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Critical Analysis #2
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A Lack Of Sun
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Lack Of Sun |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon 
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There is a lack of sun today painting the sky a gloomy gray. Dark and mysterious I suppose but a sky that soothes the rose, in it's absence of the light that often makes the day too bright. Peaceful thoughts I then embrace for the gray has given place, to rainbow colored thoughts in time which then paint dreams upon my mind. WhiteRose Love Seduces Joy From The Heart |
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| © Copyright 2002 Anne Thompson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Whiterose: Rhyming couplets in a serious poem is difficult to pull off and, in this case, I think the poem would have been better wihtout the rhyme. There is also the danger of allowing the rhyme to control the order of the line and, resultantly, detract from the poem. If you want to read a strong poem with rhyming couplets and of a serious note, I would recommend Blake's "Tyger". My recommendation would be to either alter the rhyme scheme (to make it less obvious) or drop the rhyme altogether and write in either blank or free-verse. As are all things I say, this is merely my opinion. Jim |
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beccymelling Junior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 31Birmingham, England |
Hi WhiteRose I’m new here, so bear with me! Although you succeed with your imagery, as it does paint pictures in my mind, I found the rhymes a little forced. The use of "I suppose" for example weakens the imagery you are trying to put across. A more definite statement would have worked better for me, if you are giving the impression that you aren’t too sure whether it is "dark and mysterious" the element of doubt is placed in my mind whether it is worth mentioning in that context? I'm not trying to be harsh, so please don’t take this the wrong way! Beccy |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
I'm not adverse to criticism or I wouldn't be posting here. I'm just weighing the advice and thinking (takes a long time when you're my age). Then I'll start working on this one. Thank you both for the pointers. :-) |
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