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Home from the Hill
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Home from the Hill |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
Home from the Hill Slowly, the sun approaches She must now make her way For, her nights are long From her home, she has strayed A sense, to be needed No longer do she feel Between four walls of gloom She spend her nights, on the hill Such a place embraced By, the moonlights’ glow A place where souls inspire To what, she need to know To fill a void, from her pleasures’ depth Secret fantasies, that she kept In blissful tears, as she wept..... Who holds her heart? They say there is none Only peace with God Where she, is not shun So she visits the hill Each and every night In search of compassion To ease her plight Yet, home from the hill In the mornings’ mist She carries two tears And a single, kiss © 2001 The Napkin Writer |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I think you may have a good start here but it really needs some work on grammar and punctuation. Subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, etc and a couple of seemingly forced rhymes. These errors make it hard to read, therefore hard to recognize any underlying beauty. JMHO, Pete |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Napkin Writer, like the name you chose. Reminds me to check all my old cigarette packs and matches for notes and ideas. "Slowly, the sun approaches She must now make her way For, her nights are long From her home, she has strayed" I agree with what Pete has said about this poem in regards to grammer and punctuation. I don't think a comma is needed in the first or third line although I can appreciate the use of it in the first line as a break. As far as the last line's comma I'm not sure if that is proper use or not. However I read the line several times and think even if the comma was gone that the break I believe you are trying to achieve is still there because of word useage and where the stresses are located in that line. "A sense, to be needed No longer do she feel Between four walls of gloom She spend her nights, on the hill" Again personally I don't believe comma's are necessary in this stanza. If you're trying to achieve a break and make the reader stop and breathe on a line, perhaps have a line change. Also the grammer in this stanza needs a few little checks unless of course you are trying to achieve a certain mood or style by you grammatical use. "Such a place embraced By, the moonlights’ glow A place where souls inspire To what, she need to know" I liked this stanza, it flowed well and like the content with the exception of "need", perhaps add an "s" to the end of it. I also thought this stanza could live without the commas. One more suggestion, if in this stanza you are talking of a place where not just the woman has gone to find comfort and answers, but a place where many have been before for the same reasons, then you might consider changing the "she" on the last line to "they". That way it more directly incoperates all because currently it reads almost as if souls inspire to find what she needs to know and not that souls inspire to what they need to know. "To fill a void, from her pleasures’ depth Secret fantasies, that she kept In blissful tears, as she wept....." Again I think that line changes instead of commas would work better for this stanza. Also I don't think the "...." work as an ending to this stanza. "Who holds her heart? They say there is none Only peace with God Where she, is not shun" Comma didn't seem necessary in the last line also consider changing "shun" to "shunned". Not an exact rhyme but close enough that you'll probably get away with it. "So she visits the hill Each and every night In search of compassion To ease her plight Yet, home from the hill In the mornings’ mist She carries two tears And a single, kiss" I liked the last two stanzas although I thought you could drop the commas in the last stanza. Originally I had trouble with "secret fantasies" from a few stanzas earlier, however, with "single kiss" as the ending I think it ties it in nicely. My interpretation is this woman is not only seeking answers to her own life but also someone to share her life with and love her unconditionally like God. So she waits, prepared only to give her true love that special kiss. Well that's what I got out of it. Thanks for letting me read this poem. Take care, Trevor |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
hello NW, i agree with both trevor and NAPoet about the comma usage. but i must say i really did enjoy the poem. i just had a couple of questions though. what is it about this hill that makes this person cry? i think that more explination of the emotion and why and where it is comming from. also another thing that i noticed was that when this person leaves the house, it is about to become night...right? when she is at the hill it is night. and when she is returning home, it is the break of morning. if that is correct then i dont think the usage of approaches in the line "slowly, the sun approaches" should be used. it implies that the sun is comming up. meaning there is a error of time used within the poem. nonetheless the poem was nice to read...thank you |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
Thanks, Travor, Not A Poet, you're definitely right about those commas! I've moved them back and forth, in and out, trying to get the right effect. I've had the same problems with most of the pieces that I write. It's almost like "I have to write the way it comes out." Mostly, I should leave the pieces alone until I get help editing, but I keep thinking "I" can make them better, but I've still got a lot to learn on that subject. As for those five dots, they have a story, but I’m not sure I want to say. Permiabilities, The “hill” is a sacred place where poets meet to tell their poems aloud. I should say though, that the person is a married grandmother, who has sacrificed her own dreams of becoming a poet early in life for the sake of her family. She later finds love with one of the poets there, (a divorced grandfather), but because of her moral obligations to her family, they part every night in tears. The kiss is the limit of how far they are willing to go, in establishing an adulteress affair. “Slowly the sun approaches,” if you’ve ever spent mornings on the east coast, where you can watch the sun rise every morning, everyday, you find something new of the surroundings, that the sun reveals every detail of, and if you’re one who commune with nature, you will notice the details. For instance, after a while, you can see the sun, as it touches each wave in the ocean. And, no one ever writes, the sun ran across the ocean, “it is almost, always, walking.” Anyway, thanks again for the replies, they were right on point….. Originally Yours, |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Napkin Writer: I loke the idea and I think you've painted some good images for us here. I especially like the last lines describing the two tears and a single kiss. Admittedly, I believed at least one of the tears was Mercury (the "morning star"), but I've seen the sun rise on the East Coast and I can see what you are saying. I won't belabor the grammatical points, seeing that my old pals have already addressed the subject thoroughly. What I might recommend is that you loosen up the rhyme scheme and seeing how that improves the flow of the story. At times, the rhyme seems to control the line, rather than seeming a natural part of it. I like the story. I like how you presented the personified sun. But I think a "free-er" verse would strengthen the poem. Just an opinion. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
I like the poem, but this line was confusing. No longer do she feel. Is it supposed to be "does"? Grammar and such is not my "forte" so to speak. |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
"I don't doubt that it should be." You will find that most of my poetry breaks most of the rules. It's no excuse, but I like the way most of my poetry has survived. I will in the future work with punctuation, but I'll never change the words, or structure of my poetry; because "I believe, that poetry is an extension of the authors' life, and life itself can be very unbalanced and confusing. And even when we make those small adjustments in life, it is still sometimes confusing." Besides, does, does not work for me, I think! Anyway, thanks for the reply, Originally Yours, |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I don't think confusing was the proper description. The grammatical errors are more distracting to me than confusing. And improperly used words are much more so than incorrect punctuation. If you insist on making such mistakes as saying "I does" or "she do" then I am afraid you will get less and less support as time wears on. A writer who refuses to learn from his critiques is soon likely to find that he receives none. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I simply can't find any softer way to say it. Besides, that has already been done above. JMHO, Pete |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Napkin, "It's almost like "I have to write the way it comes out." Mostly, I should leave the pieces alone until I get help editing, but I keep thinking "I" can make them better, but I've still got a lot to learn on that subject." I think most people write that way. No one can edit to a final draft as they write their first draft, but nothing wrong with working on it yourself and trying new formats, words, etc. to improve or change a poem. And all of us here have a lot to learn on improving our work, otherwise we'd be writing books instead of farting around on the internet  Except for Elizabeth Corr and her last poem....damn that was good, I was blown away by it, you should read if you get the chance, if you haven't already."As for those five dots, they have a story, but I’m not sure I want to say." Then perhaps expand on it or chop it out. Seems pointless to the reader without an explanation. I mean what's the point of saying I have a story to tell but then say nothing. Also, consider expanding on your ideas. After reading your explanation to Perm. I thought two things, one, you could keep the ideas the way they are and allow the reader to form their own stories that are seperate from the true idea, or two, you could expand on it to try and bring more readers closer to the truth of the story. Think of readers as kids walking into a classroom on a subject they know nothing about. The subject is your life. As a teacher its your job to educate these kids as much as possible without steering them in the wrong direction, that is if you want them to know who you are or what you think or what your opinions on life are. It all depends on your intention, nothing wrong with keeping it vague as long as you don't mind ten different readers coming up with ten different versions of what your poem is about. Also I wanted to comment on your reply to Wht Rose. "You will find that most of my poetry breaks most of the rules. It's no excuse, but I like the way most of my poetry has survived." This comment isn't intended to be insulting but I wouldn't consider your work to be avante-garde or ground breaking, which would imply that you were breaking the "rules". However, my opinion is that poetry has no rules, nothing does, just imaginary guidelines with real reprecussions. In writing there are guidelines set up by teachers based upon a trend or the past in language (or something like that) and readers, set up through their reading habits and preferances, but other than that, blast away with your own voice. I do agree with you in the sense one should always feel free to express themselves however they choose but then the author should not have any expectations from their reader. With that said though, I do feel that you are probably at the stage of writing for more than yourself, otherwise you wouldn't be posting. You, like all here, want to write something that makes people stand up and take notice, or are woking on doing such. And again, with that said, you should probably take into consideration how a reader interprets your poetry to help form, if only slightly, the way you write. "but I'll never change the words, or structure of my poetry; because "I believe, that poetry is an extension of the authors' life, and life itself can be very unbalanced and confusing. And even when we make those small adjustments in life, it is still sometimes confusing." True enough, valid point, (but then again why bother to edit), the flipside is that life can also be structured and an author changing towards the influence of the masses, at least occasionally and a little, is inevitable. My opinion is that having the odd grammatical or spelling "error" for the sake of the author alone, doesn't accurately describe what you just said about life's teeter totter. It just leaves the reader thinking that the author missed an error. However, if you develop a consistency to that style and have specific meanings attached to what some might call spelling or grammatical "mistakes", then you can most definitly validate your use of those words. We are patterned beast therefore we draw conclusions and meanings from the patterns we see in the use words. For example, if you wrote a poem about the confusion and disallusionment found in life you could title it, or use in it, "Lief" or "Liaf" or "Liphe", etc to help define your interpretation of life's confusion. Or perhaps if a poem was about a more "raw" subject such as abuse, murder, rape, alcoholism you could drop letters or mis-spell words or cut grammatic corners at appropriate spots to give it more "edge" or impact. Like if a woman was being struck by an abusive husband she might just say, "Don't do, don't do", rather than, "Please sir, don't do it, don't hit me." It might more accurately represent the mood and emotion behind a scene. But like I said earlier, there are no rules, just very wide guidelines that may or may not help an author and their readers. That most definetly applies to this post. Nonetheless it's apparent you are trying to form your own voice through your words and I can appreciate and respect that....but I don't know if that's just me justifing my use of some words and my horrible spelling Thanks, take care, Trevor |
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