navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » The Kiss...third version
Critical Analysis #2
Post A Reply Post New Topic The Kiss...third version Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada

0 posted 2002-07-30 12:54 PM


Yeah I know its a little redundant but.....
And thanks to all who have helped me rework this poem. I really appreciate all the constructive input you have given me. Especially all the line break help.


Beneath the pines
and what gracious sunlight
crowning heights allow,
on leaves, needles
and nervous sides.

I stole a kiss,
from what her father
would not permit.

To keep
and answer future whys.
I remember love.

Be and I'll be smitten
'til a day after death,
when I find reason to discard
moments best filed as,
better than I've had since,
or what I'd like my days to be.

I will remember,
hands kept warm in hands,
more fitting than a glove
and never lose that
which was worth stealing.

© Copyright 2002 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved
R. Dean
Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37
Illinois--USA
1 posted 2002-07-30 01:47 PM


Beneath the pines
and what gracious sunlight
[non sequitur here]
crowning heights allow,
on leaves, needles
and nervous sides.

I stole a kiss,
from what her father
[this doesn't really make sense--you can't steal a kiss from an action]
would not permit.

To keep
and answer future whys.
[not a sentence]
I remember love.

Be and I'll be smitten
'til a day after death,
when I find reason to discard
moments best filed as,
better than I've had since,
or what I'd like my days to be.
[again, from a sense standpoint, as well as a grammatical one, the reader is left in the dark]
I will remember,
hands kept warm in hands,
more fitting than a glove
and never lose that
which was worth stealing.
[as a summation, this leaves me cold...you need some kind of kicker here, to make the poem effective]

Yours in peace,

Dean

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
2 posted 2002-07-30 02:07 PM


There were parts where the poetic phrasing caused the concrete images to become a little slippery, but I liked the overall sound and style.  Great imagery.  I enjoyed this one a lot.  

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


caterina
Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188
Canada
3 posted 2002-07-30 03:17 PM


Hi Trevor,

I really like what you've done here, quite a change from the first draft.  Line breaks really made a difference both in flow and clarity.  I noticed that Dean pointed out the fact that you can't kiss an action and so another suggestion. *sigh*  Would you consider dropping the lines "from what her father would not permit" and go with

I stole a kiss to keep
and answer future whys.
I remember love.

That would also take care of another one of Dean's issues--  an incomplete sentence.  

I have no problem with the ending, I think it ties in well with that stolen kiss.  Overall, it's a great revision.

caterina

  

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
4 posted 2002-07-30 04:58 PM


Hello,

R. Dean,

Thanks for your input, you pointed out a few rough areas that was overlooked. I hope you will do me the service of looking at a fourth version if I post one.

Kirk,

Thanks for your comments, I agree with the imagry thing.

Caterina,

Well I guess its back to the drawing board on this one I like your suggestion for combining the two ideas, but then it takes away from the original idea about two innocent kids sneaking into the woods and having their first kiss. Thanks again for all your help on this poem.

Trevor

The Napkin Writer
Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70

5 posted 2002-07-30 05:09 PM


Interesting piece Trevor, I didn't read the first two, but this one is interesting.
Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » The Kiss...third version

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary