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Critical Analysis #2
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brian madden
Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374
ireland

0 posted 2002-08-01 02:18 PM



Something written a few months ago, a love poem that lost its life and was never completed. Anty suggestions on it would be very appreciated. Thanks.
======================================

I sit, eyes gazing
out my wintered glass
highway headlights
play shooting stars
lost to never ending space.
Curtains close.
Electric light quenched,
in folds of my bed
a restless nerve burns only for you.
The spark of enthral,
and its chaotic hum
all surrender
to your love line.
Beneath the moonlight
your lips glisten.
When dawn finally arrives
You will uncover
me, a child, sheathed
beneath the rain of
magnolias, azaleas, and angels
tumbling to your cordial thighs.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde

© Copyright 2002 brian madden - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
1 posted 2002-08-01 02:53 PM



Brian, I'll leave the others to critique...I simply want to say...Welcome Home!  You've been gone far too long!

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

2 posted 2002-08-01 08:47 PM


Well look who finally showed...I'd given up on you...remember me???

I see some classic Brian poetry here...and some different things as well, but since I havent read your work in a while, you may have changed your "style" ...
but in the spirit of how we used to do this for each other..may I offer these thoughts..
I think the beginning needed tightening up some so I took out some of the overused words...we know we see with our eyes...so do we need the word?


I sit gazing
out wintered glass,
highway headlights
play shooting stars
lost to never ending space.

( cool & unique imagery with the head/lights and stars analogy)

Curtains close,
light quenched.

I took out the "electric" ... it seemed out of place and harsh with the ethereal mood of the rest of this poem)

In folds of my bed
a restless nerve burns only for you.
The spark of enthral,
its chaotic hum
all surrender
to your love line.


(very cool, sensual and intense)
(restless nerve, spark of enthral,chaotic hum,surrender)these words worked perfectly created the intensity. I took out the "and" before chaotic.



Beneath the moonlight
your lips glisten.

A little cliche but I like the imagery, maybe keep the moon but find another word or image for glisten? or add to this thought so that glisten isnt the last word? This poem has room for more.

When dawn finally arrives
You will uncover
me, a child, sheathed
beneath the rain of

magnolias, azaleas, and angels
tumbling to your cordial thighs.

more very cool choices of imagery and emote..I love the " uncovered child, sheathed beneath the rain" idea..thats unique and very cool...
but Bri those "angels" gotta go...waaay to cliche for your calibur of poetry...the mags and the azals work but the angels stick out...cherubs maybe? but maybe instead another floral/Eden reference?

"Cordial thighs" .... awesome.


Good to read you again, love your sig line

Tell me we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
Ill be captivated, Ill hang from your lips
Instead of the heartache from above

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
3 posted 2002-08-01 10:43 PM


I absolutely love this. Really, really beautiful and sensual.

I was a little confused at the point where sitting in a car (inference based on imagery) becomes lying in bed (once again, inference based on imagery.) Curtains close doesn't give me enough information to peice it together...

'The spark of enthral,
and its chaotic hum
all surrender
to your love line.'

You only mention two things that surrender here... so you should either say "both surrender" or add more examples.

My only nits- great writing, especially with the imagery- and BTW, I think angels work here. The sound of the word and the image it conjures complements this... hope I've helped.

Who is John Galt?

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

4 posted 2002-08-02 12:13 PM


Hi  Brian,

It's been a long time...

Nice poem. I really liked it up until the l
last five lines. They just did not gel with the rest of the poem somehow, but I think you could make them work.

"You will uncover
me, a child, sheathed
beneath the rain of
magnolias, azaleas, and angels
tumbling to your cordial thighs"

First I would get rid of "a child", and, instead of "tumbling", I would replace it with, "that have tumbled"...

you will uncover me,
sheathed beneath the rain of
magnolias, azaleas and angels
that have tumbled to your
cordial thighs.

Just some suggestions that I hope may help you.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

5 posted 2002-08-02 12:45 PM


its very interesting to see the different reads on this...and what works for one, doesnt for another...again raising the "suggestive" issue.

Now I didnt take the first part as sitting in a car? I took it to be that hes sitting in his bedroom looking out the window at car headlights passing on the road?

As for the angels...perhaps I read too much poetry..(thats a given)
but certain images and metaphors are over used...angels, rainbows, etc.
but also certain things may have a specific meaning to the poet and perhaps the person he is writing for and we wish to use it regardless of leaning towards "cliche'"

To each his own me thinks



brian madden
Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374
ireland
6 posted 2002-08-02 01:59 PM


Thank Karilea, it has been too long.


Jan..hmm.... Jan nope doesn't ring a bell... heh Eve, how could I forget you, i have just been very e-mail lazy. New style don’t know about that, could be cos I haven’t written in a while,
You may have a point with the “eyes” thing, it just seems to add to the mood at the time of writing, to act as a pause slowing down the flow of the poem.
Personally I think the word “electric” light fits, especially with the first few lines, the ethereal mood of the rest of the poem is an internal reaction, a feeling joy even though the surrounding are cold and harsh.  That was my thinking at the time.
Yeah “glisten” is kind of cliché but heh it’s a love poem lol, seriously, you have point. I think angels works rhythmically with “magnolias, azaleas, and angels” the whole line is a cliché, flowers and angels.


WOW thanks Hush, I find it so hard to write heart on sleeve stuff, misery I could write in my sleep
So your reply really means a lot.
Yeah I know I did not really clear up the bedroom/ outside divide, in my defence, firstly I am not great at setting up scenes been descriptive in terms of location etc…. secondly to me it was all part of one world, like I was sharing the view from the motorists point of view and the from a window POV.
I had not even noticed the mistake with
“all surrender
to your love line.”
Hush, your input was greatly appreciated.
Thanks.


Hi Kris,
Yes you are right about the last five lines, I thought about using them as a second verse, that was one of the reasons for the “when dawn finally arrives” to mark a change of mood in the poem, I could  have brought the change in with a bit more subtlety.

The word “a child” refers to part of the relationship upon which this poem is based, besides I like the contrast between the sensual images and the word “child” it twists the perception of these images.  
As for “tumbling” I think it is more effective when read a loud, also to use “that have tumbled to your
cordial thighs”
Kris, your suggestions have been really helpful.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
7 posted 2002-08-02 02:46 PM


Hi Brian,


"I sit, eyes gazing
out my wintered glass
highway headlights
play shooting stars
lost to never ending space."

I too really liked the beginning of the poem. But personally I would have liked to see the opening dragged out a bit more, dunno if it needs it or just because I liked it, perhaps a descrip. of what is going on in this person's head as he drives?

"Curtains close.
Electric light quenched,
in folds of my bed
a restless nerve burns only for you."

I agree with what has been said about the transition of highway to bedway. Seemed a little to sudden.

"The spark of enthral,
and its chaotic hum
all surrender
to your love line."

Consider chopping "all" in line 3. Maybe drop "of" in line 1 while switching "spark" and "enthral" around...The enthral spark? I dunno, might throw the flow off.

"Beneath the moonlight
your lips glisten."

It's been said already but it is cliched but hey, like you said, it is a love poem

"When dawn finally arrives"

This line just seemed a little flat in comparison to the rest of the poem.

"You will uncover
me, a child, sheathed
beneath the rain of
magnolias, azaleas, and angels"

I really like the idea behind this and the wording up until, you guessed it, "angels". I liked Janet's suggestion of keeping it in tune with a flower reference...but not "cherubs" please dear Lord, not "cherubs"

"tumbling to your cordial thighs."

Loved the last line, thought it was a terrific way to end it.

Well thanks for the read. I probably didn't help much, just echoed what has already been stated, but do you know what? Tough beans Thanks, enjoyed the read.

Trevor

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
8 posted 2002-08-03 01:37 PM


There were a lot of responses to this one that I just skimmed, so if I'm repeating something, sorry.  I wanted to emphasize the importance of keeping clear of cliches (as already pointed out); they merely weaken the unique imagery of the rest of this piece.  I would suggest dropping "I sit, eyes gazing"
"lost to never ending space" "curtains close" and "Beneath the moonlight
your lips glisten" for the sake of conciseness and weeding out the cliches.  


Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

[This message has been edited by Kirk T Walker (08-03-2002 06:39 PM).]

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