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caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

0 posted 2002-09-11 01:55 PM

The clouds hang low
like a cocoon in the trees.

I want to climb
each branch to the crown,
and crawl quietly in
on my hands and knees.

caterina

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

1 posted 2002-09-11 05:11 PM

I have one suggestion: drop the like from the first part and change the simile to a metaphor.

Why? The metaphor is more concrete, more immediate, just more there. Does that make sense?

Aside from that, I like this piece (oh, if you are going for grammatically correct punctuation not sure you need the comma in line 4)

cheers

K

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

2 posted 2002-09-11 06:30 PM

Hiya Cat,

Really liked this one. I agree with Legolas about considering chopping off "like". Also you might want to consider hacking off "my" in the last line because the reader is going to naturally assume you're not borrowing someone else's paws or pedals but are using your own

I couldn't help myself.

Thanks, great read,

Trevor

[This message has been edited by Trevor (09-11-2002 06:32 PM).]

geenabee
Member

since 2002-09-10

Posts 59
NC--USA

3 posted 2002-09-12 01:26 AM

yeah..i think take out like and maybe put "cocooned in the trees" ...maybe.
otherwise..I likeit I like it I like it
geenabee

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2002-09-12 12:54 PM

Yeah, I agree with the above. Sorry I can't add anything.

I did not design this game, I did not name the stakes
I just happen to like apples, and I am not afraid of snakes.

-Ani DiFranco, "Adam and Eve"

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

5 posted 2002-09-12 04:05 PM

Wow!
You are one heck of a poet!
Beautiful!

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

6 posted 2002-09-13 11:11 AM

gbee, hush and Rad... glad you liked

and

Sev & Trev (you two could be a team-- Sev and Trev... sounds good

) thankyou for your suggestions-- I will take them and run.

Thanks everyone.

caterina

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

7 posted 2002-09-17 10:07 PM

caterina - first time I ever did this, so bear with me...

Ebbing clouds hang low,
a cocoon in the trees.

I want to climb
each branch to the crown,
and crawl quietly in
on hands and knees.

what do you think?

BC

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

8 posted 2002-09-18 01:36 PM

Dang. Kamla and Trevor catch just about everything. That's why you could add anything Amy. They beat you to it. I go along with all the above.

Oh one small thing. If you drop "like a" then you might consider pluralizing cocoon. That would seem to fit better with the plural clouds and trees although it is probably grammatically acceptable as is. All right, you might consider that whether you drop the other words or not.

Nice work,
Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (09-18-2002 01:39 PM).]

YeshuJah
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 65
FL USA

9 posted 2002-09-18 02:49 PM

Caterina, ebjoyed the poem for the visuals, but stumbled at 'I want to climb each branch to the crown' If this should be translated as wanting to climb to the top of the tree; I know from experience that you don't have to climb 'every branch' in a tree to get to the top- You may mean something utterly different here, if so I totally missed it. Let me know.

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