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Critical Analysis #2
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Lawn days
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Lawn days |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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Yawning a mouth out onto the feral lawn, swishing thighs dash into waves of jungle blades to tickle pink lucid childhood, still rugged as my four day stubble. I long to laze in bedded bliss, eyes shut to the world's quest, but There are itches I need to scratch. Outside stagnates a fervour fragrance; an aphrodisiac manhandling nature into frenzy sprouting boys so eager for their acne puberty, every year a riot of passage! Through echoes serene the cancer queen, pygmy tractor, strafes. More jaded rasps as the blades caress in a war of mutilation. Slaps and back drafts of seared harvest leave me coated squirming as a little grass rat in pollen hell. As last stem bows to my charge, my skin sighs languished in phlegmatic victory. The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Um excuse Mr but I thought you had a divorced-muse problem????????? ~looks suspiciously over at Brian's muse - who looks alarmly at home~ This is a damn good poem my friend. Overall impression - vivid imagery that leaves a taste in your mouth..something so close it's tangible - cept occasionally there's so much imagery it's overdone. First I'm going to do the whole stanza by stanza thing... Yawning a mouth out onto the feral lawn, swishing thighs dash into waves of jungle blades to tickle pink lucid childhood, still rugged as my four day stubble. I long to laze in bedded bliss, eyes shut to the world's quest, but There are itches I need to scratch. Loving that first line. I think you should ditch the word 'dash' - it's quite sufficient as 'swishing thighs into waves' don't you think? Both swishing and dash read as verbs in that line..I also think that jungle blades might do well as jungle-blades. It's a bit awkward without the hyphen... I have a problem with the last half of this stanza. I think that the bedded bliss and world's quest lines together are an overkill. And the capital T on There is at odds with the whole stanza, throwing it completely off balance. That said I like the itch image. Outside stagnates a fervour fragrance; an aphrodisiac manhandling nature into frenzy sprouting boys so eager for their acne puberty, every year a riot of passage! Punctuation problems. Don't like the semicolon. They're used to join two whole sentences that have a common theme. An aphrodisiac...riot of passage is a whole sentence, but the first part is not. And the exclamation marks interferes with the tone of the poem, and it sounds boisterous and somehow - enthused. Doesn't fit. I actually think that ending on for their acne puberty would work really well - that's a fantastic, strong line. Through echoes serene the cancer queen, pygmy tractor, strafes. More jaded rasps as the blades caress in a war of mutilation. I like most things about this but I think you need to let go of some of the images to make it tight. The war metaphor is too forced here, cliched even. I would actually drop the rhetoric use and simply have: Through echoes serene the cancer queen, pygmy tractor, strafes. More jaded rasps as the blades caress in mutilation. Not sure about the 'serene' even - it's a bit pat. The rest is great. Slaps and back drafts of seared harvest leave me coated squirming as a little grass rat in pollen hell. As last stem bows to my charge, my skin sighs languished in phlegmatic victory. Squirming - blech. Lol..it just doesn't work. The pollen hell image might be a little overdone. My skin sighs languished - I'm liking that line Bri. Yeah, so keep writing ok? This is a good poem, on a not-much written about topic. Refreshing...enjoyed it.  K |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hiya K, I am having muse problems, at the moment we are fighting over who has custody over the metaphors. This is an old one from the glory days when the ink on my pen was still fresh. now to your comments, "swishing thighs dash into waves" I was going for the "s" sound in the line, trying to get rhymth, but you are right, so out with the eraser. "I long to laze in bedded bliss, eyes shut to the world's quest," trying out rhyme, but you have a point, I guess the second line isn't that strong so I will cut it. As for the second half of stanza one, "ye know me grammar be kinde poore" lol "every year a riot of passage!" I liked the play on the word "riot" instead of "rite" I will muse over cutting that line. I know stanza three and four are kind of weak in comprision, WIth stanza three I was experimenting with rhyming, the war metaphor was inspired by a line from a song "caressing like a constant war" I really like that line, so attempting my own version of the line, loking at it now "as the blades caress" gets the point across, there is really no need for a reference to mutilation. how about: "Through echoes serene the cancer queen, pygmy tractor, strafes. More jaded rasps as the blade's caress" The use of "serene" was to rhyme with "queen," it was also a bit of sarcasm about that damn tractor lawn mower that inspired the stanza. Last verse, yeah it is kind of weak, ok how about "Slaps and back drafts of seared harvest leave me squirming As last stem bows to my charge, in phlegmatic victory my skin sighs languished." "Phlegmatic victory" I like the line, but I was never ahppy with it ending the poem, to cut it or not? much appreciation for the critique. Good to hear from you again.  The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate! |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
1 Peter 1:24 For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, Hi! I read your poem initially was so dazzled by its imagery; You are gifted with a very fertile imagination! I found the issues of mortality and death as represented by the grass [life] and inexorable death [the mowing] and its means [the cancer queen] very convincing as symbols of our mortal demise. How very true that we as mortals very often perceive all this as a war which ultimately we must loose. The man mows his lawn and by doing so experiences spiritual and mental rejuvenation via a sense of control over nature. After all, hasn't nature given him a stubble? Hasn't it deprived him of youth? So now he must be contented with sleep [die]? Never! John 11:12 His disciples replied, "Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better." (Whole Chapter: John 11 In context: John 11:11-13) John 11:13 Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep He mows in defiance of nature's present way of things. This is reminiscent of: "Do not go gently into that good night. Rage! Rage against the dying of the light!" Nice read! God bless! BTW This is my personal perception of your poem's deeper meaning. Of course, you yourself might not have had this in mind. But that is how I experience the poem. [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-01-2002 05:04 PM).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Radrook, firstly thanks for the quotes from the bible, I was not aware of those passages. Secondly "fertile" imagination, lol in light of the poem's plant imagery I found the use of the word "fertile" amusing, whether or not the pun was intended, thank you for the compliment. If anyone asks what is about from now on, I am quoting your interpretation. I was not even aiming that deep. Still I guess that is wonder and power of art and poetry, each person sees something different. OK, comparisons to Dylan Thomas, Now I am a happy man with an inflated ego. Well Thank you for your kind reply and taking the time to read. The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate! |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi Brian! I can see how my use of "fertile" might be taken as a pun. But I really had no punning intentions when I wrote it. God bless! [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-02-2002 01:27 AM).] |
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