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Dorothy (the Alice syndrome)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Dorothy (the Alice syndrome) |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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This the second part of a poem based loosely on Alice, it has little connection the first part. I have always been unsure about it. ----------------------------------- I am Dorothy, Then Ever-Changing, Subject in part to Uncle's schizophrenia, I utter Geinsberg, "great minds gone to waste." She burns a hit of nicotine; a sickly semi-pale semi-freckled child vomiting its venomous odour. Even in the open street I despise its musk and all of its attachments. Such is the nature of the addict they never mean to insult, and I should know, kneeled over a shaved bone. Touching from a distance across generations, bridging the gaps mid-sentence. Curse my mule logic It is nothing of value in what matters of the heart (?) From the margin of maternity's silence vow we have travelled the depths of our bound, and that is enough for now. I am Dorothy experiencing The Alice Syndrome, An ailment of which there is no cure, life is a fatal disease . I am Dorothy Ever-changing, Still I retain the most important parts of me. Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich W. Nietzsche |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Brian, Read your write a few times and have come to the conclusion that this is a father concerned about a daughter, a teenager I would imagine and the generation gap. I think it became confusing for me though when you switched from 1st to 3rd and then to 1st person again. I might suggest that the 1st and last stanzas where Dorothy is speaking be indented and in parenthesis. I think you could take out "semi-pale" and just go with " a sickly semi-freckled child." I was thinking that "and all of its attachments" could be dropped-- otherwise I would wonder what you mean by attachments and might ask you to clarify. I don't really get the line "kneeled over a shaved bone."-- I have an idea but not really sure so maybe it's something you need to clarify. I like the line "curse my mule logic" and of course that would refer to being stubborn. It is nothing of value in what matters of the heart >> I think this needs to be worded differently, perhaps " It is of no value in matters of the heart" Should "silence" be "silent?" "bound"-- should that be... bond? And of course the ending is that although she changes outwardly-- on the inside she is still the same person that everyone loves. Nice poem Brian, very touching and I enjoyed. Thanks for sharing. caterina |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Caterina, "I think it became confusing for me though when you switched from 1st to 3rd and then to 1st person again. I might suggest that the 1st and last stanzas where Dorothy is speaking be indented and in parenthesis." The poem concerns a son speaking about his relationship with his mother. The Dorothy part is spoken by the son, i.e me. The "she" is the mother, so there is no switch from first to third person. Looking at it now i can see how it may cause confusion. It is not usual for a male to refer to himself as a classical fictional herione, I like to put a twist on things. Ok will cut "semi pale" With the line "and all of its attachments" I was trying to show how a habit like smoking can become part of a person's personality in a way. For me smoking shows the less flattering side of people by the rituals they have when they smoke. It's like it reveals more of a person's behaviour by how they smoke. Hence the attachment's line. The line "kneeled over a shaved bone." is a clear as I want it to be. The line "It is nothing of value in what matters of the heart" is a pun, It was meant to read as "it is nothing of value/ in what matters?/ Matter's of the heart" basically three trains of thought twisted into one sentence. You are right about the rest, typos. Thanks for your reply. much appreciated. Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich W. Nietzsche |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I am Dorothy, Then Ever-changing, Subject in part to Uncle's schizophrenia, I utter Geinsberg, "great minds gone to waste." [Getting rid of the word "then" will give the intro more punch!] She burns a hit of nicotine; [Here you abruptly change from first-person singular to second-person singular. Inconsistency of viewpoint is a no-no!] a sickly semi-pale semi-freckled child vomiting its venomous odour. [odor] [Are you British?] [The double use of the prefix "semi" is irritating to the ear for two reasons. It is non-desriptive, and it is repetitious. Its has a rather vague or nebulous quality which conveys something without conveying actually, and with all due respect--nothing at all! It leaves too much to the reader's imagination. Better to be specific. I also find the use of the phrase "venomous odor" in reference to cigarette smoke an unjustified hyperbole Needs toning down a bit.] Even in the open street I despise its musk and all of its attachments. [Now you unexpectedly shift to first-person singular again seemingly on a whim. Furthermore, the comparison of musk to the previous venomous fumes is rather difficult to reconcile. Once established, an image must remain consistent. Additionally, "attachments" is another vague word which does NOTHING for the imagery of your poem, Use concrete words which convey specific images.] Such is the nature of the addict they never mean to insult, [Again! Another sudden shift in viewpoint! Now it's second person plural! This reminds me of those films where the viewer is wrenched unexpectedly from scene to scene in a jerky-like manner until he has to turn off the TV. Stay true to viewpoint as set in the intro.] and I should know, [Wheeee! Back to first person singular again!] kneeled over a shaved bone. [What?] Touching from a distance across generations, bridging the gaps mid-sentence. Curse my mule logic It is nothing of value in what matters of the heart (?) From the margin of maternity's silence vow we have travelled [traveled] [Misspelled words distract]! the depths of our bound, and that is enough for now. I am Dorothy experiencing The Alice Syndrome, [Show me--don't tell me! Once you begin to tell, then the imagery suffers.] An ailment of which there is no cure, life is a fatal disease. I am Dorothy Ever-changing, [The above statement is not strongly supported by the poem's previous descriptions. You need stronger complementary material in the poem's body in order to convince readers that Dorothy's changeability was indeed the poem's main theme. As it stands, the description is far too diffused to accomplish this.] Still I retain the most important parts of me [A totally unnecessary additional ending which weakens the previously strong conclusion. Once you finish--finish! Anything in excess will be rambling.] [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-07-2002 04:17 PM).] |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
ooops! [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-07-2002 04:01 PM).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
It is strange the way sometimes the rules that we normally adhere to, we sometimes break without realising it. I see know that the poem does not have the substance, the relevant lines in order to support the switch from first to third person. Now to address your comments. I agree as caterina pointed out in her crit. that the repetition of "semi" is not needed. I am Irish, so I use Euporean grammar. Agreed that a poem "an image must remain consistent," "Use concrete words which convey specific images" I wanted to remain vague, it is the nature of the poem, I am writing about a loved one, and my attempt to reconcile myself with the habits they have that irratates me. I can see I failed on that level. "This reminds me of those films where the viewer is wrenched unexpectedly from scene to scene in a jerky-like manner until he has to turn off the TV" Some of those films are good, lol but seriously I can see your point. And to your other points, fair comments and ones I preach myself. it is always nice to get the bad poems out of our system. Thanks for the crit. Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich W. Nietzsche |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
It's so nice to read United Kingdom English spelling for a change.  It's funny innit - you know, I truly can't remember if we spell defense with a c or an s anymore...etc etc. Now, to your poem. (Oh and since I'm not sure what you have and haven't changed, endure my own repetition if there should be such ~grin~ ) I am Dorothy, Then Ever-Changing, Subject in part to Uncle's schizophrenia, I utter Geinsberg, "great minds gone to waste." Like this bar the 'then' She burns a hit of nicotine; a sickly semi-pale semi-freckled child vomiting its venomous odour. Well Bri...truth to tell I like the repetition of semi-pale, semi-freckled. I used to be the ardent anti-repetition queen, but in some areas I'm a little more open to it. Thanks Gertrude...  Even in the open street I despise its musk and all of its attachments. Such is the nature of the addict they never mean to insult, and I should know, kneeled over a shaved bone. Now I am curious about the shaved bone myself...got me thinking all sorts of things...but you're not going to spill on that one methinks...hm, I feel like all I want to say, someone else already has heh, but I did want to say that the 'all its attachments' line is unnecessary - so, I think, is 'the nature of the addict' line. Touching from a distance across generations, bridging the gaps mid-sentence. Curse my mule logic It is nothing of value in what matters of the heart (?) Unfortunately, this is the kind of thing that will probably only be obvious to you - or university students who ponder your lines for a week or so. Which is not a bad thing - but you should prepare yourself that no one will likely appreciate your genius bar you lollol..I don't like the 'curse my mule logic.' Though I do like Mule logic comma, as a lead into the next line.From the margin of maternity's silence vow we have travelled the depths of our bound, and that is enough for now. Margin of maternity's silence vow? Blech. You can refine that I think...cutting out the margin...I know you're playing with space here...but it's too much, too complicated. I am Dorothy experiencing The Alice Syndrome, An ailment of which there is no cure, life is a fatal disease . Hm..for some reason the word experiencing doesn't cut it here. Something simpler like 'with' reads well to me. You know - I'd kill the last two lines of your poem - the ones below and maybe have 'life is a fatal disease' as a stand alone line. OR, cut that line as well - it might be too much of an overstatement. Now my dear - this whole first/third person. You know what? I like it, I like what you have done, I had absolutely no problem following the vein of the poem as I read it above. Remember...always consider your crits carefully before you yourself bag what you have done ok? Cheers ears  K |
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