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hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2002-08-14 02:31 PM

Not a whole lot of change, but maybe it's clarified a bit?

I am happy
whispering I love you
to the snoring silence
a foot or so away

I find it worth
the summer-long delay
of yearning

for your body in repose
unclothed at ten PM

reclining in my bed

a Roman candle
with scattered wrappings
in its stead.

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

1 posted 2002-08-14 03:45 PM

Hi hush,

Don't ya just hate revisions? I do!

Your first stanza seems fine.

The second stanza-- I am wondering if you might consider going with "It's worth" to replace "I find it."

Also, since you have the word "repose" in the 3rd stanza, I don't think you really need "reclining" in that one line, perhaps just go with "in my bed?"

Other than that, I think your revision is great.

caterina

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2002-08-14 04:18 PM

This version does fit better, not so obsure, I think. I'm mixed on Cat's suggestions. I see her point and it does cut down on the wordiness. In many cases I would have to agree but I'm not sure it is too wordy as is. Also it just seems to flow better as you have it worded. But that may just be my tendency toward metered verse, ya know.

Thanks,
Pete

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

3 posted 2002-08-15 09:02 PM

Infinitely better than the first, despite only subtle changes.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

4 posted 2002-08-16 07:20 AM

Hush:

My only crit on the revision is that I think it loses some of the sense of regret that I believe your previous poem conveyed so well (if that, indeed, was what you intended to convey).  I think "I find it worth/the summer long delay" that seems to indicate the writer's contentment, and that is something that I did not detect in the first version.

Again, I am going on the assumption that the writer was trying to convince herself of her satisfaction (the Roman Candle metaphor leads me in this direction).  Perhaps another reference to the snoring sleeper's obliviousness to your thoughts or an allusion to some hope of what would fulfill the writer more at that moment.

I think your poem paints a very interesting picture of the course relationships often take and of the ups and downs of fulfillment in those relationships.

I apologize if I've misread your intent in this poem.  I think you've made certain points much more clear with the revision.  Hope my comments were of some help.

Jim

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

5 posted 2002-08-17 12:05 PM

Thanks everyone, for the comments.

Cat and Pete- I intended for this to be a little more wordy... kind of fleshed out... like, I could lose ten pounds, I sure as hell could stand it, but... I actually don't mind slightly wider thighs and a little more around the belly... this poem could lose 'I find it' and 'repose...' but it's not all that fat to begin with... and I don't necessarily want it to be Calvin Klein modeling material.

Jim- if this version has negated a sense of regret, then I'm glad- read the first line: "I am happy" It's not a tongue-in-cheek sarcasm thing- it really means "I am happy." So I'm glad, then if this version conveys contentment- that was my intent. I don't think the poem indicates any dissatisfaction on the speakers part- the absence of her physical pleasure in this poem doesn't mean that there's a lack thereof... it's just extraneous to the point of the poem. I'm not happy because I was physically please... rather, happy with the knowledge that I was the one to light this particular Roman Candle's fuse. (Hey... could be worse anyway... I mean, he wasn't a firecracker or a bottle rocket, which only last a second or two... and not a sparkler or a smoke bomb, which are pretty but ahve no oomph- to me, Roman Candle has a very powerful connotation- it's the firework my mom never let me play with as a kid, because she considered it too 'hard-core.' Maybe I'm the only one who sees them that way.... but if a man has to be likened to any firework... what better than that?)

I am writing graffiti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried

-Ani DiFranco

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

6 posted 2002-08-19 07:11 AM

Hush:

Sorry I mistook your intent. I can see how being described as a Roman Candle would be complementary ... perhaps only to be topped by a box full of Roman Candles. Much better than being a dud.

Thanks for clearing this up.

Jim

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

7 posted 2002-08-19 05:19 PM

Hi hush,

Yeah, perhaps I was just a little too nit-picky but they were thoughts that popped in my mind at the time and I figured I should let you know so you could mull it over and decide for yourself.

I do get the feeling when reading your write that this lady is where she wants to be, contented and just happy to love this man and have him near.  I definitly did not get any feeling of regret here.

Have you thought up a title yet?  If so, then I think you can call it finished, yes?

take care

caterina

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