The Soft, Seductive Whispers

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WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

0 posted 2002-07-25 09:21 AM

The soft seductive whispers
of summer in the forest
now breeze by my window
in the cool of the evening,
rustling the sheer material
of the tattered curtains.
With the smell of age
come memories.
Odd pieces of thought,
brought to remembrance
by the scent of summer
on the breeze,
rustling through curtains
that have seen
too much of life
to be silent.

WhiteRose

paladin

Senior Member

since 2001-08-05

Posts 930
Pensacola,Fl.

1 posted 2002-07-25 02:05 PM

Great images.I liked how the poem flowed.

paladin

WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

2 posted 2002-07-25 03:31 PM

Thank you for reading and commenting :-)

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2002-07-26 12:51 PM

Hi Anne,

Very nice. I thoroughly enjoyed reading. At first I thought there were a couple of very minor problems with some words but I have corrected myself

As Paladin said, the flow is excellent and the visual image is striking. I guess I can't find anything else to say.

Thanks,
Pete

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

4 posted 2002-07-26 09:30 PM

Hi Whte Rose,

I too really liked the imagery you presented and thought the ending was terrific. Could picture the setting and mood quite easily. However I found part of this poem repetative, not necessarily a bad thing but I thought I might just point it out. The middle states almost what the first half did. I mean they are a bit different but in ways seem a little too alike.

"The soft seductive whispers
of summer in the forest
now breeze by my window
in the cool of the evening,
rustling the sheer material
of the tattered curtains.
With the smell of age
come memories."

The breeze from the forest causes your old curtains to rustle thereby bringing back memories, then you say,

"Odd pieces of thought,
brought to remembrance
by the scent of summer
on the breeze,
rustling through curtains"

the breeze brings about memories as it blows through your curtains.

Also consider chopping "of" off the second last line.

One suggestion I have that might eliviate the repetition, if you feel that it might be a problem...I dunno though, I might just be alone with this opinion, is cutting down the words in the second half, ie.

"Odd pieces of thought,
the scent of summer
on the breeze,
rustling curtains
have seen
too much life
to be silent."

Errr, maybe not a good example but just a suggestion to think about. Nonetheless I did enjoy the poem but the close repetition ever so slightly threw me off momentarily. Thanks for the read,

Trevor

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

5 posted 2002-07-27 02:56 PM

I like this quite a bit, but I agree about the repetition... I think it's a little too much. Maybe you could do something like this:

'The soft seductive whispers
of summer in the forest
now breeze by my window
in the cool of the evening,
rustling the sheer material
of the tattered curtains.'

here, maybe say "the sheer material that seperates two worlds" I know that's not very good, just something to avoid using the word "curtains" twice

'With the smell of age
come memories.'

'Come' should be 'comes' here, or 'smell' should be 'smells.'

I think that

'Odd pieces of thought,
brought to remembrance
by the scent of summer
on the breeze,'

could be entirely omitted to tighten this up and relieve some of the repetition, and then you could finish off with

'rustling through curtains
that have seen
too much of life
to be silent.'

if you change the period after memories to a comma. I think that brevity would really bring the images more to light, which would really strengthen it since imagery seems to be the main focus of this poem. Hope I've helped.

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