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Critical Analysis #2
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What Mockery is this?
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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What Mockery is this? |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
I hate it. The smell of it, the feel of it; brazenly displayed in autumn leaves felled, drenched in wailing throes an octave lower than my grasp. I've raised unwitting praise to its unsheathed sword, boldly brandished at day-star rise. From the fixed stare of a squirrel squashed; its twitching, mangled parts rapt in awed attention to a symphony unheard, it mocks. Ever present over wine and menus glibly offered from the plunder- burnt, chopped, and sautéed with sworn exactitude, to sate the most discriminating tastes. Each cliff I've seen, each meadow green, is cursed! Cursed! Cursed! Cursed! Death creeps and crawls, and doth forever seems installed within this bane of things. Oh how, Oh how, I hate it! |
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| © Copyright 2002 YeshuJah Ibsen Amadeus Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Yesh. "I hate it. The smell of it, the feel of it; brazenly displayed in autumn leaves felled, drenched in wailing throes an octave lower than my grasp." Good opening, gets the reader thinking as to where this poem is going. Don't know if "drenched" is a completely effective word....unless you are speaking of the other leafs doing the wailing, if this is your image intended, then "drenched" works, but if you want to say the singular leafs are wailing as they fall and die then perhaps find another word. "I've raised unwitting praise to its unsheathed sword, boldly brandished at day-star rise." Good stanza, thought the idea attached to the imagery was strong. "From the fixed stare of a squirrel squashed; its twitching, mangled parts rapt in awed attention to a symphony unheard, it mocks." This is a really good stanza, though it took my a lot of reads to sell me on the pharasing "symphony unheard". "Ever present over wine and menus glibly offered from the plunder- burnt, chopped, and sautéed with sworn exactitude, to sate the most discriminating tastes." This is where, in my opinion the poems weakens. "From the plunder", isn't really needed and the stanza doesn't have any of the impact in both idea and imagery of the other stanzas. Honestly, to me the words and the idea behind it don't match with the rest of the poem. Though not completely off topic it seems to lose the focus in earlier stanzas....seems more like this is a statement about society rather than about being cursed to see death everywhere. "Each cliff I've seen, each meadow green, is cursed! Cursed! Cursed! Cursed!" I usually hate this type of repetition but I think it works well for this poem...at least in this section. These lines had a really nice flow to them as well. "Death creeps and crawls, and doth forever seems installed within this bane of things." The first line of this section has been used about ten zazillion times. "Doth" is about one million years older than any other word in this poem. Just thought I'd point that out in case you were thinking of a revision. Also I don't know how effective "bane" is, perhaps it might be more fitting with a change of wording in "Death creeps and crawls"...cause currently its like you are almost saying the curse of death is everywhere to be found within the misery of things that die...and that is a pretty inane comment. "Oh how, Oh how, I hate it!" The ending seems really trite in comparison to the rest of the poem. I can't help but conjure up Yolsemite Sam(sp?) saying "I hate that rabbit". I think the reader already has gotten the point of your contention towards death and its cruel joke. Also the repetition isn't needed, it doesn't seem to add anything new and seems to be there only as an ode to an archiac style, which doesn't fit the style of this poem. Perhaps end it with the last stanza, though I think the last stanza is kinda weak too. So maybe rewrite the last stanza or think of a new way to end. I think you have a very workable poem and some fantastic ideas, you almost get the reader in the boat but the line snaps near the end. JMO. Thanks for the read, Trevor [This message has been edited by Trevor (08-29-2002 06:42 PM).] |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Beautifully conveyed! Your introduction captivated my attention immediately and the rest of the poem's dramatic mood held me spellbound throughout. In fact, I became so engrossed in the powerful feelings of repugnance toward ever-present death that I truthfully found myself initially unable to detect any area in which improvement might be needed. So I had to practically force myself to seek ways to improve it if in fact improvement were to be found possible. So here are the fruits of my efforts at being helpful. My comments are in brackets. I hate it. The smell of it! The feel of it brazenly displayed in autumn leaves felled, drenched in wailing throes an octave lower than my grasp. [I find "throes" to be incongruous with sound. So I would delete it and use "wailings" alone.] I've raised unwitting praise to its unsheathed sword, boldly brandished at daystar rise. From the fixed stare of a squirrel squashed; its twitching and mangled parts rapt in awed attention, [Here I had a slight difficulty visualizing a squashed squirrel still twitching. You see, once it was portrayed as being squashed--I expected it to be completely lifeless. So I was rather shocked to find that it was still twitching and had difficulty reconciling its squashed state with its ability to twitch. The twitching also goes contrary to the squirrel's fixed immobile stare. As I tried to synthesize this image into one harmonious whole I found myself momentarily losing focus.] to a symphony unheard -- it mocks. Ever present over wine and menus glibly offered from plunder-burnt, chopped, sauteed with sworn exactitude to sate the most discriminating tastes. Each cliff seen, each meadow green is, cursed! Cursed! Cursed! Cursed! Death creeps and crawls, and forever seems installed within this bane of things. [I find the alliterative "creeps and crawls" a bit redundant. Also, I feel that the modifier "seems" weakens the previous powerful assertions toward death by conveying a bit of uncertainty towards it. Perhaps "...and is forever installed...." would be better] Oh how, Oh how, I hate it! [I like how this concluding refrain strongly reinforces your introductory declamatory statement! I enjoyed reading this poem very much my friend! Thanks for sharing and God bless!] [This message has been edited by Radrook (08-29-2002 11:37 PM).] |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Trevor, first thanks for reading and commenting on the poem. I appreciate that. Now to the poem- I agree that 'drenched' in the first verse might not be completely effective. I was attempting to capture the sheer saturation of death present in Autumn as leaves fall even as others are captive onlookers- Glad you liked the second. 'Symphony unheard' came from my observations of the effects 'new' sounds used to have on my now 2 yr daughter; In fact, I remember once when she was about 6 months, putting on a CD with something from Beethoven that starts with a cacophony of crashing sounds without knowing that the volume was way up- the sound first made her start, then stare for a few seconds that seemed a lifetime of raptness; it's hard to aptly describe what I saw in her eyes for those few seconds until she finally went back to doing what she was doing. The stare of a freshly killed animal, especially one killed under traumatic circumstances, seems as fixated as her eyes seemed to me that day. I probably did a bad job of trying to convey that, but that's where that originated. You are right about the next stanza. I wanted it to be a statement. How detached it is from the preceding verses is left for each reader to decide- you obviously do not think it fits. I can deal with that. Have any suggestions? I hate repetitions myself, but the mood of this poem seemed to demand it. I'm pleased you think it works. 'death creeps and crawls...' I think your critique here is right on every point. By this point I was struggling to stay with the images that started me out on this; perhaps I went astray at the statement point. This whole section I will re-work. Thanks again for the in-depth look. |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Radrook, thank you for your kind words; aspiring writers always like it when the mood of a work is conveyed to the reader as well as you indicate it did to you, I am no exception. Whadoyaknow? I forgot what 'incongruous meant- had to look it up. My use of throes here is related to the fact that the 'sound' is not actually heard because it is 'an octave lower than my grasp' Kind of like the 'sound' that emits from the special type of whistle used to summons some dogs; the dogs hear the sound but humans cannot- it being an octave lower, or maybe higher I don't know- that they can grasp. So I felt comfortable using it there, but I can see how it would seem out of place. Perhaps I should use another word, let's see if anyone else feels the same. On the squashed squirrel- I agree with you, this could seem contradictory. What I wanted to show, and obviously didn't, was a squirrel partially squashed. I've seen those and I'm sure you have; the back parts: legs and half up, gets flattened and for a millisecond the other part twitches. As I read it again I think like you perhaps do that this takes away from the image of 'eyes in rapt attention' which is what I really wanted to convey. I'll try to unravel that and present it with a little more clarity. As pointed out in my reply to Trevor by this point: 'creeps and crawls' I'd lost focus, lost what drew me to these lines. Of course it is redundant. I shall have to rework that whole section. The difficulty I think, lies in the perpetuity of death- how does one close this on the same high? I almost feel, on further thought, that one would have to necessarily descend into trite foot stomping in the face of such provocation. Your comment on the use of 'seems' is indicative I think of some of this feeling of uncertain bewilderedness.. but I'm rambling now. hey, thanks for the time you took to read and comment on this. |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi YeshuJah, I believe the previous crits covered many of the areas of my thoughts on your write. However I do have a couple of suggestions also that you might like to consider. I find that the word "hate" doesn't fit in with the style and sound of your poem. Perhaps you would consider going with something like-- loathe or abhor. The 3rd line - perhaps change "brazenly" to brazen and drop "displayed" like so: "brazen, in autumn leaves felled," I am also having problems with the squashed squirrel and your having to explain it as you did in your post indicates that it may be an area to clarify. If we questioned it, then other readers will also. In the 4th stanza perhaps replace the word "taste" with palate. Again, this would pertain to sound and style. It almost demands that that word be used. In stanza 5 I would take out "I've" in the first line. Death creeps and crawls-- this may be a good place for a simili, "creeps and crawls" doesn't do a thing for me. And that is just my opinion, it may work fine for you or others and that's ok too. I am not too crazy about the word "doth"-- it's archaic, I feel that "forever seems installed" would work just fine. Something to think about. Should it read "within the bane of things?" And again the last line and the word "hate" which I mentioned earlier. Other than that I enjoyed the read. caterina |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Yesh, "I agree that 'drenched' in the first verse might not be completely effective. I was attempting to capture the sheer saturation of death present in Autumn as leaves fall even as others are captive onlookers-" Personally I don't think it captures that well, it doesn't seem to connect the reader directly to death but rather seems to be describing the wailing. I don't think such a heavy hand is needed to attach the leaf to death. Maybe consider keeping "drenched" and attaching it to onlooking healthier leafs realizing their eminent fate."drenched in wailing throes/(an octave lower than my grasp)/of still stemmed onlookers/aware of winter's banshee"...I dunno, I'm not saying use this, or use it literally, just wanted to throw out an example of how you might be able to work in drenched, because in my opinion I dont think it conveys what you were going for. "'Symphony unheard' came from my observations of the effects 'new' sounds used to have on my now 2 yr daughter; In fact, I remember once when she was about 6 months, putting on a CD with something from Beethoven that starts with a cacophony of crashing sounds without knowing that the volume was way up- the sound first made her start, then stare for a few seconds that seemed a lifetime of raptness;" Even before the elaboration of the inspiration behind the line I was beginning to like the "symphony" part more and more...and now with the explanation, I like it gets even better. Personally I interpretted the symphony as something beautiful beyond explanation...ie, it was heard, felt and seen by the squirrel but uncomprehensibly beautiful so it stared in awe...so it was heard but at the same time it wasn't. Which is what I think you were explaining with your child's story of Beethoven, (was it the Fifth that was playing?). So I think it was a fairly effective line...or at least it connected this reader accurately to the writer's words. Also I think the twitching/mangled scene works, its a nice contradiction of imagery, "ugly" and "beauty". And technically it is an accurate image, dead animals do twitch quite a bit after they are killed....even when squished by a passing car, I guess even cells and nerves cling so desperately to life. I did get the impression that it looked exactly how you explained it to Radrook so it was effective at least to one reader. I think you should keep it in the poem. But that's just my opinion, ultimately you have to be happy with it. "You are right about the next stanza. I wanted it to be a statement. How detached it is from the preceding verses is left for each reader to decide- you obviously do not think it fits. I can deal with that. Have any suggestions?" Well I'd scrap the whole concept of that stanza. Like I had mentioned it seems to much of a social statement about the thoughtless gluttony of man rather than about the death it brings...but that as you have pointed out, could just be the readers interpretation...maybe its my own guilt of the above being reflected in the poem? Well, my suggestion is, you've already have an imagery of the death of a plant, an animal, and a cliff (which I interpreted as it being a leeping point for people)...so maybe find the death of something else...maybe the death of a salesman...err, has that been used before  Actually, perhaps consider having a stanza about the irony of being born to die, or watching a loved one slip away, or the death of an idea/thought...maybe even the death of death....I dunno, sorry I don't have any better suggestions but I don't think that stanza is effective as is...loses to much focus from the central idea."'death creeps and crawls...' I think your critique here is right on every point. By this point I was struggling to stay with the images that started me out on this; perhaps I went astray at the statement point." I dunno if you went astray, I think you kept with the tone and idea of the poem but I just felt the wording was a little weak in comparison to the rest of the poem and idea behind it. "Thanks again for the in-depth look." No porblemo Yesh, thanks for responding to my critique. Its always interesting to hear the author's viewpoints about their own work. Trevor |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Caterina, thank you for commenting on the verse. I appreciate that. I shall use your take on this and that of the others and attempt a rewrite of the poem. Thank you. |
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