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Sonnet to Liz
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Sonnet to Liz |
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The Exile Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52Ontario, Canada 
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You stood by me last night, stunning and pretty. Melted me with such warmth when we first met. Thus I felt my ice was broken by such serenity, And smiles on your face that adorably set. It's in the way you blink those angelical eyes, Makes me wonder what beautous creature you are. And kept my fancy in such delightful surprise, That I have only felt in dreams, from distance far. How time flew, as we walked into the night. My cute clairvoyant charming and clever, With unreally beautiful eyes shining in moonlight. O' how i wished that moment could last forever! Six feet in the air I went, then feel back onto the ground, For the first time I felt, I was not at all that strong. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Alex D. Ni - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Mr. Exile: It is often difficult to offer constructive critique on a poem such as yours that involves very personal and affectionate feelings toward another. In relationships, words and phrases that may come across as trite and cliched to the dispassionate reader, while being received as being anything but cliche to the recipient of a poem of such sincerity in its expression. But you asked in your "Constructive Critiques" message that you want us to "be true" in our critiques so that is what I'll be. The vivid picture evoked by your words in your mind is not evoked in others by the reading of this poem. What was beautiful about her? What did her smile look like? What was "angelic" about her eyes? What was "cute" about her? I don't have even a vague picture in my mind of what this "beautious creature" looks like. I can't see her smile. I don't even know what color her eyes are. As a result, my reading of the poem is not, in my opinion, as satisfying as it could be. You named the feelings, but you didn't describe them. You stated several times that her features are beautiful, but you didn't describe what was beautiful about them. Liz, no doubt, loved the poem if you gave it to her and, hopefully, reciprocated the intensity of feeling that you expressed to her. But because a vivid picture wasn't painted in my mind of this event that was so meaningful to you, I was largely unmoved by it. Sorry if that sounded harsh, but I am trying to "be true". If your aim is to impress the sincerity of your feelings toward this woman, then I would have to say you succeeded. If your aim, however, was to immortalize this woman in verse so that others, years from now, can appreciate her beauty and the impact it had on you, then I would have to say that the poem fell short of the mark. My recommendation would be to clarify the images so the average reader can see a little bit of what you saw. Don't address the beauty directly, but build tension in the poem by framing the poem around her beauty. For example, if her eyes are blue, describe them in a way that brings color to the readers mind and brings to the reader the understanding that these eyes are "angelic" without saying so directly. As far as the structure of the verse is concerned, there are some lapses in meter and rhyme that do not fit cleanly into the conventional definition of a sonnet. Generally, the meter of a sonnet should be iambic ... that is to say that the accent of syllables should move in a regular unstressed/stressed rhythm, ten syllables per line. Just one observation. If you have some specific questions about how you might fix this, I am more than happy to help if I can. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (08-24-2002 01:29 PM).] |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I like your poem. It expresses the thrill one feels when one finds that special person! I will just offer a suggestion to try to help you write sonnets. Sonnets are written in iambic pentameter which can be represented as so. Five unstressed and five stressed beats. ^' ^' ^' ^' ^' Here is an example: ^ ' ^ ' ^ ' ^ ' ^ ' Shall I com-pare you to a sum mer's day? (1) [stressed unstressed] (2) [stressed unstressed] (3) [stressed unstressed] (4) [stressed unstressed] (5) [Stressed unstressed] Very slight deviations are permitted but that general rhythmic scheme is required of a sonnet. Here are some the poem's lines written in iambic pentameter as examples. I felt my ice was melted by your calm You melted me with warmth when we first met. The smiles upon your face adorably set. How time flew by as we walked in the night. You made me fly through air and hit the ground. For once I felt that I was not so strong! Just examples. God bless! BTW Contrary to popular opinion, I never said that I have a big problem with your deviations from the standard sonnet form. I simply assumed that you wished to write in the traditional sonnet form and gave advice accordingly. You can write your poem in free verse, blank verse, quatrains, sinquains, limericks, or whatever other style suits you best. But if it is the traditional Shakespearean sonnet form you wish to use, then fourteen lined iambic pentameter form is how it is done. Of course your poem can be improved in other areas as well--such as metaphorically. But I chose to refrain from giving any further suggestions since one learns a step at a time and too many suggestions can sometimes lead to annoying the author. [This message has been edited by Radrook (08-25-2002 10:07 PM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Exile I’m commenting on this on the presumption that as you’ve posted here you wanted to reach a larger audience than just Liz, or alternatively that you want Liz to have the best possible poetic tribute. So here goes. I don't have a big problem with the fact that you have not adhered strictly to conventional sonnet meter. These days it is very common for poets to give just a cursory nod in that direction and perhaps merely write 14 lines (though even that "rule" is broken). You should however know that you are breaking the rules and break them deliberately and for a reason. And, as Jim has pointed out, in some places your lines read awkwardly. I have a much greater problem with the other areas that Jim identifies, and primarily your use of "abstractions" or words that don't actually convey a clear picture such as "stunning" "pretty" "serenity" "adorably" “angelical” “beauteous”. These show nothing. The type of poetry you are trying to write needs to paint pictures for a reader, other than the fortunate subject of the poem, to become involved. So removing the abstractions and modifiers and cliches and correcting the tense and spelling errors we have: You stood by me last night {Melted me when we first met. I felt my ice was broken} .................. cliche but left in for sense. By your face The way you blinked those eyes, Made me wonder what you are. And kept me surprised, Like I have only felt in dreams How time flew, as we walked into the night. My clairvoyant With eyes Six feet in the air I went, then fell back onto the ground, For the first time I felt, I was not at all that strong. (Incidentally “distance far” stood out as a blatant inversion designed to maintain an end rhyme pattern. End rhyming is not something you should be attempting really until you have mastered the skill of conveying an interesting message in an interesting and, if possible, lyrical way - it simply makes the task more difficult to no good purpose). Having rendered the piece down to its basics the next task is to establish how you are going to hold the reader’s interest. You’ve picked an extremely difficult subject matter in this respect - a love sonnet to a friend effectively saying “you are a great looking gal and your beauty makes me feel weak”. Perhaps the key is in the closure. Maybe you could work with the idea of sheer physical beauty and charisma having the ability to render a physically strong man powerless. This has been done a million times before so perhaps you could then add a twist, say to the effect that, while you felt physically weaker you suddenly realised that her presence was having a curious strengthening effect on your psychological or mental well-being. So that’s the plot. Now all you have to do is find an original way of saying it that will make me want to say - “Yawnnn...another boring old love poem ... Heyyyy ..but wait ... this is different! Heavens I NEVER thought of it like that before - this guy must REALLY be in love with this girl to write like THAT.... and wow, I can SEE her!” Or something like that anyway. Try starting with something like: You stood by me last night while all the world turned away and mine contracted to the centre of your ebony eyes. Immediately you are playing with the idea of the lady “standing by you”. If Tammy W can do it so can you! and then using that as a springboard into something bigger, and the first descriptive section. Forget the sonnet for now is my advice. Good luck. Rob |
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