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Critical Analysis #2
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The Relationship
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Relationship |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
The Relationship We Meet We Like We Love We Cheat We Hurt We Lie We Fight We Cry We Hate We Part We Lone We Die ©, 2001 Originally Yours, |
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| © Copyright 2002 The Napkin Writer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I would suggest dropping all the repetitive "we"s and maybe changing the title to We. Also I would drop the line "We lone" and consider a less finite conclusion such as "we try again" or "repeat". Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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R. Dean Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37Illinois--USA |
Anaphora can be an effective device, but this is really boring. Try as I might, and wish as I may to be charitable, I cannot see how this could be called a poem. There is nothing to challenge or interest the reader, a complete absence of any other poetic device, nothing of beauty, meter, alliteration, metaphor, or imagery. No, there is nothing particularly "bad" about it...it just is not a poem. Yours in peace, |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
Interesting, thanks |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
To tell you the truth, I don’t believe you would know a good piece of poetry if it jumped up and bit you, you know where! We Meet You ever met anyone, duh! We Like Did you like that person? We Love Did you learn to love that person? We Cheat Ever cheated anyone, or have someone cheated on you? We Hurt Did it hurt? We Lie You ever get lied to? We Fight Did you fight? We Cry You didn’t cry, did you? We Hate Did they hate you? We Part Eventually they left, I wonder why! We Lone Were you lonely when they left? We Die Did you die inside? It is repetitive, life is repetitive, relationships are repetitive, history do indeed repeat itself! To tell you the truth, I wonder what does it really profit some one to know all the right words, and not have the “common sense” to use them! As for these other words you used; poetic device beauty meter alliteration metaphor imagery I think since you can insult, better than criticize, you tell everyone the meaning of these words, so that we are sure you have the right to insult someone. You can go look them up if you want |
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Toad Member
since 2002-06-16
Posts 161 |
I’d have to agree with R. Dean, at least in part, I found your explanatory line by line notes far more interesting than the original lines. Perhaps, at least in this case less is less and more may be better. Your interjections: quote: Maybe expansion is the way to go. Thanks for the chance to read and reply. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Napkin, I too have to agree with R. Dean on this one, though I thought he could have been a little more constructive with his response. Not because of his bluntness and honesty, I can appreciate and respect that, but because he offered no "real" advice or help, only citicism....which, if you read without emotion, can also be helpful. Also regarding the point that your poem is not poetry, it is poetry, just not good poetry by most standards. We all have poems like this, I'm sure even Mr. Dean has some buried in his backyard that he has forgotten or hopes to forget. The point is to learn from it. If you are writing for yourself than the poem is fine, you understand it and interpret it to how you felt when you wrote it. However, from a reader's perspective, you took us nowhere nor did you tell us anything new. There was no real personalization of the words, and that's where descriptions come into play. Expand on the idea in order to draw the reader into your world, I mean why should a reader be interested in your work if it doesn't inspire them to dream beyond themselves. I think TOAD made an excellent illustration of how expansion can "thicken" a poem from soup to a stew, so to speak. If you are going to show your work, and I honestly hope you continue to, then you must be ready to face the fact that some people will not like nor appreciate your work all the time. They'll be times when people will outright hate it. Its hardly fair to show your work, ask for responses and only want to hear praise. But that's what makes the, "honest", good comments so delicious, because to get there you have eat a lot of turds. Personally for me, I start to worry when I only hear positive responses, I begin to think that maybe some are BS'ing me or haven't taken the time to read my poem. The trick is not to take it so hard, R. Dean not liking your work is far from the end of the world and far from the end of you writing. You gotta keep it in perspective, the big picture is you are a novice writer, no shame in that, we all are, otherwise we'd be busy getting our latest manuscript completed rather than posting our work on the internet and fumbling about like a dime store Lawrence. Its a fickle business you've decided to enter, no matter the level you are at there seems to be a lot of egos surrounding very little talent. So please don't get discouraged or upset about comments regarding your work. It takes a looong time for most to really develop as a writer. Most never really get their stride but we all continue because we enjoy expressing ourselves. Use the comments, whether negative or positive, to build upon the information you already know. Knowledge is the key to this game, read as much as you can. Learn about the craft that you intend to practise. Study it, digest it, own it, then of course, like all things of this nature, forget what you've learned and build it the way you want. You can then break all the "rules" because you own the "rules", the "rules" work for you instead of against you. Now yes, this is just my opinion as well and you may say, what does Trevor know, his poetry isn't so hot, he posts here like the rest of us. And you'd be absolutely right in your comments. However I believe that what I've said to be true and that is what I'm striving to do, though it may take me two lifetimes to achieve. But apply my prior comments to all areas of life, all occupations, all games, all hobbies, all interests....now look at the "best" in all those fields and ask yourself, am I lying? Anyways, my comments are meant to encourage you to continue to improve on your poetry and not insult or belittle your efforts or achievements. I'd hate to see someone get frustrated at criticisms and quit writing out of anger or frustration. Everyone I know who has written extensively in the past but quit for one reason or another, all say that they regret stopping. Anyways, enough of my long winded rant. I'm sure you got the point I was trying to make about half a page ago and you are all probably tired of my self indulgent lecture. So I hope ya keep posting and plugging away, Trevor |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
NW, As Trevor said, Dean's criticism may not have been very helpful and certainly was a little blunt, but your response, quote: is pretty close to criticism of the writer (in this case R. Dean) rather than his coments. As you should know by now, that is strictly forbidden by the guidelines. And Dean, Are you really qualified to determine what is and what is not a poem? I suggest that it would be more productive to explain what you like or do not like and why rather than just declare it not a poem. Let's all get hold of our emotions and keep this discussion on a civil level. There is a lot to be learned, not only on this poem, but on most of what is presented in this forum. But we have to be willing to learn from the discussions without getting overly emotional. Thanks, Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (08-01-2002 10:03 AM).] |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi, You know what, I like what Walker said. Make the title "WE" and then your series of heartfelt emotions. I mean, e.e. cummings wrote some way-out poetry and he's not doing too bad, is he? I think the fact that it is all abstract is creating the problem with some readers. There are times when a person just wants to lay it on the line the way it is... this could be just one of those situations, yes? Whether you want to expand on this poem or not is up to you as the poet, just wanted to let you know that the thoughts and feelings came through. Try not to dwell on the negative words of others, take the good responses and work from there, it's hard, I know. I forget to follow my own advice sometimes and ignore it... getting way too upset-- once I give myself a pep talk, I feel better. Keep writing. caterina |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like toad's suggestions. Napkin Writer- I definitely think that this would be more interesting if your personalized it... the first line for example: 'We Meet' Who meets? Where? Are they lovers, brothers, friends? There are a million questions in this one line- these two words could be a million poems... and to me, that kind of ambiguity doesn't catch my interest, in a poem. Don't be afraid that the personal details of whatever made you write this will bore the reader- we want to hear... and if it's too close to home? That's okay... make something up- I do it all the time. Hope I've helped. Who is John Galt? |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I think the point everyone is making is elaborate these "we meet" lines could be used to set the scene. for example: "we meet in a liliac park, summer wind dancing in your hair.. etc.... then next verse, chartering the path of the relationship up to the breakup. Nobody has any problems with minimalistic poetry but while still being short they manage to be a point across that is both entertaining to read and powerful. A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde |
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