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A Dream Ago
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Dream Ago |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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A dream ago The grey-washed morning Smoothed soft curves in the half-light. I, stirred from steady breath By a bouquet of rose-kissed hair, Behold the shadowed beauty Veiled in satin clouds That slowly slide away With morning's first stretch – A smile dawns above my broken fast Of exquisite breasts And as first light filters through The rain-splashed window, A moisture cupped flower opens To take in the fullness of a new day. [This message has been edited by jbouder (08-23-2002 06:37 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
EXCELLENT! There is freshness of descriptive language, vibranttly clear non-confusing visual imagery and a rhythm which reinforces mood and meaning. This is a gem! God bless! [This message has been edited by Radrook (08-22-2002 03:34 PM).] |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
WOW-- this is just beautiful. What can I say, I wouldn't change a thing. I can't really pick out a special line that I would consider my favorite... everything just flowed so smoothly. I have to agree-- excellent! caterina |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I have to agree with the others this is a very written poem. Though I have a few questions regarding the last two lines, which read rather like erotic poetry, “flower opens” and “To take in the fullness of a new day.” If this is the intent it seems to contradict the softer tones of the lines before. It threw me a bit, especially fullness, for me the word doesn’t work with mood of the rest of the poem. Other than that a very enjoyable read especially the first part. The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate! |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hiya Jim, "A dream ago The gray-washed morning Smoothed soft curves in the half-light. I, stirred from steady breath" I really like the opening especially "gray-washed morning smoothed soft curves in the half-light". "By a bouquet of rose-kissed hair, Behold the shadowed beauty Veiled in satin clouds That slowly slide away" But then I think the wording here became a little too cliched lessening the impact of this section..."rose-kissed hair", "satin clouds"..."slowly slide away". I don't think its weak by any means and it does paint a lovely, romantic picture, just perhaps, you might be able to think of a more "Jim'ian" way to tell it  "With morning's first stretch – A smile dawns above my broken fast Of exquisite breasts And as first light filters through" I liked "fast of equisite breasts"...but I thought "first light" was perhaps inappropriate considering you had already mentioned that a half-light was coming through...so actually first light had already begun. Perhaps, keep with the imagery of partial shading but also reitterate it so the flower analogy works. "The rain-splashed window, A moisture cupped flower opens To take in the fullness of a new day." The moist flower opening has been done about ten million times, however, I think it works in this particular piece because of the lines before and after it. I liked "fullness of a new day". Good offering, thanks for the read Jim, BTW..isn't gray spelled grey? Take care, Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brian: The poem is about morning sex (or, more accurately ... and regretably ... a dream about it). The intent was to shift from the softer tone to the ... um ... harder tone somewhat abruptly. This struck me as the better way to describe such a rare occurrance. Perhaps my shift was too abrupt. Radrook and Caterina: I appreciate the comments, but they would be more helpful to me if you tell me, more specifically, what worked (and for that matter, what didn't work) for you. But thanks for the kind words and for commenting. Trevor: Thanks for the comments. I will think about what I can do about the "light" lines. Perhaps I didn't draw as clear a distiction between pre-dawn and dawn as I could have. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Jim |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Jim, "Perhaps I didn't draw as clear a distiction between pre-dawn and dawn as I could have." I didn't know it was pre-dawn and dawn...thought it was just a rainy morning and that had cleared up :first..."half-light".. then: "as first light filters though/the rain splashed window". Just thought I'd try and be a bit more clear in case you wanted to know why I stumbled a bit on the image. Thanks, Trevor |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
I'm sorry Jim for not telling you why I liked your write, so I have come back to do so. It was a rush, rush day and I just slipped in to say that I enjoyed before I took off. I have to tell you though that since coming back in on this thread and reading it again, I have noticed certain areas that bother me. I do think you need something to connect line 2 and 3, perhaps " the grey-washed morning began with," a poor example but you do see what I mean though, and the word "smoothed" could be dropped. Smooth/soft-- same thing, no? Don't think you need a comma after I in L4. I like " a bouquet of rose-kissed hair"..nice Not too crazy about "behold" though, sounds out of place, what about just going with " a shadowed beauty" I think that would work fine. "veiled in satin clouds" I like that also-- as it pertains to satin sheets, that's good. I definitely like the way you used line breaks showing the sheets sliding. Super! Nice erotic touch with the last 2 lines and done very nicely. Oh yeah, I noticed also that you start every line with a capital, now you know that's not the in thing. *grin* At least that is what I am told-- but I am sure you already know that. It is a lovely poem and thankyou for sharing. caterina |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Caterina: Thanks for coming back to the poem. I see your point about "Smoothed/soft" ... I'll think about what I can do to eliminate the reduncancy. The "I" is intended to be linked to "Behold", the clause in parentheses was meant to explain why I am awake (in my dream, anyway) to see ... the brush of her hair against my face. That said, I think I agree with you on "Behold" ... but my thesaurus is at work and I don't feel like searching online tonight. But your observation on this point is very helpful. All caps at the beginning of each line ... a habit, I'm afraid. I am starting to experiment with more contemporary writing techniques ... so if you stick around long enough, I'm sure you will eventually see me give the no-caps thing a try someday. Thanks again for taking a closer look and for the kind words. I appreciate it. Jim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yeah Jim, I understand. But while you were away, they have even convinced me to sometimes not start every line with a cap. Oh well, traditions do die hard, particularly among us traditionalists. Pete |
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