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warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 2002-07-27 03:06 PM

He has stored an arsenal of anger,
not having the slightest notion how to tend it;
grenades explode willy-nilly, causing wounds
to those he professes to love and care for,
but continues to scar, again and again.

He says he has felt, given his forgiveness,
yet the stockpile of bitterness burns…
he has not found the means to defuse it,
to stop the shots aimed in their direction,
the ones who care for him the most,
who will, hopefully, still love him
after he empties his snarling cache.

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2002-07-29 08:58 PM

I like the idea here. I think it might be more effective if you didn't spell it out quite so much--let us as readers discover the metaphor and have fun with it as well. For instance, I would drop "to those he professes to love and care for,
but continues to scar, again and again." from the first stanza.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 2002-07-30 01:41 AM

Hi Kirk,

Perhaps the mood of the poem isn't as I intended it to be, as I surely was not having "fun" with the metaphor...I meant it to be taken in a serious manner.

I will consider your suggestion, however, and I thank you for reading and commenting.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

3 posted 2002-07-30 12:46 PM

Hi Kris,

I gotta agree with Kirk on this one. Although I too like the idea behind this poem, it did seem a little too spelled out. I liked "willy-nilly", don't think I've heard that one before and I loved the last line, esp. "snarling cache". However, consider chopping away some unneeded words to tighten it a bit. ie.

"He has an arsenal of anger,(arsenal already implies stored)
not having the slightest notion how to tend it;
grenades explode willy-nilly, causing wounds
he professes to love and care,
but continues to scar, again
and again.(just thought I'd add a line break, maybe like? maybe no?)

He has felt, given his forgiveness,
yet the stockpiled bitterness burns…
he has found no means to defuse it,
to stop shots aimed in their direction,
the ones who care for him the most,
who will, hopefully, still love him
after emptying his snarling cache."

Well that's just a suggestion, and of course you and I both know that it's not to be taken toooo literally. You have some great ideas here and a terrific ending, in fact it is the ending, which in my opinion, made the poem, but, and I hate to say it but I gotta be honest...and you'll probably blast me again for my comments

but... I think it's a good poem as is but could use some tweaking to make it a really a good poem.

Thanks for the read,

Trevor

The Napkin Writer
Member

since 2002-06-28

Posts 70

4 posted 2002-07-30 05:18 PM

Very intelligent piece, interestingly aimed at “him”

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

5 posted 2002-08-02 12:40 PM

Trev,

You had some really good suggestions...I thank you.

Napkin Writer,

Thaks for your kind words. This was not aimed at "him", however, but at an "arsenal of anger".

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

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