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Critical Analysis #2
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The Ashes of our Dignity
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Ashes of our Dignity |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan 
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The Ashes of our Dignity Every distance looms like an ocean of miles an endless corridor of pain each footstep strikes lightning to the marrow sparking fragments of nerve searing flesh How easily our tissue thin wrappings are ripped to shreds our visceral inner workings exposed to scathe of time Brittle armour, shielding our passions can smash in an orange hot instant whacking hard at the gears and turnings of truth within By what honor can we survive this defiled sanctuary from which no soul escapes alive? In the end, all of us rest in pieces of our smashed armour and shredded wrapping The ashes of our dignity [This message has been edited by Madame Chipmunk (09-03-2002 12:24 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Lyra Nesius - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Stryder Junior Member
since 2002-06-22
Posts 29Silent Hill |
*scratches head* I must be really tired, because I don't get this poem... *walks away* "Two wrongs don't make a right, |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Lyra, I must confess too that I'm having trouble putting any direct meaning to this poem. Part of me wants to guess that it is solely about the fragile temporal shell we call our body, but I still get the impression that there are more specifics you are wanting to convey to the reader. However I don't think that its clear enough as to what they are. Part of me wants to guess that its about Aushwitz, another part wants to guess hell, another guess would be a medical crematorium or an ailing person reflecting on the enivitable. You don't seem to allude at all to where, when and to who all this is happening to. I wish I could offer you better input but I can't without more clarification because I'm not sure what you are trying to convey to the reader. Anyways, sorry I couldn't be of more help, thanks for the read, Trevor |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I have to say I enjoyed the poem, it seems to me to be about the futility of war. What struck me most about the poem is the images are raw and powerful without being graphic. There is little I would change, one or two things maybe. For me the first verse does not flow as well as the rest of the poem, I would suggest dropping the first two lines, I feel "each footstep strikes lightning to the marrow" would be a much better line to start off on, it suits the tone of the poem much better. The first line is too vague in its connection with the rest of the piece and the second line "an endless corridor of pain" is to be blunt weak when surrounded by the more vivid imagery of the rest of the poem. My other problem is with the third verse, the word "whacking," I feel it doesn't suit the rest of the poem. Lastly and this is not a criticism. I enjoyed the rest of the poem but the last five lines switch from beautiful somewhat cryptic imagery to spelling out the message of the poem. They are good lines but I wonder if the poem might me more powerful if you removed them. Sure the audience might have to work harder but the message would be more powerful. Maybe even removing the line: "By what honor can we survive this defiled sanctuary from which no soul escapes alive?" I think it gives just a bit too much away. Other than that a very well written poem. "To the depths of the ocean where all hopes sank searching for you Moving through the silence without motion |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Madame, I think the poem speaks to a common plight all humans share, but I couldn't get past that assumption. The verses read to me like isolated truisms, connected in principle but not in the work here- seems to lack flow and continuity. just MO. |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Thank you all for your comments.... They are very helpful. I am going to try to re-work this poem so that it says what I want it to say... Which, it obviously doesn't. I have bladder cancer which I think may have metastesized to my bones... I just had the bone scan on Friday and it hasn't been read yet... but I have a pain in my leg which gets worse daily. So, I just wrote out my feelings, hence... the first line... and the entire first verse. Trevor, I had to laugh when you mentioned Aushwitz and hell because thats what this feels like... so I guess its not THAT far off the mark. And Brian... Yes it is about a war of sorts I am going to try to re-work it so that it conveys what I was really going for here... but I thank you all again for your remarks, I found them very helpful and most interesting.  Lyra |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
HI Lyra, what lead me to believe it was about war was the use of the words "armour" and “honor”. Reading it now I see especially by the second stanza what it is really about. If you add some medical reference even in the title and maybe replace the word “armour” then I believe the poem will be clearer to the reader. I am sorry to hear of your illness and pray that you make a swift return to full heal. Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich W. Nietzsche |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Thanks Brian... I will try to replace those words and see what happens...  ~ thank you hugs from the chipmunkLyra |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Sorry about your illness! May God grant you health and peace. In Jesus' name. Amen! Thanks for sharing your poetry with us! [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-04-2002 03:28 AM).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Lyra, I knew there was something a lot deeper to the poem then what the words were letting on. I liked Brian's idea of either changing the title or armour to help clarify the meaning. And I'm glad that you are still writing through all of this, I hope inking some of your feelings helps ease some of the pain. I also would like to wish you well in such difficult times and I hope you have a swift and full recovery. Best wishes, Trevor |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
I haven't gotten the chance to work on this poem yet.... For the past 2 days, I've been waiting for my doctor to call with the results of my bone scan which I had done on Friday. The pain in my leg had gotten worse, and when I had the scan... I had a very talkative tech, who told me that it didn't look like I had any "hot spots" but when we got to my leg, he said "there was definitely something there" but it didn't look like a bone metasteses because they are usually dark and dense and this one was very diffuse. So they took another pic of it in 3D and I will probably have to have an MRI next... This waiting is making me so nervous that I can't even think straight. The scan is taking on a life of it's own... It is now breathing fire from my nostrils and will soon be growing claws... When I calm down, I will work on this poem... Just to let you know I haven't forgotten. In the meantime, I am  Lyra |
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