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Critical Analysis #2
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Faith
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Faith |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon 
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I think I wanted faith. Something that would not fail coming from within myself. I thought it might keep me warm. Had I known that on the outside of the wall there was warmth within your arms, I might have chosen differently. But those who imprisoned me left no windows for me, and alone in the dark with only my faith, I stumbled and fell and now no warmth is offered as I lay prostrate in the deep. WhiteRose [This message has been edited by WhiteRose (07-31-2002 09:53 AM).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
White Rose, you have a very interesting idea but some of the lines here lack punch, I think the poem could be edited down to give it a bit more drama. “I think I wanted faith” I don’t like the repetition of the word “I” For example “maybe, I yearned for an internal (conveys the line “coming from within myself.” In one word) Faith (the word faith can be over used in poetry much like the word love or hate, maybe the word “creed” instead (maybe use a metaphor instead of the line “Something that would not fail” for example: As ardent as a boulder ( I was going for the image in the bible where God is described as being like a boulder. Ok it is late my brain is not sharp at creating images at the moment. What follows is good, it is a crucial part of the poem and I think you should expand on the images, really show use us the loss and heart ache of the prison. “Had I known that on the outside of the wall there was warmth within your arms, I might have chosen differently. But those who imprisoned me” I am unsure of the reference to “faith” here, the poem seems to be about the search for faith, the reference here contradicts the first line, which hints at the lack of faith or the search for faith. Stumbled and fell are very similar words, you might want to only use one of them. Finally the word “prostrate” seems rather clinical, even a simple word like “defeated” can work when placed with rich images. I hope that I have not been too harsh or overtly critical, if so I apologise in advance. I hope I have managed to be some help. A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
You have been a great deal of help and I appreciate the time you took to read this poem and comment on it. I will take your suggestions to heart and work on improving this one. Thank you. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
White Rose, Brian did an excellent jo of critiquing and advising you on this poem, and I would not attempt to add anything more. I will say that I think you have a very good idea going here, and I could feel the emotions through your words. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like "I think I wanted faith." It has punch... a conversational vigor that I think the rest of the poem lacks. In my opinion, I think you should go over this- some poems sound better with shorter, sharper words, and a confessional wording... sorry I don't have more to add, hope I've helped. Who is John Galt? |
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