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Critical Analysis #2
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caterina
Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188
Canada

0 posted 2002-07-27 11:33 AM




This joint account
charges way too much in fees
for keeping house;
with nothing in return-
it just isn't worth it anymore.

I am going to cancel him out
like a bad cheque,
put him in a folder stamped NSF,
Not Satisfied  -  File,
then take him off my list
of monthly affections,
an unnecessary expense.

He's gone past his limit of lies,
made no deposits to atone;
in fact, he's so overdrawn
and with the interest owed
from past mistakes,
his total debt will never be paid.

I'm the banker, I'll call his loan,
stamp him in bold red letters:
BANKRUPT - 'credit rating: zero.'


caterina



© Copyright 2002 Carol Jane Bleichert - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2002-07-27 02:47 PM


Hi, and welcome to the forum. Overall, I enjoyed this, there are a few suggestions I have.

'for keeping house;
with nothing in return-'

I would omit the semi-colon here... I really don't think any punctuation is necessary between those two lines, it mucks up the flow too much.

As for the last stanza of the poem... I didn't care for that, because it takes the narrator from the point of view of a bank's customer to the banker, a switch I had trouble dealing with. I think your point would be made more clear and powerful if you had the narrator taking power into the hands of the consumer instead of flip-flopping positions into that of a provider of service... keeping the poem on one linear track avoids confusions and contradictions, making the end point of the poem more clear.

Hope I've helped.

Who is John Galt?

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2002-07-29 09:36 AM


Yeah, what Hush said. I really did enjoy it. An interesting viewpoint that I haven't seen before.

Welcome to the forum. And check your email.

Thanks,
Pete

caterina
Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188
Canada
3 posted 2002-07-29 01:53 PM


Hi Hush,

Concerning the semi-colon, you may have a point there and I have questioned that in my mind also.  As for the last stanza, I agree with you there-- always knew that something didn't work but couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was.  The thoughts behind this poem are from the point of view of the person that handles the finances in the household and so it is that person that I refer to as "the banker,"...  what if I were to put " I am the banker in this household and I'll call his loan," would that work?

Thankyou for your suggestion Hush, I appreciate it.

caterina

  

caterina
Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188
Canada
4 posted 2002-07-29 01:55 PM



Thankyou for the welcome NAP and I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.  

caterina


Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
5 posted 2002-07-29 08:54 PM


I was a little thrown by the ending, when it is revealed that the speaker is the metaphorical banker as opposed to someone who held the joint account which will be closed.  For instance, would the banker close an account because the fees he charged were to great?  I would work on trying to make the metaphor consistent.  Good luck on your revisions!

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
6 posted 2002-07-30 12:28 PM


Hello Caterina,

Very interesting metaphor you have for a relationship, don't know if I've seen it done before. I like the idea behind it but I too didn't like the switch from customer to banker at the end. Now on with the show...

"This joint account
charges way too much in fees
for keeping house;
with nothing in return-
it just isn't worth it anymore."

Consider chopping "way" in the second line, perhaps drop the semi-colon or drop it down a line? I like the last line but think that there might be a smoother way to say it, unfortunately I couldn't come up with an example, merely the suggestion.

"I am going to cancel him out
like a bad cheque,
put him in a folder stamped NSF,
Not Satisfied  -  File,
then take him off my list
of monthly affections,
an unnecessary expense."

I really liked this stanza and the metaphors used. One suggestion I have is to omit "out" in the first line, seems like "cancel him" already clarifies that line.

"He's gone past his limit of lies,
made no deposits to atone;
in fact, he's so overdrawn
and with the interest owed
from past mistakes,
his total debt will never be paid."

I like the idea but found the wording a little clunky in this stanza. Also consider a little more vagueness in your metaphors. Also thought a few words could be chopped. For example:

He's past his credit limit,
no payments made;
overdrawn
and with interest
from banking mistakes,
his debt in full
will never be paid.

I played around with some of the words too, hope you don't mind. Maybe not the best example but maybe if you felt like changing this stanza around, it might help inspire a bit.

"I'm the banker, I'll call his loan,
stamp him in bold red letters:
BANKRUPT - 'credit rating: zero.'"

Like I stated previously I'm not all that keen on the role switch. However maybe try a version where in it,you are the banker straight through. I mean it is your love that you are loaning out, might still work. And with that twist you could still incorperate the great ideas and metaphors you already have in this poem.

Anyways, I enjoyed the read, thanks for sharing,

Trevor

caterina
Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188
Canada
7 posted 2002-07-30 03:58 PM


Thanks Trevor for a super crit.  I think a complete overhaul is due for this one. Perhaps scrap the first 2 stanzas and go with something like "your love is like a Line of Credit, overdrawn" and take it from there...  but that could change too, who knows.

Anyway, thanks to all for your input, appreciate it.

caterina


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