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Critical Analysis #2
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The Subject Of A Hospital
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Subject Of A Hospital |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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a monolithic hunch of quiet linoleum and calm - we, frail-bodied, edge out from seaside resorts hotels, work and happy homes Janes and Jacks sidle past, sated in impressions and the power of the flesh it’s much too early to ask if you could change your position face the sky a little and learn to regurgitate souls we’ve not come so far from miracle penicillin, bio-medicine – but you know about the taste of ravage concealed in the tiny invisible ‘I’m sorry for the loss of your son’ for the purloined sun, and flowers scuttled steps to kindergarten ‘but he was only four’ and we hear the protest frothing – hear the Herculean surge our lives are tick-tocked in careful units we cite living for the moment and hammock the young in be carefuls yet we know the demeanour of grief - no one wants to sway when the light fades and the remembered are scuffing sand, echoing within the dunes adieu adieu trains sigh out and out and in the past there was steam – the heave of turbine but they had no antibiotics then and there is no possible wander away we enter into you, grim-smiled sifting pollen in the halls - you are the giant maw unloved Aug 02 [This message has been edited by Severn (09-08-2002 04:52 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Kamla I know you are in CA cause you want a crit..but honestly, this one hit me so hard on the emotional level, not sure I can do anything but sigh or cry...and that means this is exceptional. Perhaps I'll be back later for another try. Huggles, you! |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Gee me too - I could never critique you anyway, but I am in absolute sobs on this one, so there's your critique - I don't cry easily. The most valuable thing you own is a smile, wear it, and share it. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Oh well um...I feel terrible now! You're the last two I expected to see here lol and look what I did, honestly, I feel really bad... but um thanks?  Martie, I remember thinking of you when I wrote this, and thought I'd shown you - but maybe not...hugs, I saw her in this poem. Sharon, neither do I, so I really do appreciate that - tears aren't easy things to part with...  K |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
it’s much too early to ask if you could change your position face the sky a little and learn to regurgitate souls we’ve not come so far from miracle penicillin, bio-medicine – but you know about the taste of ravage concealed in the tiny invisible I've no business here but I read this and it spoke a voice I needed. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
well, i know i've seen this, and i think i've commented on it. uhm - i can't remember what i might have said though.  ah well, ma-bee i'll give you a new take on it later then. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
As you know Kamla, I can't offer much valid critique to one who actually understands free verse so I won't try here. I did see a lot of saddness of course, as the others did. I certainly stirs up the emotions so I would have to say you accomplished what you intended. On another note, you brought in a few people we don't often see in CA and that is a good thing. Keep 'em coming. Thanks, Pete |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Severn, This is a slow forum, isn't it? Well, the title drew me in, the word hospital actually-- been there a few times and it's not my favorite place to be. So, with that in mind.... I have some suggestions for you to think about.... so use what you want and discard the rest.A monolithic hunch of quiet linoleum and calm ** I have always noticed that hospital floors are always polished and therefore I automatically replaced "quiet" with the word "polished" Also, hospitals are not usually quiet and calm in my opinion, there is at most times a considerable amount of action especially during the daytime hours, perhaps it is more quiet and calm in the evening unless there is an emergency. I was thinking more on the lines of agitation and unrest. Just a thought. I would lose the dash in line 3 and a line break after "bodied" and a line break after "past" in line 5 also. Is "power of the flesh" the way you want to go here? When one enters a hospital the flesh is sick so there would be no power really-- perhaps "diseases of the flesh" would work. it's much too early to ask if you could change your position face the sky a little and learn to regurgitate souls we've not come so far from miracle penicillin, bio-medicine - but you know about the taste of ravage concealed in the tiny invisible ** ok, I like this stanza and I only have a few nits here. In line 3 perhaps drop "a little" with a line break after "sky" and drop "so" in line 5. Make a line break after "medicine" in line 6-- get rid of the dash and the word "but"-- make another line break after "ravage." 'I'm sorry for the loss of your son' for the purloined sun, and flowers scuttled steps to kindergarten 'but he was only four' and we hear the protest frothing - hear the Herculean surge ** I would drop 'the' in the 2nd line and I don't think you need a comma after 'sun'-- it stops the flow and runs in with the next line which ends up not making any sense-- perhaps a comma after 'flowers.' The way line 3 is written doesn't sound right to my ear-- perhaps add "go unheard' at the end of that line. Dunno, something to think about. I would make a line break after 'four' and at 'frothing' also and again I would suggest removing the dash. our lives are tick-tocked in careful units we cite living for the moment and hammock the young in be carefuls yet we know the demeanour of grief ** Perhaps drop 'are' and go with 'tick-tock' on this line and drop the word 'careful' I think it has a better sound as 'our lives tick-tock in units'-- don't you? Line 5-- perhaps drop 'yet.' -no one wants to sway when the light fades and the remembered are scuffing sand echoing within the dunes ** I would make a line break after 'sand' and I am having trouble with 'sand-- dune-- and echoing' Echoes in a well perhaps but not with sand. You might want to think about finding a better word choice there. adieu adieu trains sight out and out and in the past there was steam -- the heave of turbine but they had no antibiotics then ** Bringing trains into the poem is jarring to me. It seems out of place and I know that you are trying to bring the past and present to the fore to bring to light the developements of medicine but to me the train just doesn't do it. I actually think that you could leave this stanza out and it would not harm the poem. Could be just me though-- someone else might say it's fine. and there is no possible wander away we enter into you, grim-smiled sifting pollen in the halls - you are the giant maw unloved ** Do you really need line 1? Perhaps 'grim-faced?' Again, drop the dash in line 4. I also noticed that you don't use punctuation which I find helps the reader to pause in areas that you would want them to take notice of and you omit using capitals in the appropriate places. I do understand that this is a preference on your part but the reader would benefit with these additions. A poignant read and one that hits home all too well. Thankyou for sharing, I enjoyed. caterina [This message has been edited by caterina (09-09-2002 02:05 PM).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hiya Sev, "a monolithic hunch of quiet linoleum and calm" Fantastic opening....I'm very jealous of the way you began this poem. "Damn you apes, damn you dirty apes!"...well maybe that quote doesn't go with the sentiments but its sure fun to say. "- we, frail-bodied, edge out from seaside resorts hotels, work and happy homes Janes and Jacks sidle past, sated in impressions and the power of the flesh" Actually the whole first stanza is solid...however, consider chopping off either "seaside resorts" or "hotels" (I would choose hotels), because although not entirely the same, they are very similar whereas all the other places in that section seem to be referring each to a totally different place. "it’s much too early to ask if you could change your position face the sky a little and learn to regurgitate souls we’ve not come so far from miracle penicillin, bio-medicine – but you know about the taste of ravage concealed in the tiny invisible" Another solid stanza. Really liked the last four lines. "‘I’m sorry for the loss of your son’ for the purloined sun, and flowers scuttled steps to kindergarten ‘but he was only four’ and we hear the protest frothing – hear the Herculean surge" I'm not really sure what the "Herculean surge" was a reference to so I don't really want to comment on this part until I can figure it out or you enlighten me. "our lives are tick-tocked in careful units we cite living for the moment and hammock the young in be carefuls yet we know the demeanour of grief - no one wants to sway when the light fades and the remembered are scuffing sand, echoing within the dunes" I didn't think "tick-tocked" personally worked for me. However the rest is really good in my opinion, loved some of the word use, especially..."we cite living for the moment/and hammock the young/in be carefuls". "adieu adieu" Personally I wasn't all that keen on "adieu". I don't know, I don't think its totally necessary but also I can't really form an opinion if the poem loses out by chopping it away. "trains sigh out and out and in the past there was steam – the heave of turbine but they had no antibiotics then and there is no possible wander away we enter into you, grim-smiled sifting pollen in the halls - you are the giant maw unloved" I really liked the way you described disease here, fantastic choice of words. Damn you... I really have nothing to make fun of here.  One suggestion I have is perhaps consider adding in some puntuation. Although I'm not a stickler when it comes to this, I do think that some punctuation may help with this piece as far as pacing the reader properly. I dunno, what'cha think? Anyways, a great poem, thanks for the read, Omar |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
The word usage in this poem was keen. I enjoyed almost all the lines. My crits go along the lines of Caterin'a- great verse though. [This message has been edited by YeshuJah (09-10-2002 01:02 PM).] |
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geenabee Member
since 2002-09-10
Posts 59NC--USA |
okay, new critter here, so here goes: Actually, this poem is a very well-written group of verses. I feel a kinship with you in your voice...I like the heavy metaphoric tone of it, and also the subject matter as well. I am a hospital worker, and therefore, these words speak to me on a different level than maybe to some of the other readers here. I've been on both sides of the problem of medicine. I see people who cannot be helped; my hospital is a regional cancer center. So you have captured the bleak monolith very well, I think. I also would like to ask if you edit your poems and rewrite them much, or if, like me, you regurgitate emotions and let whatever monster you create just speak for itself...If you have rewritten it, I think it still feels as if your emotions have just erupted. Very nicely done. Good to read ya, Geenabee |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Duncan - of course you have a right to be here...everyone does, and I really appreciate your stopping by, critique or no critique. I'm moved that my words can move others..thank you. C - mmhmm...waiting with bated breath ~snicker~ (no seriously love, you know I always appreciate your crits) Pete - grr..what is it with people who think they can't offer valid crits? ~slap!~ Stop being so self-deprecating or I will be forced to give you free verse lessons so you have no excuse heh. Consider yourself told off. Oh and I didn't bring them, they just came...sheesh, anyone would think we WANTED them to ~grin~ thanks you. Yesh - Appreciate you stopping by and reading... Geenabee - thank you, and welcome to passions Hm, some poems I rewrite..and some I don't. Some I write in 10 minutes, some in an hour, some over days. At first I didn't rewrite at all really...odd word here and there. Then, last year I did a creative writing course as part of my degree - that taught me how essential rewriting can be, and how to go about it. What you see here is my first draft...the first two lines were rewritten though as result of advice...Now, Caterina and Trevor, I will be back to answer your crits...just out of time right now. cheers ears K |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Righto...I have time now...kind of. But I, gallantly, will make time ~snort~ Cat (I love cats..I have one, she's cute and black and white, and currently sitting on the sun-roof in the rain. So cuuuuute. So if I call you cat, hope you don't mind). You know, if you compare CA to a snail taking a leisurely Sunday walk I'd say the forum's pretty damn fast Oh and thank you for your critique it's really appreciated. Now, a response to some of your suggestions... (note aside - going to talk about my punctuation philosophy after I reply to Initial Trev). First stanza Firstly, I can see the sense in what you are saying about polished and hospitals not being such calm places etc. I guess this is where author interpretation emerges. I have a startling memory of a hospital...sigh, well - several actually and all incorporate the same thing. Calm, hush. Right from when I was child and my mother started getting sick, till now - it's that moment of horrible entry - stepping into some quiet hall, monstrous, alien-like. It's that image that transmuted over into the poem. Powers of the flesh refers to healthy people. The whole 'it won't happen to me' syndrome...it being any disease, accident, tragedy you can think of. But it does, all the time, to all of us. Second stanza I have considered dropping the word 'little' but have decided to let it stand as I was going for a deliberately colloquial tone here. Line breaks will pretty much stand as they are too - I have a thing about making line breaks in the middle of sentences..they reflect my tone, the pauses I want, the sound, the breath, the spacing that I want the reader to find somehow. ALways intentional. I am an arrogant writer. I always want how I hear it in my head to somehow be communicated...Third verse Now, the 'the' in the second line. That just doesn't make sense anymore if I dropped that. 'for purloined sun'? Blech. Lol. Over the last year I have developed an almost prose-poetry way of writing in some ways. I love articles, I love my the's and a's and very rarely drop them. Sometimes I do, so please continue to tell me where you believe it would work without them - you can just expect me to argue with you heh. If I added 'go unheard' at the end that would be overstating don't you think? The fact that we are talking about loss implies previously that those steps are lost. Unheard. Fourth stanza I agree completely with your suggestions on tick-tocked and careful. Fifth stanza I see your point with the echoes etc. I'm thinking more of the voice of the dead. An echo from the past etc - it's a remoulding of a cliche. Will think more on it. sixth Trains - supposed to be jarring, glad to see it worked. To be honest, there was no actual intent to bring the past and the present - it all kind of just wrote itself, and the trains were there. Again, because of this complete randomness, I will think more on what you say.Seventh Yes, I need grim-smiled but I will certainly think on dropping the first line. Thanks so much for taking the time out to give me your honest thoughts... Trev or Mr Hurly Bot Jealous is not a pretty thing. Tch. Shaking my head sadly in pity. Seriously, now. Paying attention and all. First stanza You know - I agree about the hotels...but but but - you read that line aloud without hotels in it. There is no edge! It's like a sing-song blechy rhyme. Ideas? Second stanza cheers ears third Herculean surge. Hercules - big scary strong guy (also rumoured to live over here, well, at least until the show got canned, but compared to Legolas? Pish..nuttin). The surge...protest: The strength of Humanity to deny our mortality, to deny the loss of what we perceive as innocence through our social-moral ethics. Etc. Geddit? Fourth Tick-tocked is going. What do you think of merely tick-tock? Hmm...the adieu adieu didn't leave you with the impression of a haunted farewell? Oh well...maybe you're not the 1950's black and white melodramatic type heh. Last stanzas Nothing to make fun of? You should talk to Chris, he'll help you out. He can find NO END of things to make fun of where I'm concerned. oh yes, 'nothing to make fun of' music to poor K's ears..(violins).NOW For the benefit of Cat and Trev. ~rubbing hands in glee~ (hm, I do that a lot. Punctuation...drum roll, fireworks etc. My punctuation-murder is part of my writing. To ask me to remove dashes, order disordered line breaks and add fullstops/periods and commas at the end of a line - nah, killing my style. There is punctuation...inside the verse, fullstops and commas to your hearts content..but NOT at the end. Not in this baby, and not in many of my other poems... I prefer to let the space at the end of the line speak for itself. I've gone Olsonian in that respect and I'm going to follow it and see where it takes me. To the emerald city of poetry perhaps, and it will be revealed to be just a masque. But it might work. So..get to the end of the line, and hope like hell the spaces flow. One of the biggest problems, dilemnas we face as critics is where we draw the line between re-writing someone else's poem in our own style, whether subconciously or not, and learning to critique within the virtues of someone else's style. This is actually a harder line to draw when critiquing freeverse - because the rules...well, what rules... hugs you two...it was awesome to be critiqued again...and this reminds me that I need to post much much more often at this place... K |
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