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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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four more months |
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geenabee Member
since 2002-09-10
Posts 59NC--USA |
First Post, so chew me up and spit me out  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He kicks inside me, and I know there are things in heaven and earth, Horatio, that I will never comprehend. My little fella to be, bouncing in my belly, like Santa's bowl of jelly, will grow to resent me, I'm sure. 'Til then, I spose we'll be pals. Nursery Rhymes and Blue's Clues, my new domain imposed, where before I watched Jerry Springer and Star Trek in abundance. "Bye Baby Bunting" refrains haunt me. I nap when I used to dance. Pickles and peanut butter are great together. My hips are a mountain range. Ralph is my new most-used word, hovering over the toilet. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Geenabee, Just wanted to take a secon to welcome you to CA. Check your email. Pete |
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kelmor New Member
since 2002-09-09
Posts 5 |
I like this and I think you might want to select one or two of these changes that the speaker encounters and elaborate. For example, I like the line "I nap when I used to dance." Elaborate. Is the speaker more worried about losing her old identity and the activities she used to participate in (dancing) because of the child's arrival or is she more interested in the ever-changing relationship she and the child will have (as suggested in stanza 2). I think several poems could be created out of this one work. The last stanza just seems like a collection of images that the reader only gets brief little glimpses at. Elaborate on these images. Attaching some sort of emotionally quality to them would add depth to the piece and keep that final stanza from becoming list-like. How does the speaker feel about all of this? We know what she sees and we know physical changes but we want more. I hope some of this is helpful...I think what you have is a great start! |
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geenabee Member
since 2002-09-10
Posts 59NC--USA |
Thanks Thanks Thanks!!! I appreciate all of your kind words, and see it as encouragement. I feel that this poem actually expresses how I am dealing with my pregnancy and it is as jumbled as I am. I think you're right about the collection of images in the last stanza; lots of my poems have way too much verbage. I really need to deal with that. I think I rely way too much on metaphor in most of my poems, and I'm still struggling to find a voice. Thanks for your nits n crits geena |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
ROTFL. I remember wanting to dance and not being able to find my feet the last month of pregnancy. Hang in there...literally. I enjoyed this memory trip, but glad it isn't going to happen to me personally again. I'll leave it to a younger, hopefully more resilient generation. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
He kicks inside me, and I know there are things in heaven and earth, Horatio, that I will never comprehend. My little fella to be, bouncing in my belly, like Santa's bowl of jelly, will grow to resent me, I'm sure. 'Til then, I spose we'll be pals. Nursery Rhymes and Blue's Clues, my new domain imposed, where before I watched Jerry Springer and Star Trek in abundance. "Bye Baby Bunting" refrains haunt me. I nap when I used to dance. Pickles and peanut butter are great together. My hips are a mountain range. Ralph is my new most-used word, hovering over the toilet. ** Hello Gbee You referred to my poem that you commented on recently as a 'group of verses.' I'm going to make an assumption from that comment - you like what I refer to as 'snapshot' poetry? A selection of separate images, impressions - woven into one poem... I think that also because your poem certainly reads that way to me. And contrary to Kelmor I don't think there is any need to elaborate. What I do think you need to do, for greater effect, in order to enhance the snapshot quality, is tighten some of your lines up a little. Now, I know you also mentioned that you are an emotive writer and what comes out, comes out. Which is fine to start with...but yeah - there is great value in assessing one's own work with a cool and detached eye (preferably after some days, even weeks away from a poem). First stanza Love the Horatio reference there...I'd take out the 'me in the first line, and the 'that' in the fourth line. Second stanza Rhyme between belly and jelly.  It just jars with the entire piece, and actually sounds kinda silly. LOL...have you read that without the jelly line - reads well I think.Third stanza I honestly think you don't need the 5th line...it works very well without it. Fourth stanza I don't think you need the 'are great together' here. I really like this poem, I like your tone, the familiarity, the tenderness wrapped up in a conversational piece...very well done..  K |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Geenabee, Don't want to chew you up and spit you out it's not in my nature..... but I do have a couple of suggestions for ya.I agree with Sev to drop-- me and that-- in the 1st stanza and I like the reference to Horatio...good stuff. Yep, drop that jelly line for sure-- sounds just fine without it. I am wondering though why this little guy would resent you-- and your so sure about it too......perhaps add another line there in reference to that. In the 3rd stanza-- I am thinking that you could begin it with 'Jerry Springer and Star Trek are passe' then continue with the 1st and 2nd line and end it like so 'a haunting refrain of "Bye Baby Bunting." I would also drop the word 'imposed.' I like the first line in your last stanza and don't feel that you have to expand there. The last line-- would 'while I hover over the toilet' be better do you think? All in all, I enjoyed. Hope this helped and welcome aboard. caterina |
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geenabee Member
since 2002-09-10
Posts 59NC--USA |
Thanks again, I am so grateful for your incisive comments! I think I will learn alot by submitting here :O) You have improved my poem greatly! gb |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Nice! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
G- I agree with Kamla (Severn) that tightening up the lines should improve how the poem reads from beginning to end. I think her recommendations are sound regarding the edits. The first stanza, I think, is by far the strongest. In S2, I am not particularly fond of "belly" or "jelly". Perhaps if your first stanza wasn't so ... well ... serious. The shift to silliness is a bit jarring to my ear. Now that I think of it, S1 would be well suited to kick off a new, more contemplative poem. Perhaps then the light-heartedness of the remaining lines would work better together. But because I am not so familiar with snapshot poetry, maybe I am off-base in my suggestion. My only nit with S3 is with "domain imposed". To my ear, it doesn't seem to fit particularly well with the other lines. All in all, I enjoyed the sentiments expressed in the poem (my 4-year-old is FINALLY showing an interest in Spiderman ... geeze ... ever sit through a J-J the Jet Plane marathon?). Thanks for the read. Jim |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Your poem is very well-written. Here are just a few suggested modifications for your evaluation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He kicks inside me, and I know there are things[] in heaven and earth, Horatio, that I will never comprehend. My little fella to be, bouncing in my belly like Santa's bowl of jelly will grow to resent me I'm sure. 'Til then, I spose we'll be pals. [I like your use of "Santa's bowl of jelly" line. It adds to the poetic mood appropriate to this poem by foreshadowing the baby's coming childhood with all of its anticipated fantasies.] Nursery Rhymes and Blue's Clues, my new domain imposed[] where before I watched Jerry Springer and Star Trek in abundance. "Bye Baby Bunting" refrains haunt me. I nap when ["where" fits too. Location instead of time!] I used to dance. Pickles and peanut butter are ["go" alliterates.] great together. My hips are []mountain range[s]. [I like that description! It makes me recall my wifes three pregnancies and her changed physique. In her case, it was the breasts that came to resemble mountain ranges. Since "hips" is plural "ranges" is the noun to be used here.] Ralph is my new most-used word, [When I hover] [] over the toilet. [Otherwise you will have the "word" hovering over the toilette. As you can see, most are simply comma removals.] A very enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing! [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-23-2002 01:31 PM).] |
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