navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » At the Swings
Critical Analysis #2
Post A Reply Post New Topic At the Swings Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Craw
Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73
Scotland

0 posted 2003-11-25 05:52 AM


Puddles,
and bracelets of scuffed bloom.
The wet trees butt water
and the river noses past the bridge,
the arches stubbled with moss,
to where reeds swim with sandstone
in a black mirage
and only the punctuation of swans,
bent like question marks,
dazzles.

He swings,
his bright red shoes a challenge
to the consensus of cloud and rooftiles,
the wash of grey and green.
He stretches out his hands,
palm outwards,
"I can let go, and hold onto nothing."

He's kept me moored like a full stop
on this page
that he'll desert one day
without a thought.
There's colour in the world,
a dazzle of colour,
but where could I go to see
such a brush stroke,
bold against the sky?
I could let go,
but would hold onto nothing.

[This message has been edited by Craw (11-25-2003 07:07 AM).]

© Copyright 2003 Craw - All Rights Reserved
cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
1 posted 2003-11-25 06:49 AM


This one immediately drew me in, but in L 3, I sort of tripped up momentarily while I  figured out the meaning. I know you mean something such as abut, border, etc., and using a different word, in my mind, would help it to flow as easily as the rest of it did.

“Roof tiles” should be two words, as should “full stop”

These few mistakes didn’t stop me from wanting to read on, because within the simplicity of your words, you’ve created some compelling imagery.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
2 posted 2003-11-25 10:41 AM


Hi Craw,

It's good to see you in Critical Analysis again    
I really liked the imagery as well and the sentiment you've captured here.

"The wet trees butt water
and the river noses past the bridge,
the arches stubbled with moss"


"the" gets a bit wearied in these lines.  Perhaps "a river" and "under arches"
may do a bit better, just for the flow.
"noses" is a wonderful verb choice.

"and only the punctuation of swans,
bent like question marks,
dazzles."
  

I love that idea.

"He's kept me moored like a full stop"

I think you could replace "kept" with the hidden "has"  here.  "He has me"

Hope my suggestions are sound.  Enjoyed the reading.

Essorant

[This message has been edited by Essorant (11-25-2003 10:49 AM).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2003-11-25 10:51 AM


A pleasure to read for sure. Like Sid, I stumbled at line 3 briefly. At first I wanted to read butt as a noun (silly me). Maybe that's what bothered Sid too. I think his suggestion would prevent this potential problem. In fact, I really like all the suggestions made by both Sid and Essorant. It rarely hurst a poem to trim out some of the unnecessary articles and such.

Nice job. Thanks.
Pete

Katy Rose
Junior Member
since 2003-11-25
Posts 13

4 posted 2003-11-25 07:22 PM


Hi,

your tone seems a little confused towards the beggining but your final lines are wonderfully evocative and wistful.

cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
5 posted 2003-11-25 08:58 PM


Good point by Ess regarding "The."
But, I think you could simply remove them without changing anything else.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » At the Swings

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary