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A Night in the Forest
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Night in the Forest |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Blood moon above the southbound lane, ghosts wander,their sibilant murmurs the breeze, fade into nothing more than a semblance of what once was, to drape and trail from yonder wizened trees. A flash splits the edges of the dismal sky, its vows divulged, then acted on, rain down upon a sea of rolling grass. We lend an ear, at once alert to threatening roars drawing close, for even now heavy gobbets forwarn the glowing ashes of our shelter blaze. Hushed we are, lulled quiet now, in mind and in body, as finally, Nature too, is stilled. [This message has been edited by Romy (08-25-2002 11:13 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Deborah L. Carter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Romy: I played with the line breaks a little bit. I'm not saying that this is particularly good (I don't have as much time as I'd like to devote to the task), but I think some of what I've done may help improve the poem. quote: I think the brokeness of the thoughts you express in your poem were intentional, and I think playing the the line breaks may do well to emphasise some of the words you wish to emphasize ... however, I'm not inside your head, so I can only speculate as to your intent. My crit on the content is that I'm having difficulty understanding how to apply the poem. You are using metaphoric language extensively, but I cannot (yet) put a finger on what it is you are attempting to say. Give a few others a shot at the poem and, if they do no better than I did at understanding your intent, please do tell. Jim |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
The images are captivating! Because they are, I reread the poem several times. But I must agree with Jim. The meaning is unclear and one leaves the poem in a quandary as to its meaning. The Lending-of-an-ear phrase is a cliche'. Perhaps just saying: "We listened" is better in terms of freshness of expression. You might also impriove the poem's descriptive power by making sure that the pronoun references are unmistakable. For example, it is not clear whether the pronoun "its" refers to "flash" or to "sky". [This message has been edited by Radrook (08-25-2002 10:55 PM).] |
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han_tigger Member
since 2002-08-10
Posts 50Thundersley, Essex, Uk |
Blood moon above the southbound lane, ghosts wander,their sibilant murmurs ~ i feel lane should be on the previous line~ the breeze, fade into nothing more than a semblance of what once was, ~i love these last two lines~ to drape and trail from yonder wizened trees. A flash splits the edges of the dismal sky, its vows divulged, then acted on, rain down upon a sea of rolling grass. We lend an ear, at once alert to threatening roars drawing close, for even now heavy gobbets forwarn the glowing ashes of our shelter blaze. Hushed we are, lulled quiet now, in mind and in body, as finally, Nature too, is stilled. ~overall well written~ |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Romy, I too am a little puzzled with your write. Who are these ghosts that wander and further down in the stanza you say-- we lend an ear... would like to have some idea as to who "we" are. Hushed we are ** sounds awkward-- we are hushed would work also. I feel that you need to clarify just a little bit more so the reader is not left feeling puzzled. I've read it several times and I am left wanting more. caterina |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Hi everybody, Thank-you for your helpful imput and suggestions on the poem I've posted here. I wrote this as a challenge in another writers forum. The challenge was to read another members poem and re-write it without using the authors words. The author of the poem I selected, wrote a poem about a stormy night while camping in the woods. I guess the way that I changed it made it more difficult to understand! Here is another version but I don't like it as well. It seems to be "telling" the reader to much. Thanks again for your help, sorry to take so long to respond, I've been away. A blood moon hangs low above the southbound lane, headlights, like ghostly specters, drape and trail from wizened trees. Sibilant murmurs fade in the breeze like nothing more than a semblance of what once was. Suddenly, a flash splits the edges of the dismal sky like a promise revealed then carried out and winds gust, riding full tilt upon a sea of rolling grass. Alert now, we hear the distant roars threaten the last glowing coals of our campfire. As heavy rain falls outside our tent we are lulled quiet, both in mind and body waiting in awe until finally, nature too, is stilled. [This message has been edited by Romy (09-06-2002 10:23 AM).] |
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