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Critical Analysis #2
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The Kiss, yep you guessed it #4
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Kiss, yep you guessed it #4 |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Beneath the pine's crowning height and gracious sunlight, on leaves, needles and nervous sides, I stole a kiss. To keep and answer future whys, I remember love. Be and I'll be smitten 'til a day after death, when I find reason to discard first moments best filed as, what I'd like all my days to be. I will remember, hands kept warm in hands, more fitting than a glove and never lose that which was worth stealing. I dunno, perhaps I should let this poem rest a bit so I can get a fresh perspective on it. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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BigBlueLu New Member
since 2002-07-23
Posts 5 |
like an intersting ping pong game in the cold |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like the second version, still. This poem kind of wilts with all the line breaks- it's a flowing sort of poem... and you (IMO) already had too much punctuation to cause halts... now you're adding the line breaks on top of it? I say go back to version 2- sometimes, the more we work with something, the more jumbled it gets, and the harder it is to see it in perspective... or maybe I'm just saying that because I liked the earlier version more... lol... hope I've helped. Who is John Galt? |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Is this to be my White Whale?  Big Blue Lu, definetly, without any gloves too. Thank you both for your input. Trevor |
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