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Critical Analysis #2
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The Kiss
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Kiss |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Beneath the pines and what gracious sunlight their crowning heights allow, on leaves and needles and nervous sides, I stole a kiss away from her and what her father would not permit. To keep as my own and answer future whys I remember love. You be you and I’ll be smitten till a day after death or until I find reasons enough to discard moments best filed as better than I’ve had since or what I’d like my days to be and I’ll remember that hands kept warm in hands fit better than any glove made and never to lose that which was worth stealing. |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
I think this is beautiful and very well written. What a sweet subject for a poem. And that which is worth stealing, is always worth keeping. In matters of sweet kisses and such, of course [This message has been edited by WhiteRose (07-26-2002 10:20 AM).] |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Trevor, I'm new here and a bit nervous since this is my first post. First, I would like to say that it is my feeling that men write the most lovely love and romance poems as is indicative here. One poem that particularly sticks in my mind is "Touch Me" by Stanley Kunitz. That is one of my favorites with the last two lines that send shivers up my spine... "remind me who I am, touch me." Having said that I will move on to you work. I have a few suggestions that you might like to consider in your write. I enjoyed it very much btw. I do feel that you can play around with shorter sentences and line breaks here to give it depth. It has depth now, of course, but with just a little more tweaking it can be breathtaking. 1. I would like to see another word instead of gracious, maybe something to tie in with the stolen kiss below. I would imagine this a romantic spot with just the right amount of sunlight permitting such a bold move, so I was thinking on the lines of "permiscuous" ( did I spell that right?) Just a thought. As an example of lines breaks, I would put a comma after pines and line break after the word "sunlight." This is one of my problem areas so take what I say with a grain of salt. 2. stanza 2 - Perhaps you could place a comma after needles, drop the "and" continue with "nerves aside" and then a comma 3. I think you can do without line 4. To me it sounds fine without it and "stole" already takes care of that line anyway. I think L6 in not needed also, it seems to intrude on these romantic thoughts. 4. Line 7 I would drop "as." 5. Stanza 2 - L1 - "You be you" sounds a little off, perhaps just "With you" would be a consideration. 6. L2 - As I am going along I am trying to get rid of unnecessay words and in this line it would be "and" and to my ear it sounds better if "I'll" was "I will be smitten." 7. L3 - why "until the day after death?"-- why not "until the day I die?" 8. L8 - Don't think you really need the word "and." 9. L10 - This line sounded awkward and I had to think on it for awhile but finally, I came up with something, whether it appeals to you or not, it goes like this "more fitting than a glove." What do you think? 10. L11 - Lastly, one little thing-- drop the "and." Great ending. I hope this was beneficial to you and thankyou for a beautiful poem. caterina |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Trevor, I think you have done a good job of expanding on the simple act of "stealing a kiss." It makes me want to be there, if only as a voyuer. I think the first line is too long and would break it at the obvious point. Also if you meant this to be a separate sentence, "To keep as my own and answer future whys I remember love." then a comma at the end of its second line would make it clearer. At least I think that would be better. Nicely done. Oh, and I didn't have a problem at all with "until the day after death." In fact, I thought it helped stress the point as the alternative is such a cliche. Thanks for the read, Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (07-26-2002 01:04 PM).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Wht Rose, thanks for your comments, glad you liked it. Caterina, welcome to CA and thank you for your wonderful critique, helps emmensely. 1. Think I'll keep "gracious". It is the kind favour of the tree to help provide such a setting....I think something along the lines of promiscuity, (I dunno how to spell it either), has more of a sexual connetation whereas the poem isn't really a sexual one but of a first kiss, which is more about puppy love. Also I'll probably try to rewrite it with a line break in L1. 2. Good idea. Had the extra "and" in for the beat but keeps the same flow without. 3. Point taken. 4. Another good suggestion. 5. I struggled with that line and agree its a bit "off". Might just go with "Be yourself" 6. Gonna keep "I'll", wanted it to seem like they are both playing characters, her as herself and him as the smitten. And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver. 7. Because "until the day I die" has been used about ten billion times and I refuse to use that phrase "until the day I die"  Plus I agree with Pete, death plus a day is kinda like saying forever and a day...cause for all we know our lifetime might just be our forever.8. Good chopping sugestion. 9. Hope you don't mind if I outright steal, "more fitting than a glove". Great line, has a nice double meaning to it. 10. Think I'll keep the "and" but drop the "to". Thanks again, your comments were extremely valuable. Hiya Petey Boy, I agree with the break and your suggestion for a comma, was actually going to put that last line in quotations but think it isn't necessary. What's your opinion on that? I think I'm gonna keep the "day after death" line but change "the" to "a". Thanks as always for your helpful comments. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Trev, I like this...the wording, the over-all feeling. The only criticism I have is the lack of punctuation, which makes the reading of a piece so very much more pleasant. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I don't think I would put the last line in quotes. That almost makes it look like you didn't really mean it, if I make any sense. Pete |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Kris, Thanks for comments, I'll try and eliviate any grammatical problems in a rewrite, I too find that sometimes poor grammar throws a piece off. Pete, Thanks, I think I will keep it without the quotations for the reason you stated. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Trev: I would have to say that I enjoyed this more than most of the other poems you've shared. It is both articulate and moving (a combination I happen to think is difficult to pull off). I think you did a good job with both of these elements. I liked the original much better than the rewrite ... mostly because the first seems to read more easily and that, for me, enhances the poem considerably. I want to look more closely at this and will after the weekend when I have more time. For now, you will just have to be satisfied knowing that ol' Jimbo stamps his seal of approval on this one. Jim P.S. I'm a Lutheran, Trevor ... Lutherans drink ... after all this time, I thought you would have gotten the whole ecumenical/evangelical thing straight.  |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Jim, Thanks, glad it got the golden seal from King Bouder I'm now working on another revision thanks to some great critiquing.And as far as the whole Lutheran thing goes .... don't you know by now its so much easier just to clump the masses together. Geeesh, I mean if I were to actually take the time to think of labels for all individuals, I wouldn't have time to trade quips with you. some people's kids....Thanks again Jim, Trevor |
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secretlife Member
since 2002-07-30
Posts 359Grean Earth ,,, |
hiy.. All I can say that I learnt alot from you guyes..and you Trevor, great topic and words... I will be looking forward to read more... good luck.. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi secretlife, welcome to CA and thank you for your kind comments. Trevor |
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