The Soft, Seductive Whispers (re-write)

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WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

0 posted 2002-07-27 10:28 PM

The soft seductive whispers
of summer in the forest
breeze by my window
in the cool of the evening,
rustling the sheer material
of the tattered curtains.

With the smell of age
comes memories.

Odd pieces of thought
brought to remembrance.

Each one spoken on the wind,
as it whispers
through curtains
that have seen too much
of life to be silent.

WhiteRose

I'm still not quite happy with it. I will keep working with it. I appreciate all of the constructive criticism.

[This message has been edited by WhiteRose (07-27-2002 10:30 PM).]

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2002-07-28 07:47 PM

I really like this re-write. i have only two tiny suggestions:

'With the smell of age
comes memories.

Odd pieces of thought
brought to remembrance.'

I think these two thoughts would flow together better in the same stanza, seperated by a comma instead of a period.

'Each one spoken on the wind,'

Here, I think the whole stanza would be strengthened if you used the verb 'speaks' instead of the adjective 'spoken.'

I really like this. Hope I've helped.

Who is John Galt?

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

2 posted 2002-07-30 01:25 PM

Hi Wht Rose,

I too enjoyed this version more than the original and agree with Hush's opinion on the "spoken" comment. However I liked the two stanza's seperate, I thought it added a reflective/reminiscing mood to the piece.

Here's a couple of other suggestions for you to do with them as you please.

"The soft seductive whispers
of summer in the forest
breeze by my window
in the cool of the evening,
rustling the sheer material
of the tattered curtains."

Consider dropping ,"The", from the first line, the second, "the", in line four, and ,"the", in the last line so it would read like:

"Soft seductive whispers
of summer in the forest
breeze by my window
in the cool of evening,
rustling the sheer material
of tattered curtains."

"With the smell of age
comes memories.

Odd pieces of thought
brought to remembrance."

Like I stated earlier, liked these two stanzas as is.

"Each one spoken on the wind,
as it whispers
through curtains
that have seen too much
of life to be silent."

Consider using "speaks" and dropping "on the wind" and incorperating that idea into line three instead by describing how the wind moved the curtains. ie. "Each one speaks/in whispers/through waving curtains", not the greatest example but thought might create more image. I think I might have suggested in the first version, but I'll suggest it again just in case, but consider dropping "of life" in the last line, or just chopping off "of". Dunno, just a suggestion. Anyways, enjoyed the poem, thanks for sharing the rewrite, it was great to see what you've done with this piece.

Trevor

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2002-07-30 01:58 PM

I like Trevor's suggestion on the first stanza but I agree with Hush on combining the second and third into one sentence. I would probably use a dash between them instead of a comma but that is just me.

Another possibility would be to incorporate them as an intro into the last stanza, thus.

With the smell of age
comes memories —
odd pieces of thought
brought to remembrance —
each spoken on the wind,
as it whispers
through curtains
that have seen too much
of life to be silent.

After seeing it that way it doesn't look as good as I thought but it is another idea.

Thanks,
Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (07-30-2002 02:00 PM).]

R. Dean
Junior Member

since 2002-07-26

Posts 37
Illinois--USA

4 posted 2002-07-30 04:08 PM

Rose, this is not too bad. I would make complete sentences out of the last two stanzas, and it would be "come" to go with "memories." One gets the impression from the title, and from the beginning, that this is about the summer breeze, but it becomes more about the curtains at the end. You might wish to decide where your real focus is, and concentrate more on that.

Yours in peace,

Dean

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