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Critical Analysis #2
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Seeing Red
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Seeing Red |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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You drew me like a breath – Lightly, when the rockets framed your face in red. I tried not to stare When I imagined the taste of lime on your lips And wondered at your faint reflection in the window If you stood close to me Because you wanted to. You drew me like a breath – Sharply, as the lights of Mars framed your face in red. I tried to hide How much I wanted you to taste the lime on my lips Or touch my arm again when you laughed – But I sat close to you Because I wanted to. You draw me like a breath – Deeply, as your lamp frames us both in red, And drawn We taste the lime on one another's lips As inhibitions Slide softly Down your gently arching back – and vanish As though they never were – Because we both know We are right where we want to be And, together, we exhale. [This message has been edited by jbouder (07-26-2002 12:05 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Jim, It's so good to see you back. Sorry but I have to work this morning and will be out all afternoon but I'll get back tomorrow. I did want to take a few seconds and welcome you back though. Geez, with you and Trevor around, this is almost starting to feel like the "good ol' days." Pete |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
I enjoyed this very much. Sweet and sensual. |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
WOW! and I thought I was good! I really don't know how to critique poetry, so I'll just say; WOW! and I thought I was good! |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Perhaps it's the sunset framing the timid faces that hide but don't hide from the lime drenched kiss. I have never been able to interpret your poetry as you meant it to be, I can only bathe in it's beauty. It's so nice to read your poetry again. I have also been absent with things that have to be resolve, but one day soon that will all be over, Best regards liz |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
When I saw the title to this, all I could think of is that song.... ugh.... but I was pleasantly surprised. I did like this quite a bit. 'You drew me like a breath – Lightly, when the rockets framed your face in red.' Here, when you say rockets I think either of war, or the national anthem. Afterwards the thought of fireworks occured to me... maybe something along those lines would set the mood better? 'I tried not to stare When I imagined the taste of lime on your lips And wondered at your faint reflection in the window If you stood close to me Because you wanted to.' I really like this here... the phrasing is straightforward, reminds me a little bit of Richard Brautigan... not overloaded with imagery, but set forth in a gently descriptive style... 'You drew me like a breath – Sharply, as the lights of Mars framed your face in red.' I think this is extraneous and repetitive, and the flow of the entire poem would be enhanced if you removed it. 'I tried to hide How much I wanted you to taste the lime on my lips Or touch my arm again when you laughed – But I sat close to you Because I wanted to.' Once again, I liked this... the only nit I have here is the repetition of 'lime.' In the first stanza, I took the lime imagery to be indicative of margaritas, maybe I'm taking a step in the wrong direction but... what if the taste on your lips was salt? 'You draw me like a breath – Deeply, as your lamp frames us both in red,' I like this... the repetition works in this stanza, I think... you are introducing something new- the present tense... 'And drawn We taste the lime on one another's lips' Once again, I hope I'm not taking too much liberty with your poem... but what if, the lime on her lips, the salt on yours... instead of repeating the same component three times, the lime and salt together could be "the margarita of our kiss," or something along those lines? I just think it would be a neat metaphor for the joining of two parts as a whole... 'As inhibitions Slide softly Down your gently arching back – And vanish As though they never were –' I think this might read a little better if formatted differently. I really like the word choice, and most of the spacing, but I think the first dash is too mach of a halt... I personally don't see a need for any punctuation at that point... and what if you put 'and' on the end of that line, leaving 'vanish' on a line by itself... the word is so wistful and airy, I think it could fill the space of one line... it's a word a read can pause on, take their time with, because it's so breathy, and... sexy... I think it would be cool to let the reader linger on it... 'Because we both know We are right where we want to be And, together, we exhale.' I think 'want to be' is kind of weak... wanting is a pretty passive verb... something more passionate than 'want' might convey the point better here... I like the last line quite a bit, very sensual, and it rounds the poem off perfectly. Other than that, my only suggestion is to maybe not capitalize every beginning line, only the beginning of a sentence... I know it might seem like I have a lot of criticism to give... but all in all, I really liked this poem a lot. Thanks for the thought-provoking read tonight. (this morning?) Hope I've helped. Who is John Galt? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: It is good to finally have the liberty to be back. I plan on sticking around for a while. WhiteRose & Mr. Napkin: Whether or not either of you realize it, you both did offer criticism of the poem. Reduced to the simplist level, "I liked it" or "I didn't like it" are indeed criticisms. Where you take it from there might be, "I liked it (or didn't like it) because ...". Commenting on what the poem evoked, or didn't evoke, in you is a good start to offering another writer some valuable input. By the way ... the recipient of the poem liked it quite a bit as well. Elizabeth: Thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it. Hush: Thank you for the excellent advice. Formatting free-verse is not my forte (yet) and I will take your input and look at my poem closely. Coronas were actually the drinks I described. If they were margaritas, I would certainly include saltiness in the poem ... that hints at another layer of sensuality and could work well with this poem. However, the moments I described were actual events and I doubt the recipient of the poem would take kindly to me asserting poetic license into historical events.  Richard Brautigan, huh? Thank you VERY much. "Mars" actually refers to a trendy bar in downtown Harrisburg (The Mars Bar). I will think about ways to soften the repetition. I agree with you that it weakens this stanza. Your advice on "vanish" is excellent. I will make the change (I wrestled with this one as I crumpled sheet after sheet writing in my car). I will also try to strengthen the "want" line. Thank you for staying up late and replying. I appreciate it. Jim |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Yo Jimbo, To be honest I didn't like this poem too much until about the third read, then I was able to immerse myself in the setting. Personally I had drawn the picture of you and your wife...or concubine, standing in front of a window on the fourth of July after the kids were in bed, drinking, and yes I guessed correctly on the drink, Corona's and letting the slow seduction of one another begin. I thought Mars was literal in the sense that you were trying to convey that all the stars were out....Now whats a good christian like you doing at a bar?...with your wife of all people? What there aren't enough women at a bar that you have to bring one along I liked a lot of Hush's suggestions regarding edits. However I disagree with the repetition weaking the poem. I think the slight changes, within the almost repeatative phrases, is what gives it a slow seduction type of moody thingy. I also really liked Hush's idea of having "Vanish" by itself and changing "want" to something a little more aggresive. Even if you just change it to need it adds more of a climax to the whole picture.One thing I didn't like all that much was "Down your gently arching back", just seemed like I have read that line in too many other poems. I mean it works and holds to the idea, but perhaps something else might work better? Also I thought the ending was okay in idea but seemed a little weak in wording. "exhale" seems more of a sign of relief rather than of pleasure between to people coming together. And I meant coming in a biblical and not a porno shop way. But then again it does fit the scheme of things, the whole "draw you like a breath", so maybe you should keep it and ignore what I just said. But then again, why are you asking me? It's your poem....man, the nerve of some people.  And that's my two cents, thanks for the read, it was enjoyable, Trevor |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ok, I'm late enough now that Hush and Trevor have pretty well covered the bases as far as critique and everyone else has approved of the poem (myself included). I do have one comment, based more on your explanation than the poem though. Like Trevor, I took Mars as literal. If you intended it some other way, you need to make that more clear to the general reader. Of course, the subject of the poem would understand but the rest of us would not. Thanks for another nice bit of writing. But, of course, we have come to expect that from you. Thanks, Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Teach, I must say that I never remember you writing anything quite like this ever before. You had a couple of romantic poems, but they were more on the classical side. This is much different...and I like it very much. "You drew me like a breath –"...I liked the way you used this line and other references (the lime, the red, because I/you wanted to) to make the work cohesive, while you used imagery and subtle emotions to bring the two together in the close of the poem. Nice work...I enjyed. "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yep Kris, looks like he has changed his style some while he was away. Did you notice from his photo though that he hasn't got any older. Geez, how did he manage that? Pete |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
Hi, Jim. I've never had the oppurtunity to critique a poem of yours before, and after reading this, my fingers were itching lol... alas, once I scrolled down to the replies, I find, like Pete, most of what I would say has already been covered... so let's get on with the compliments, shall we? lol I wish I had written this one, because it traces the feelings of my own experience so perfectly... and does it simply (note hush's reference to "gentle description): "If you stood close to me Because you wanted to." see? how alone it might seem part of a lesser piece... but here is the singular part to the most tender, coupled lines. finished with: We taste the lime on one another's lips As inhibitions Slide softly Down your gently arching back – and vanish As though they never were – ...ooooohhhh *shuddering sigh*... I'm glad I'm sitting at home.  needless to say, I like it, I like it a LOT... thanks so much for sharing. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris & Pete: I suppose people have been known to change in shorter periods of time. Kris, I am glad that you liked it. That means much to me. I plan on updating the photo soon too. Trevor: Thanks for the comments. I appreciate them. Actually, as I think about it, it's my poem so who the heck do you think you are telling me what you think I should do with it! Seriously, I will look closely at the poem and make as many changes as my "concubine" will permit. Elizabeth: Nice to meet you. I'm glad the poem moved you. Thanks for the fine compliments. Jim P.S. I wonder if there is any chance the Ogre will leave his lair and give me the fine flogging I've come to miss over the past year. |
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