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Critical Analysis #2

Rewrite : The Kiss

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

0 posted 2002-07-26 10:07 PM

Beneath the pines and
gracious sunlight their crowning heights allow,
on leaves, needles and nervous sides,
I stole a kiss
from what her father would not permit.
To keep
and answer future whys,
I remember love.

Be
and I’ll be smitten,
till a day after death
when I find reason
to discard moments best filed as,
better than I’ve had since, or
what I’d like my days to be.
I will remember,
hands kept warm in hands
are more fitting than a glove
and never lose that
which was worth stealing.
I dunno, is it getting better or worse? Maybe if I throw in a car chase or explosion it might spruce'er up a bit.

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

1 posted 2002-07-27 08:25 AM

Hi Trevor,

Please don't add a car crash or anything, it would definitely spoil this scene of tenderness expressed in your write. I think if you play around with line breaks that it will all fall into place.

Also, I wanted to mention that the 1st 2 lines in the first stanza, the way it reads now is that the sunlight has the crowning heights and so you might want to switch the wording around there.

Thankyou for welcoming me to the site and for answering my questions concerning your poem, now I understand.

caterina

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-07-27 02:41 PM

I like this better than the original. It seems smoother to me.

In the first two lines, I would add a 'the... I can't remember if you had that in the first?

'Beneath the pines and (the)
gracious sunlight their crowning heights allow,'

Without 'the,' it just sounds funny, unnatural... if I were to speak that sentence, I would naturally supply the 'the.'

'to discard moments best filed as,
better than I’ve had since, or
what I’d like my days to be.'

I would get rid of the comma after as. It's extraneous and distracting. BTW, I really like these few lines.

Overall, I think this poem is really good... the tone is pleasant, and the phrasing you use is interesting. Hope I've helped.

Who is John Galt?

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