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brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

0 posted 2002-08-21 05:04 PM

I am gazing
in vain preoccupation,
peeling back
layer upon layer,
of semblance:
A complex metaphor
shedding engraved scales;
brittle monuments
of collective identity.

Sliced open, blood trickles
across the reflective surface.
the knife is laid to rest. Come, step inside!

One droplet ferments the embryo
"Wake up pretty boy from your sperm coffin,
kick the slumber of In Utero." Then I was,
a scab-kneed worm strangled
in the twisted roots of youth,
sculpted puberty hatching,
fuelled on contraband desire,
a wet dream so close it could kiss.
From the edge of premature rage
the chariot of disgust rode,
torturous wheels stalking my transition.

I am the silent scream
falling upon deafened ears.
Welcome to this strange land
there are mirrors where there
should be stars. Nobody notice
as I cast no shadow upon joy or sorrow.
Iron cast bodies pray for the reflected voice,
for its harsh wisdom. They lurch
injecting venom in a haze,
salvaging dignity.
Then there is me (identity transitory)
alkaline crimson fire and frost
whatever is witnessed is invalidated by chaos.

Omega Alpha terminated.

I am searching the wilds not yet settled.
Shades glimmer and resonate then evaporate.
Embroiled in a web without repose,
nothing has clarity.

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

1 posted 2002-08-22 03:56 AM

Hi Brian,

I have to say that I don't fully understand this poem nor do I get a lot of the metaphors. In my opinion it seems too all over the place...not that abstract is a bad thing its just that its not really my cup'o'tea. I understand its transitions between different stages of existance including what I interpret as reincarnation at the beginning and end. However, what happening amid those transitions is not very clear to me.

"I am gazing
in vain preoccupation,
peeling back
layer upon layer,
of semblance:
A complex metaphor
shedding engraved scales;
brittle monuments
of collective identity."

I don't know if the word "vain" worked for me. My interpretation is this reincarnated person is readying themselves to be born again....would a vain person so eagerly shed their former selves as this character seems to be doing? I dunno, I guess perhaps pride of being reborn or pride of past lives would make someone vain. Just something to think about.

"Sliced open, blood trickles
across the reflective surface.
the knife is laid to rest. Come, step inside!"

Good idea of someone actually stepping inside to be reborn though I would have preferred you describe someone stepping in rather than just say "Come, step inside!"

"One droplet ferments the embryo
"Wake up pretty boy from your sperm coffin,
kick the slumber of In Utero." Then I was,
a scab-kneed worm strangled
in the twisted roots of youth,"

I liked "strangled in the twisted roots of youth", thought that was effective phrasing. However I didn't really like the dialogue in this stanza. Seemed a little too preachy sounding...though I know it wasn't a sermon...I just can't think of a better way to describe it right now.

"sculpted puberty hatching,
fuelled on contraband desire,
a wet dream so close it could kiss.
From the edge of premature rage
the chariot of disgust rode,
torturous wheels stalking my transition."

This is where I found some of the imagery confusing. "a wet dream so close it could kiss.", I'm not sure what this exactly means?

"I am the silent scream
falling upon deafened ears.
Welcome to this strange land
there are mirrors where there
should be stars. Nobody notice
as I cast no shadow upon joy or sorrow.
Iron cast bodies pray for the reflected voice,
for its harsh wisdom. They lurch
injecting venom in a haze,
salvaging dignity.
Then there is me (identity transitory)
alkaline crimson fire and frost
whatever is witnessed is invalidated by chaos."

Now this stanza really threw me off track. Try as I might I can't seem to find a clear meaning to it. The only thing I can think of is that it is an unhappy youth, disturbed by seeing everything he believes in crumble...and that I only derived from "I am a silent scream", "whatever is witnessed is invalidated by choas" and "Omega Alpha terminated". The rest I have trouble understanding.

"I am searching the wilds not yet settled.
Shades glimmer and resonate then evaporate.
Embroiled in a web without repose,
nothing has clarity."

And this seems to be a return to the netherworld and search for yet another life to be.

All in all I have to say that I had too much trouble fully understanding this poem. But that doesn't mean someone right now isn't reading it and going, "it really speaks to me". But in my opinion you should maybe tone down the imagery a bit, it seems to be a bit too eclectic in nature and doesn't let the reader in the poem very easily. Though in a sense it fits the poem because the reader is never at rest and also feels like they're in a transitory state

Thanks for the read, wish I could've been a bit more helpful,

Trevor

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

2 posted 2002-08-24 02:01 PM

Brian:

I like the poem. Generally, I think it concerns the struggle of the speaker to find his identity. The acknowledgement of "vain preoccupation" evokes the picture of the speaker looking in a mirror or thinking, moreso than he thinks he should, about himself.

I think you've done a fine job of describing the futility of willfully "finding oneself". The last line reinforces the theme of the rest of the poem very well and wraps it up nicely. That conciously bringing a clear focus of who we are to ourselves is extremely difficult, considering that we often find our place or our "self" when we are met with circumstances that are not of our own design.

Life has a funny way of clarifying who we are without asking for much of our input.

Thanks for the read. I enjoyed.

Jim

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

3 posted 2002-08-30 06:45 PM

Trevor, thanks for your comments. every piece of insight does help, I know that the poem is kind of disconnected, I was big into cut and paste style when I wrote the poem. It is always tempting to explain the areas that puzzle people, but in the end I think my own thoughts might taint any further critique of the poem. Jim pretty much nailed basic theme of the piece. Thanks for your time and effort.

Jim, Thanks for reading and replying. Glad you enjoyed the piece.

The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!

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