This is a repost of the one that I needed help finding a title for

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Critical Analysis #2

This is a repost of the one that I needed help finding a title for

~Allie~
Junior Member

since 2002-05-23

Posts 13
New York

0 posted 2002-08-20 10:09 PM

Whispers of sad drops cold all over me
lost in a deep empty feeling
I am one star far from its sky
I soar to a stormy sea wild with lies
Tired wind, Breathless waves
A sudden chill swallows my heart
As I surrender to its deep red rain

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

1 posted 2002-08-22 07:02 PM

Hi Allie,

It's so difficult to think of titles, isn't it?  What about -- A Bitter Wind or A chilled Heart-- something along those lines?

Allie, I think the first line needs some work, it doesn't sound right to my ear.  Perhaps something like

Sadness drops like cold whispers over me

and I am not sure if what I have sounds right either but anyway, maybe you could think about it.

I don't think you need the second line.

Line 3 - perhaps "lost like a star far from the sky."

If I'm not mistaken, soar means to fly upward and I think your intention here is to dive downward, yes?

Do you really need line 5, it doesn't seem to jive with the rest of the poem.  Tired, breathless--  yet you have a wild sea.  Give it a thought.

The last 2 lines I kinda played with, take a looksee, hope you don't mind.

my heart is swallowed by a chill
and I surrender to the deep red rain.

Hope I helped a little.

caterina

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