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Crystal moon
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Crystal moon |
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han_tigger Member
since 2002-08-10
Posts 50Thundersley, Essex, Uk |
Crystal moon. Under the moons eye, Walking in its path, In the shadow of the night. It glistens half crescent, far beyond the trees And shines on every hamlet, dale and valley, Its glow softly fills the night. The stars blink in their cosy caverns, And nestle like birds at dawn. We settle in its crevices, Curled up in the nights blankets, Snug amongst the stars. Glistening like a snow globe, Leaves tumbling down. A globe of bright glistening sequins, moving in the light. The black night glowing with fireflies, Sparkling in the darkness. The moon shining in the dark, A peephole to glimpse through, Like a notch in the ocean, A pinhole in the night. I gaze intrigued, Entangled in its richness, Entranced by its wonders, And enticed by its allure. I feel softly surrounded by its blankets, The blankets of the night. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Hannah Inglis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi han, I think everyone loves the moon and I see that your no exception. I do feel that you could condense this quite a bit and still convey the feelings that you want. Right now, it's really busy, busy and you should think about slimming it down. There are lines that I feel you can take out, for instance line 2,3,5,6,13,14,15,16,17,21,22,23,24 & 25 and I say this because they are just repeating over and over what you have already said or they don't really add anything of value to the poem. Some things that I do like are -stars blink in their cosy caverns and nestle like birds at dawn -a snow globe -a peephole to glimpse through, like a notch in the ocean, a pinhole in the night. You do have some nice things going on in this write, try and shrink it down, you will be surprised what you can say in less words. Hope I helped. These are just my few suggestions, so take what you want han and ignore the rest. Hope you do a revision. caterina |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Han, my first point is that go from talking about two people to focusing on one, “We settle in its crevices,” “I gaze intrigued… I feel softly surrounded by its blankets,” We are not told anything of the other person in the poem, in fact it might be better if you keep it all from a first person perspective. I agree with caterina. You could edit certain sections out, I understand and appreciate the fact that you are trying to paint a picture of landscape. If you established more of a deeper relationship between the characters and the landscape a lengthy description would be justified. There are some really interesting images and play of words here, especially “Snug amongst the stars. Glistening like a snow globe, Leaves tumbling down. A globe of bright glistening sequins, moving in the light. The black night glowing with fireflies,” I think that you have too much repetition in the following lines, “A peephole to glimpse through, Like a notch in the ocean, A pinhole in the night.” Each suggest the same thing, pick the line you feel works the best then axe the rest. Also I felt the last line was a bit weak for the end of the poem, I would suggest removing it and moving the lines “We settle in its crevices, Curled up in the nights blankets Snug amongst the stars.,” to the end in its place. I think you could lose the line, “Glistening like a snow globe”, The lines “Leaves tumbling down. A globe of bright glistening sequins, moving in the light.” are beautiful, some of the best in the poem And the repetition of the words “globe” and “glistening” in the lines “Glistening like a snow globe” and “A globe of bright glistening sequins” weakens the power of the latter image. I would say, axe the line “Glistening like a snow globe”, the line that follows says the same thing much better. Hope I have been of help. The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate! |
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