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Restlessness
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Restlessness |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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On a sultry summer evening, she goes out for a coke and a pack of smokes. Errand done, she drives with the window down, air on low, CD player volume on high. She doesn’t want to go home, she wants to keep on driving, cutting head-lights into the night, just as far and as fast as she can go, no destination in mind, she just wants to drive, to find that perfect road that will satisfy her restlessness, and send her back home. "It is wisdom to know others; |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
Okay, I have no critique for this poem. I just really, really like it. I suffer from this malady. The restlessness of a free spirit who always feels caged. This was very well done. And I'm going to try the driving thing, it just might help. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi warmhrt, I enjoyed the read but i had a few problems with it, it is a nice poem, tells a story but it just seems to go from point A to B, it seems too descriptive rather than emotive. The act itself should provide a background for the emotions the dramas rather than the other way around. The most mundane act can be made sound profound if we are given insight to how the person really feels. I hope I have not sounded too harsh or blunt. I did enjoy the read but more insight into the character’s frame of mind would make for a stronger read. A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde [This message has been edited by brian madden (08-01-2002 07:22 PM).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
white Rose, Thanks so much for your kind words. Being a free spirit is often a burden, but I can't imagine living any other way. Thanks, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brian, I'm not sure that I could really explain it much more...(this person is me). I get these times when driving home, that I just want to keep on driving. It feels good...that's all, and that's all I want to do. That was the inspiration for the poem...nothing deep there, except the sense of restlessness...or perhaps wanderlust would be a better word. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like the style you wrote this in. 'On a sultry summer evening, she goes out for a coke and a pack of smokes. Errand done,' I think this is really cool wordplay- I like how you arranged the soft and hard consonants, and the suggestion of rhyme- it gives the impression of a woman on a mission in the cotton-soft air of August dog-days. 'she drives with the window down, air on low, CD player volume on high.' I don't quite think this lived up to the way you mixed jaunty and soft in the last few lines. (I do like that she's got the window down with the air on though- I do that all the time! It's really a very introspective thing in a very low-key sense- she's not the "What the hell are you tryin' to do, cool off the whole world??" type- she's mellow...) I think what really hurt these lines though was "CD play volume." Is it really necessary for us to know that it's a CD player? I think "stereo" would work better- it's more concise, and works in some rhyme with 'low' from the line before. 'She doesn’t want to go home, she wants to keep on driving,' I think that these two lines could use somrthing more... like 'she doesn't want to go home (to... lazy husband, screaming kids, a lonely TV dinner- something...)' along the lines of what brian was saying... a little backdrop- I don't think a lot of background info is necessary in this piece, but added here, it could spice up a couple of slower lines... 'cutting head-lights into the night, just as far and as fast as she can go, no destination in mind, she just wants to drive,' I think this section might work better with one tiny adjustment- a period instead of a comma after 'go.' I think the next two lines stand fine without the support form the previous ones, and all the commas had me slipping into a run-on reading mode. 'to find that perfect road that will satisfy her restlessness, and send her back home.' I like this... I think that maybe if you added something about what she's not going home to, or what makes home home, or whatever, earlier in the poem, you could reinforce that idea here- like why would she be willing to return that that now? Although, since the end is speculative, that might be difficult to pull off... maybe I'm trying to push too much into this, after all, you intended it to be a poem about this feeling, not what may or may not have caused it... ah, well, I did like the poem... hope I've helped. Who is John Galt? |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hush, Thanks so much...you have some really good suggestions, and did such a thorough critique. I sincerely appreciate it. I will keep all of your advice in mind. I must, however, again punctuate the fact that it is the lure of the drive itself...not escaping or not wanting to go home...just the love of driving. Especially at night, as the roads are more open, and that is just when it seems to hit me. Also I know I can't drive forever, so I do want to come home. Hope that clears things up for those who have never been struck by this strange phenomenon. Thanks again, hush. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
I know this feeling warmht, and this write appeals to me. I do have some thoughts on this but will have to get back to you later, company for dinner so I am in between salad and potatoes. Just wanted you to know that I liked and will be back. caterina |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Ok, I'm back. Lets take a stab at this and see what we come up with. As I said earlier, I like the feel of this, don't know how much help I will be though.lol On a sultry summer evening she goes out >> Here, I am thinking that "goes" is just not the right word, the word "slips" comes to my mind... she slips out... as in escapes for an hour or so? Errand done, >> do you really need this line? for a coke and a pack of smokes >> for some reason I wanted to read "a can of coke," it does give you a bit of alliteration. I also preferred "cigarettes" to the word "smokes," but that is just me, you may feel differently. she drives with the window down, air on low, CD player volume on high. >> perhaps a title of a song, one that you would specifically put in the CD player that goes with the mood your in. I usually play whatever music fits my mood, so that might be a consideration here. She doesn't want to go home, she wants to keep on driving, >> with these 2 lines, you are telling us too much, I think your going to have to find an image like "she wants to race to the horizon, that long straight line with no end in sight" and that is rough, I just wanted to show you where my train of thought is going here. cutting head-lights into the night, >> I like this line. just as far and as fast as she can go, >> for me, I don't feel this line is needed, but your decision. no destination in mind, she just wants to drive, >> I would drop "in mind and she just wants to drive" because we have that understanding, I think, from the previous stanzas. to find that perfect road >> if you should decide to drop "in mind" and that line after it, then I would drop "to" and in its stead put "but to find that perfect road" and the last 3 lines seem fine. Perhaps the title could be "Restless" or since you have restlessness already in the poem, another title that would convey the same feeling? That's it, you might find something in there that appeals to you, hope so. caterina |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
caterina, Thank you so much for all the suggestions. They and all the others will come in handy during revisions....and we poet-types are continually revising, re-writing, just trying to make it better. Thanks again  Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Nice poem. Really describes how most of feel at times when stifling circumstances cage us in and our inner person wishes to soar. |
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