My first poem, id realy appreciate some feedback

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vellamike
New Member

since 2002-08-17

Posts 7

0 posted 2002-08-17 09:46 PM

If love be joy then i love not,
For what i know from her is pain,
All i gave to her,myself,
My sacrafice she took in vain,

Soon When i have found another,
Only then perhaps she'll see,
That though her heart is pained once more,
Unlike before, she wont find me,

what u think?

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

1 posted 2002-08-17 10:46 PM

Very nice poem!
It reminds me of Shakespear's love sonnets!
Those too last lines are especially beautiful!
Thanks for sharing!
God bless!

BTW
This is really your first poem?
You have a lot of latent talent my friend!

God bless!

[This message has been edited by Radrook (08-18-2002 08:43 AM).]

vellamike
New Member

since 2002-08-17

Posts 7

2 posted 2002-08-17 11:37 PM

thanks!

i like your version better than mine

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

3 posted 2002-08-18 05:33 AM

Hello and welcome to CA,

"If love be joy then i love not,
For what i know from her is pain,
All i gave to her,myself,
My sacrafice she took in vain,

Soon When i have found another,
Only then perhaps she'll see,
That though her heart is pained once more,
Unlike before, she wont find me,"

Pretty good offering. Normally I'm not a huge rhyming format fan but you did a good job with this poem. A couple of things to consider. 2nd stanza, 1st line, the meter seems off with "Soon" and "When" together. Also I noticed "i"s not being capitalized and "When" being capt. Any special meaning? If not consider fixing, might detract from the read. Also 2nd stanza, line 3. Consider rewording, you state her heart is pained once more, yet you are the one being constantly hurt...with you're wording it sounds like you keep hurting her by your actions as well as her hurting you. Maybe something like "Though her heart is now the pained", I dunno if it keeps to the meter but its just an example of a suggestion.
Nonetheless I enjoyed the poem, thanks for the read,

Trevor

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2002-08-19 02:37 PM

The meter seemed fine to me, not always consistent but fine anyway. Like Trevor, I didn't like the lower case i's. I don't have a problem with soon and when together but when should not be capitalized.

All-in-all, I like what you have here with just fixing the capitalization suggested.

Thanks,

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

TradingSpaces19
Member

since 2002-08-31

Posts 134
Arvada, Colorado

5 posted 2002-09-01 11:01 PM

That is a very good poem. that really was your first poem? Here's some advice, in that poem you should use capitalization, because I noticed that you used all lower case. You need some punctuation, you used the word won't "wont" when it should be "won't" use the apostrohes; they are your friend. But all in all it is a very good poem.

Kunoichi
Junior Member

since 2002-08-17

Posts 10
US of A

6 posted 2002-09-02 12:08 PM

Ooh, the irony of the poem is rich. I like that a lot. This piece flows very well and I like the theme of self sacrifice for love. Very, very true.

The only things that really bug me at all are the little typos and such. The second stanza is certainly my favorite, but you do need both for the complete feeling. I love a lot. ^_^

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