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Critical Analysis #2
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wes
New Member
since 2002-08-30
Posts 6
San Clemente, CA

0 posted 2002-08-31 01:43 AM


Circles come like repeated rhymes
But still I'm taking all the time

Now becomes a second ago,
and each present is only future fading.
Loving out loud was never easy,
but any other way is bound for failing.

So if our eyes meet
than now becomes forward and back,
and in that second
we can see each other forever.

© Copyright 2002 Wes Bob Rivers - All Rights Reserved
brian madden
Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374
ireland
1 posted 2002-08-31 05:25 AM


HI Wes, I will get back to this in more detail later but on first few reads,

I think you could edit some of the lines to give the rhymth and rhyming scheme a bit  more punch,

e.g "Loving out loud was never easy,"

sounds better as "loving aloud was never easy"

IN the first line the word "come" doesn't really work, the word is a bit drape,
something like "circles spiral,"
Also in that line you could loss the word
"like"  

so that the line reads:

"Circles come (spiral) as repeated rhymes"


Also it might be interesting if you used
"repeated rhymes" in the poem, it would make the poem a bit more playful.

Third verse second line  
"than now becomes forward and back,"

grammar mistake,
"than" should be "then (now becomes forward and back)"


Enjoyed the read, hope I have been helpful.

The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!

Radrook
Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648

2 posted 2002-08-31 10:24 PM


Hi Wes!

Time and its seemingly inexorable flow toward the future is a very fascinating subject and one not too amenable to poetic expression since it requires that we philosophize and teach while remaining within the acceptable parameters of poetry.

There are various aspects of the poem, such as rhythm, which need to be modified. But before this modification is attempted--the logical coherent development and cogency of this type of poem needs to be given primary attention.

Here are my observations

I understood the poem as giving two descriptions of time:

-- one circular  [Circles come like repeated rhymes]

and

the other linear. [Now becomes a second ago,
and each present is only future fading.]


I found these two images irreconcilable and therefor distracting.

The poem can be strengthened in other ways as well, such as the use of similes, and the addition of assonance and alliteration to give it mood.

But I would suggest getting the "time" concept clarified first.

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