»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Untitled
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Untitled |
|
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I am happy whispering I love you to the snoring silence a foot or so away I find it worth a seven week delay and the deep breath of ten PM is a dream reclining in my bed a Roman candle with scattered wrappings in its stead. --- I thought of "when in Rome" as a title, and realized it is WAY too cheesy... not sure, suggestions would be appreciated though... Who is John Galt? |
||
| © Copyright 2002 hush - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
At first, I tripped over "snoring silence" as it just didn't fit together, sort of an oxymoron, if you will. Then I understood you actually meant "no conversation" so it probably is acceptable. What I finally come away with though is that this is written to a specific person about a specific personal experience. It expresses a nice sentiment but, had I not seen your comment recently about being away or something like that, I would have no real idea what this poem is about. I would suggest elaborating a little, giving more background on why it was written and what it is actually about. Thanks, Pete |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Mmm... I actually think I shouldn't have posted this here. You're right- too personal for me to look at unbiasedly, or to see that it's vague. Thanks for commenting. Who is John Galt? |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
hush, I think Pete was right on the money (sorry for the cliche). I was going to comment on it earlier before he had posted his reply, but I was confused as to what the poem was about. Naturally, I could figure out some of it on my own, but from "a seven week delay" and on, it would be my own interpretation. Pete's advice was sound. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
He there Hush, I have to go with the flow on this one too. Although worded beautifully it might be a little too vague. BTW I really liked the first stanza, kinda jarring how it starts all romantic in the first two lines then turns to snoring. Thanks for the read, Trevor |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
hush: With more background, it certainly would be easier for the interpreter to grasp the meaning of the poem, but where would the fun be in that? I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with my colleagues here. I suppose the success (or failure) of the shot I take will more or less determine who is right. I saw the first line as an attempt for the speaker to convince herself of feelings she may or should have. I found no oxymoron in snoring silence in that the snoring, while it is noise, is not communication and there is obviously little opportunity to connect with someone who is sleeping. The "seven week delay" was puzzling. All that I can think of is that this is indicative of the speaker being pregnant and, at least for the time being, not communicating this to the snoring man next to her. If I am even close to being on target so far, my guess is that the Roman candle, while magnificent for the short time it is alight, isn't terribly impressive when the fires burn out. Again, if I am close, I find the analogy to many stories of life and love very applicable. Even if I am very, very wrong in my interpretation, previous threads in the archives of this forum argue that the application by the reader is often as valid as the original intent of the poet. With that said, I enjoyed the poem very much, didn't think it was too vague to gather meaning from it, and, in a very odd way, "When In Rome" seems to fit nicely as a title. Thanks for the read. Jim |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Okay- it goes against my best judgement to explain a poem- simply because I think if it needs to be explained, well... I didn't do a good enough job in writing it. Personally, I am happy with the first stanza. Jim hit it on the head with 'snoring silence'- also, in addition to the lack of communication, I hoped to convey the sense of a sleeping house- yeah, there are noises, but they are groggy noises that create a sense of silence... Seven week delay- obviously too vague. Reference to an abscence of the object of the poem. Third stanza was an attempt at surreality- the idea that a time (ten PM) can be personified to have deep breath, and it can recline in my bed while I lie next to it, an objective observer to this dream come true... I realize, on the re-read, that this line of logic can be hard to follow the way I wrote it. However, I find myself attached to the phrases I chose, which is why it was probably a mistake to post this her- I'm too attached. Oh well... it's a learning experience. Fourth stanza is a continuation of the third- the 'dream' that is the personification of ten PM is being compared to a Roman candle (chosen for [what I see as] a phallic shape and behavior, as far as fireworks go) that is spent... Summary- veiled references to a night in bed after a seperation, the narrator (in typical female fashion) jotting down post-coital feelings about the object who is (in typical male fashion) snoring in the aftermath. Yeah, it could use a lot of work, and clarification... thanks, everyone who commented... Who is John Galt? |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hush: After reading your explanation, I certainly have a better understanding at where you were trying to take us with this poem. A general dissatisfaction was easy enough to pick up on, but I think the rest, relying heavily on allusion to your own experiences, does make this a little bit difficult for the reader to acertain your intent. I really like the first stanza and I think you could expand on the personification of "ten PM" (capitalization, by the way, would have helped me understand what you were doing with old Mr. Ten PM). I suppose your grammatical choice was a clue ... but I'm one of those Roman Candle types myself so, yer gonna hafta help me out.  I hope you post a revision. There are some strong lines and I hope you decide to try to expand on them. Jim |
||
|
U K Hero Member
since 1999-08-08
Posts 266England |
I found the poem immensely fresh, but it what a little too deep and complicated to totally appreciate. |
||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
God bless your patience! Whenever I snored that way my wife used to just whack me accross the head! LOL! |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Amy, isn't it funny how you decide you shouldn't have posted one and it just won't go away? I bet that means it has a lot more merit than you thought. Now, how about that revision that Jim suggested? Pete |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
