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A Forever Child
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Forever Child |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon 
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As the trees throw their shadow across the yard in the back with the moon illuminating the antics of the neighbors cat, I feel a sudden chill as the sky opens wide sending tiny flakes of snow on the cat, who now hides. I'm transported back in time when as a child I was free no worry, no decisions just a child happily catching snowflakes in the dark playing games with the moon then a tragic thought intrudes, I became a woman much too soon. Denied the time to mature forced by circumstance to grow beyond the mind's ability to teach this little girl to cope. I'm now left a captured child a woman only physically who mourns the loss of the chance to be whole and complete. WhiteRose |
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| © Copyright 2002 Anne Thompson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi whte rose, "As the trees throw their shadow across the yard in the back" Consider omiting or changing "in the back", just seemed a little clunky or awkward. Also the first "the" might not be needed. "with the moon illuminating the antics of the neighbors cat," Alright lines as is, however, "moon illuminating" seems cliched, maybe consider digging for another metaphor. "I feel a sudden chill as the sky opens wide sending tiny flakes of snow on the cat, who now hides." Personally I didn't think the metaphor used to describe the sky was effective. The sky seems more to close in when it gently snows, or in hard snow, rips open...or maybe I'm the one screaming at the coop, "The sky is falling!"  Also, perhaps "sending" might not be enough of a word to describe snowfall, even if it is soft and gentle. One suggestion:"I feel the chill as the sky sows winter's seasoning on the cat, who now hides" Just meant as an example, hope you don't mind me playing with your words. Well too late if ya do "I'm transported back in time when as a child I was free" Consider dropping the first line because the time frame is apparent in the second line. "no worry, no decisions just a child happily catching snowflakes in the dark playing games with the moon" Consider changing "child" and "moon" to something else, seems like a noticeable repetition of words. "then a tragic thought intrudes, I became a woman much too soon." At first I didn't like the vagueness of this statement but it grew on me and I think it works in the same way Hitchcock didn't always show the.... "Denied the time to mature forced by circumstance to grow beyond the mind's ability to teach this little girl to cope. I'm now left a captured child a woman only physically who mourns the loss of the chance to be whole and complete." As a whole I liked this stanza for its idea. However I think it needs a little more "flair" and a little less repetition of thought in order to be really effective. ie, "I'm now left a captured child a woman only physically" The first sentence says it all and it seemed the second does nothing to expand on the ideas presented or give us any new visuals. Anyways, I liked the format and the idea of a woman taken to her past by the sight of snow...and the metaphor with the hiding cat was a really good touch. Thanks for the read, Trevor |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I think you have a good start here. It does seem a little wordy or maybe prosey. I would suggest trimming out some of the words that don't really contribute. Trevor suggested that to some extent above but I would do even more. I know that's not very helpful without examples but that's the best I can come up with today. Thanks, Pete |
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