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YeshuJah
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65
FL USA

0 posted 2002-09-07 08:34 PM



Read me something dear.
Let me go out, let me go out,
with your voice ringing in my ear.
Hold my hand and I'll face death,
but read to me while time is yet.

Regale me of times shared together,
by lovers mired in dreams of forever;
come read to me-
come read to me-
Let's stir the embers of the air,
let's dispel specters of despair.

Read to me of lover's lies, of cheating
hearts hid in this guise, and tears poured
oft' upon midnight.
But read to me, oh read to me,
before light's spectrum cease to be.

Read to me of fog horn's wail
stretched low upon beached mornings frail,
when we before the sun was lit,
swam without shame on ocean's spit.

Yes read to me, come read to me,
in shades and tones wrought wistfully--
a verse of sorrow mixed with joy,
before I board death's Trojan toy.

Read to me from Frost and Poe;
of Solomon's longing for his roe.
Oh let me savor once again
an effervescent Scott refrain.

And when the last great verse is read,
and memories lose the path they tread,
Still--
read me something special dear.

Let me go out.
Let me go out.
With your voice echoing in my ear

© Copyright 2002 YeshuJah Ibsen Amadeus Malikk - All Rights Reserved
WhiteRose
Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon
1 posted 2002-09-08 04:53 PM


Oh I thought this was simply splendid. I would not change a line or stanza. Not one word or phrase. It's excellent!

[This message has been edited by WhiteRose (09-08-2002 04:53 PM).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2002-09-09 10:17 AM


Hey YM,

I think this is excellent. I'm sure there must be some flaws in it but right now I can't really see anything. Well one thing. I think it deserves a full title instead of the abbreviation or shorthand. But I think there is some reason you did it that way although I don't understand what it is. Please enlighten me on that. Also, I know your intent was to stress the "read to me" theme but somehow it seemed a little overdone. But that's probably just me. I certainly would not suggest changing it just on that one opinion. Maybe you could change the wording just a little here and there to soften that a bit.

Thanks for the read,
Pete

caterina
Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188
Canada
3 posted 2002-09-09 11:36 AM


Hi Yesh,

This was an enjoyable read and I do have a few suggestions for ya.  

Read me something dear,
Let me go out, let me go out,
with your voice ringing in my ear.
Hold my hand and I'll face deathe,
but read to me while time is yet.

**  Line 1--  that word 'something' bothers me.....I would rather see you to with 'Read to me my dear'....  just don't like that word 'something.'  I would drop the word 'out' in the 2nd line.  Also, perhaps drop 'and I'll' in the 4th line and go with 'hold my hand when I face death' and I am thinking to drop 'but' on the last line.

Regle me of times shared together,
by lovers mired in dreams of forever;
come read to me-
come read to me-
Let's stir the embers of the air,
let's despel specters of dispair.

**  Line 2--  change 'by' with 'of.'  I would consider dropping the two lines of 'come read to me' here--  it just seems overdone.  In the last line it sounds better if you drop 'let's' and go with 'dispel the spectres of dispair.'

Read to me of lover's lies, of cheating
hearts hid in this guise, and tears poured
oft'upon midnight.
But read to me, oh read to me,
before light's spectrum cease to be.

**  I would drop the 2nd 'of' in line 1 and instead of 'this guise'--  change it to 'their guise'--  should that read 'hidden?'  drop the 'and' on the same line also.  The 4th line would read better without the 'oh' to my ear.... and should it be 'ceases to be' or 'spectrums cease to be'--  something sounds strange there.

Read to me of fog horn's wail
stretched low upon beached mornings frail,
when we before the sune was lit,
swam without shame on ocean's spit.

**  Ok, should you have an 'a' before 'fog?'  The last line  would sound better as so-- 'swam shameless on the ocean's spit'.....what do you think?

Yes read to me, come read to me
in shades and tones wrought wistfully--
a verse of sorrow mixed with joy,
before I board death's Trojan toy.

**  This stanza is just fine except that I would get rid of 'come' in the 1st line.

Read to me from Frost and Poe;
of Soloman's longing for his roe.
Oh let me savor once again
an effervescent Scott refrain.

**  Again, this stanza rings just fine but I would think about removing the word 'oh' in the 3rd line.

And when the last great verse is read,
and memories lose the path they tread
still--
read me something special dear.

**  Ok, you know what I'm going to say here.     That darn word 'something' and so again my suggestion is to just go with ' read to me my dear'

Let me go out.
Let me go out.
With your voice echoing in my ear.

**  One suggestion here--  I would drop the word 'out' in those 2 lines.  

This is a good poem Yesh and I enjoyed the flow and content. I am not one for rhymes but I liked this one.

Thanks for sharing.

caterina

[This message has been edited by caterina (09-09-2002 01:38 PM).]

YeshuJah
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65
FL USA
4 posted 2002-09-09 02:43 PM


WhiteRose- thank you for your kind words. I am delighted that you thought this good as is.  I appreciate the time you took to read and comment.
YeshuJah
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65
FL USA
5 posted 2002-09-09 02:43 PM


Pete, you are correct in that there is an explanation of sorts for the shortened title.  This poem was born one night as I thought about who might die first in my family; my wife or myself. I tried to think of what would be the last words we'd exchange if it were her dying and I was standing there.. in the midst of it all my parents came up before me and I put them in the room instead with my mom on the deathbed whilst my dad stood there.  From there I constructed the whole thing based on some things I knew about their relationship.  For instance, my dad was a philanderer, and I thought of him standing there trying to apologize for his ways- but it was as if I could see my mother give him that glance that said: zip it, 'X it', don't say it! hence, 'X it' as the title, and the repetitive 'read me something'-- as if to say: just read me something I can't stand anymore lies, not now.  I also knew from my mom, that they'd swim naked at the beach.
My dad was a man of words, widely read; wrote a few verses himself, so I imagined that this would have hurt him immensely; the fact that all she would let him say was something someone else said- at her death bed no less.  So, this is where the whole thing came from.  I just took the idea and ran with it.  Hope this clears things up a bit. I hope it also speaks to the sense that 'read me something' was overdone.

[This message has been edited by YeshuJah (09-09-2002 02:44 PM).]

YeshuJah
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65
FL USA
6 posted 2002-09-09 02:44 PM


Caterina, thank you for the ideas and suggestions you offered.  I agree with you that 'read me something' was used a lot but I felt it was warranted.  I tend to stay away from repetitions myself but please read my explanation to Pete above and let me knowwhat you think.  Thank you for the time you took to read and respond to the poem.
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
7 posted 2002-09-10 12:05 PM


Hiya Yesh,

I'm kinda rushed for time right now but I'll come back when I can and offer more.

Excellent poem. I'm not usually a fan of rhymed poetry but I think that both you and Pete are doing a fine job of making me have to reconsider my opinion.

"Read to me of lover's lies, of cheating
hearts hid in this guise, and tears poured
oft' upon midnight.
But read to me, oh read to me,
before light's spectrum cease to be."

Simply wonderful stanza, loooved it, especially for the whole flow and pace of it...smooth like butter. However consider changing "specters" in the stanza prior because it is noticeable with "spectrum" in this stanza.

One more thing I wanted to mention before I have to ski-dattle is:

"Yes read to me, come read to me,
in shades and tones wrought wistfully--
a verse of sorrow mixed with joy,
before I board death's Trojan toy."

The last line seems a bit of a forced rhyme...also, The Trojan toy reference seems to be used in reverse...I mean the Trojan toy seemed to be the victor against death and it wasn't those who boarded the horse that died but those who recieved it. Maybe consider something along the lines of "before death brings me a Trojan toy"..or a similar idea...what'cha think? Nonetheless I thought it was a good poem. I liked most of the repetition and thought it helped build tension and an anxiousness of the character. One more suggestion I have...I know I said it would be a quick email but I'm kinda long winded...

"Let me go out.
Let me go out.
With your voice echoing in my ear"

Consider dropping "out" in L2 of this section. Expands on the meaning behind the repetition without losing the effect of the rep. Ah vell, just some suggestions I have, now I gotta go, but thanks for the enjoyable read.

Mr. Hurlyknot the whirling bird

caterina
Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188
Canada
8 posted 2002-09-10 09:26 PM




Hi Yesh,

I read your explanation to Pete and I understand and yes you should leave it as is and it will be fine.  You know, this is a lovely poem, I would just make the changes that you feel are really needed and that you are satisfied with. I still like it no matter what you choose to do.

Thanks for a lovely read.

caterina




YeshuJah
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65
FL USA
9 posted 2002-09-11 09:38 AM


Caterina, thank you.
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
10 posted 2002-09-12 02:44 PM


:

[This message has been edited by Trevor (09-12-2002 02:59 PM).]

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
11 posted 2002-09-13 12:13 PM


Yesh:

I enjoyed this.  I couldn't help but to think of Cummings when reading some of the lines.  I think it is the combination of the lyrical nature of the poem and the sense of desperation I read in some of the lines (e.g., Let me go out. / Let me go out. /).

Sorry I joined the dialogue after the explanation.

Jim

YeshuJah
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65
FL USA
12 posted 2002-09-13 11:38 PM


Jim, thank you for reading the poem. I'm glad that the urgency portrayed came across.


Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
13 posted 2002-09-18 12:06 PM


I just got a little time to read this with more depth. I can see your intent, with the aid of your explanation. Even without that, I have changed my mind about "read to me" seeming possibly a little overdone. I now think it is appropriate. I'm still not fully convinced on the title though. I think it deserves more.

I did get a different feeling than what you described. I see the urgency of the emotion expressed but I still don't feel an intent to hurt. Instead I imagined reading is something they enjoyed and she (could be he) wishes that to the end.

Either way I think it makes a great poem. We might refer to the thread "Melt" by Trevor for some guidance here. I am, of course, a sucker for rhyming poetry and I found it interesting how you wove a lot of rhyme into this one while mucking about quite a bit with the meter, some of it seeming pretty much non-metric even. Quite often I find this sort of playing around to be distracting but not this time. Exdellent job here.

Thanks,
Pete

YeshuJah
Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65
FL USA
14 posted 2002-09-18 01:55 PM


Pete, thanks for coming back to this.   I haven't given any thought to finding another title for the poem, but I suppose I should 'Xit' doesn't say anything unless one read my explanation.  The picture you got is a potent one, and is testament I think to the multiplicity of meanings and interpretations inherent in the written word.

Your use of the word excellent to describe the work is to me flattering; now if only I can duplicate this type of effort.. thank you.  As regards meter I am a vagabond, I have never learned the art of it and just write what the single eye of 'how I feel ', that may place me in the category of one not serious about the craft, if so I am comfortable there.  I just like dabbling with words and make no boast of being 'informed' on the finer points of writing.  Again, thank you.

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