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caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

0 posted 2002-08-07 04:13 PM

I would like to be a Red Maple

ninety feet tall,

leaves veined with letters,

waiting in an open field

for a storm of thoughts

and a zap of lightening

with volts of words

surging through my branches

and from that day forward,

a poem on every leaf that falls.

caterina

subterranean boho
New Member

since 2002-08-07

Posts 3

1 posted 2002-08-07 04:23 PM

Caterina - Great poem! The ending was perfect. I can't wait to see more!

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

2 posted 2002-08-07 05:33 PM

Caterina:

I like the originality of this piece, although I found the metaphor of a tree actually wanting to be struck by lightening as a bit unusual.  Although, arguably, it is often a dramatic event in ones life that elicit's the response of a new poet picking up a pen and, in hindsight, those possibly scarring events become part of the make-up of the ultimately stronger poet.

Which is what leads me to think that I might enjoy this piece better if the "lightening" event was portrayed as a past one and the leaves of poetry falling from the lightening scarred tree be written in the present and/or future tenses.

Also, my only gripe about the choice of wording would be in the "storm of .../ zap of .../ volts of ..." lines.  I think they would be enhanced if you did not present the "strong" words in the passive voice ... something like "... thought's summer storm" or "lightening strike".

Just an opinion.  I enjoyed the angle you took.  Thanks for the read.

Jim

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

3 posted 2002-08-08 07:30 AM

Hiya Caterina,

Well, well, well, look who's doing all the revising now

I have to say that honestly I enjoyed the first version more. I thought in this revision you spelled it out to much, ie. "leaves veined with letters", and "for a storm of thoughts", and "with volts of words"

Where as the first version you waited until the last line to sum up the metaphor. What can I say, revisions are no fun

Thanks,

Trevor

beccymelling
Junior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 31
Birmingham, England

4 posted 2002-08-09 08:22 AM

Hi Caterina.

I'm new here, so yours is both the first poem I've read, and responded to.

I loved your idea of comparing yourself the poet with a tree, and the leaves veined with letters, but I have a little problem with the lightening strike of inspiration. A little cliched perhaps?

As has already been said, the idea of a tree waiting for a storm jars slightly, as in your poem it would be the making of the tree, in reality it would be the demise.

A couple of suggestions:

Maybe the tree could be coming out of a barren period, such as winter, where ideas would be scarce, before blossoming onto the page?

Or coming out of summer into autumn with resplendant gilded ideas?

If the storm stays I would say to substitute "zap" as it sounds like a comic book illustration.

Hope I havent discouraged you in any way - I have no intention to offend!

beccy

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

5 posted 2002-08-10 12:15 PM

Nice extended methaphore!

The word "zap"
perhaps should be substituted with the word "strike".

Good poem nevertheless!

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

6 posted 2002-08-12 06:33 PM

Thanks Jim, Trevor, Beccy & Rad,

My mind is totally boggled now *smile* but I am still working on this. Hopefully I can get it together where I want to be.

Revisions are not my strong point.lol

I do appreciate all your responses.

Thankyou,

caterina

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