this time I have some time to spare-- so here goes. For myself, I would have liked to see line 2 & 3 incorporated into one line but that's just me-- it's not a big thing... you may like to leave it as is and that's ok too. I like 'mind-blind horizon'.....it's different and that's good. Don't see a need for the two dashes in the first line. I agree with Rad in that you stoke a furnace, perhaps 'poke the coals' or as Rad suggested 'stoke the furnace.' In the 3rd stanza-- should it be 'Peace is as much?' Also,it would sound really good, I think.... if you would make a line break after 'myth'.... because 'as rest and steel needs rest to rust' sounds great on one line. What do you think? For me, stanza 4 is so blasting with all caps and I realize that you want it to thunder like Thor.... but I think it will accomplish that without caps. Also, I would consider dropping 'therefore.' I have no problem with vitiates. Someone mentioned removing 'little' in the 5th stanza and I agree. Perhaps dropping 'and' in line 2 and 5-- also the 'and' in the following line you could drop and go with 'I smile' but then you run into a problem with too many 'I's' It does pose a problem sometimes with all the ands and I's. Oh well, I'll leave it up to you. In the last two lines Jim, I would take out 'because' and just go with 'tomorrow I take the fight to them'. A few things I really liked were -narrows of the solitary pass-- it has a nice sound and rolls nicely off the tongue. mind-blind horizon-- nice gnawed shield in-hand -- good image to stoke coals of berserker-lust-- and as I pointed out earlier, you might like to go with 'to poke the coals' Really like stanza 5 with 'owline eyes, rows of mice marching, bright in their little red eyes' a nice clear image, I could see those red marble eyes. That's it, oh yeah, I also liked how you played with the line breaks for emphasis and it really showed what line breaks can do. This was great. Thanks for the read. caterina |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Jim I have the advantage of longer consideration, the other crits and your comments, and I’m not sure how much of my thought has been influenced but anyway here are my thoughts: You have here some really great sound. I would go so far as to say wonderful sound. I particularly like S3 in this regard. But the greatest strength of the poem is the way you have paced it. My knee jerk reaction on seeing the short opening lines was: Why?. That became clear as the picture developed and clearer still on a re-read. Here we have the tense stillness of the calm before battle, the nervous jitters of the embattled warrior. The short sharp lines nicely emphasise that mood. The metaphor also is intact from the start. The warrior is tired from previous skirmishes, resting “on [his] knees”, alone “solitary”, holding by himself the one route through to what is vulnerable and so dear to him. Your consistency of metaphor is in fact an object lesson to new poets. No jumping around playing with other ideas just a concentration on the central imagery which provides as a result admirable clarity and allows the reader to concentrate on the language itself and of course the sound. I even like the single word line in S2 and the daring line break, for some reason I can’t quite figure, it works. Small typo in first line of S3. But S3 is excellent. Trevor has neatly summarized its qualities and, dare I say, meaning! But this was a very well thought out stanza, and marvellously executed. I’ll come back to S4 (upper-case) in a minute. But by now the pace has picked up gradually as the tension mounts. I think you achieve this primarily with astute line breaks but narrative plays its part as well. The crescendo of course is S4 itself as the assault takes place, with a running down afterwards and a small display of confidence as a sting in the tail at the closure. S5 another good stanza. Nice clear imagery. Consistent too: “gnawed” “vermin” “owline” then at the end the full clear picture of the rodent enemy. I can almost smell the warrior's contempt for petty mindedness of those little people. Yes "people". For naturally we are dealing here with a battle, or more accurately a war, in the real world. Because of the words “vitiates” and “judgement” I lean towards thinking that the poem addresses a situation where the warrior, who must be a father, is protecting or defending his son who is “mind-blind” (handicapped in some way), against some kind of bureaucratic or legal assault until such time as his son can rise into a safe sky and become well again. I had three reservations at first. Perhaps now only one. Firstly, S4 in upper-case seemed just a tad over the top to begin with. Not so much the capitals as the words themselves. Especially “thunders judgement” which maybe took the warrior just a little too high to an almost God-like stature. Which might have been ok had we been seeing through the son's eyes. But we aren’t. Still this is a minor point, and I like the sheer NOISE of the stanza. Secondly, the closure I thought on my initial reading bordered on the cliche! Then I thought: what the heck, the poem itself is so original, it has a kind of heroic, fantasy saga feel about it; it can sure stand a predictable ending. So fine. My biggest reservation I suspect you are not going to like as it relates to the use of the word “son” playing on the motion of the sun. Yes, I know it is important to meaning, but to me it was just too obvious and, well ... corny. On the plus side for some reason it helps if I make one little change to S1 as follows: On my knees I wait and watch from the narrows of the solitary pass and the son climbs the mind-blind horizon behind me “as” to “and” But all the same I am still not fond of the whole idea of such an obvious interchange. The problem is I can’t think of a way to change it for the better and I certainly see how important to you it is that the reader appreciates that a son is involved here. Paradoxically I am not sure that it is vital to the success of the poem itself. In fact I’d go so far as to say that I am willing to bet that some readers might simply think “Ah typo for sun”. And you wouldn’t want that, would you? On the whole though a very entertaining read Jim. Thanks. Rob [This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (09-15-2002 04:37 AM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Jim Just one other thing. Overnight I was thinking about the exchange in "Melt" and this poem and your use of the words "thunders judgement". Biblical if anything is. That set off a whole new chain of thought looking at the poem in a much broader sense as a metaphor for a possible relationship between God and man. God as the defender of the defile against a mankind handicapped by his own spiritual blindness and beset by a host of evil little thoughts. So there ya go, a good poem which has only just started the great adventure into readership. Some might call it "misinterpretation" I call it "poetry". Rob |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Rob: Thanks for the very excellent feedback. In pointing out the strengths of the poem, you've also helped me to see some of the weaknesses. Your initial observations are, for the most part, an accurate interpretation of my intent. There are three themes I was attempting to explore in the poem: resolve, purpose and victory. The resolve theme is, I think, somewhat obvious. The "warrior's" purpose is, as you correctly point out, rooted in his resolve to protect his son from harm ... in this case, "mind-blind" is indicative of autism ... a neurobiological disorder affecting communication, socialization, and the ability for a person to learn easily (lack of natural imitation skills, for example). The disorder can be remedied by highly specialized educational programming and therapies, but if such program is applied incorrectly, life-long harm can come to the child. Thus, the need for protection. You pointed out the seeming god-like tone of the capitalized lines and how this didn't seem to fit. This, I think, is my failure in adequately communicating the different facets of "victory". Victory over external enemies is something the "warrior" in this poem is certainly capable of achieving. But, as is expected, the draw of conquest is great and, resultantly, the warrior can lose focus on the purpose. This is why I abruptly shifted back to regular font after the "VITIATES" line ... the battle engaged was both external AND internal ... the internal being the warrior's struggle to maintain focus and purpose. "Vitiates", by the way, was chosen because of both meaning and sound ... to my ear, it sounds almost like the his of surf after it expends its energy. I like your suggestion on the play of the word "son" on the sun's movements ... my only reservation in making the change from "as" to "and" is my use of "and" in the beginning of L3. The sound just doesn't ring right to my ear, but I see how your small change helps S1. Lastly, you were unsure of why the "daring" line-break "worked". I decided to try to use the technique after seeing it first in Pinsky's work then after reading Cummings (both use the technique with varying degrees of success). What I aimed to do is make "now" divisible from "cool" ... if I was successful, I thought, then "-Ready" could be combined with "now" to indicate the warrior's vigilance, at the same time "now cool" could describe the metaphoric "coals". That was my intent. Whether this is what "worked" for you, I can't tell. Lastly, you mentioned the possible theological interpretation. I suppose it is possible to read the poem in this light. Tolkien's work, for example, is interpreted by some as biblical allegory, even though he adamantly insisted that it is a fairy tail, and not allegory. But Tolkien's religious convictions certainly influenced the course his writing took and, doubtlessly, my religious beliefs shape, even subtly, the things I write. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem and I appreciate the time you took in attempting to grasp its meaning. Catarina: Thanks for the comments ... I'm nearly out of time, but when I can return, I'll address your comments in greater detail. But, again, thanks for taking the time to comment. (P.S. You removed "Persistence" while I was trying to reply last night ... grrrr)  Jim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Jim, Yep, I'm pretty slow in getting to this. In fact, I have not had the time I would like to comment on a lot of the recent activity here. But that is my problem, not anyone else's. I'm sure the older members of the forum understood your extended metaphor here but I was amazed at how accurately Rob analyzed it. You have already had a lot of good advice and you know that free verse is far from my strong point so I won't try to offer much. I think I agree with dropping a word here and there, such as the "therefore" and maybe the "because" that was suggested. If you drop because, you would then need to do a little reformatting I think. I also was distracted by the all caps at "BREAKS CHARGES ..." Like everyone else, I found this quite enjoyable. Keep up the good work. Thanks, Pete |
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