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Critical Analysis #2
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Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667
New York

0 posted 2002-07-16 02:16 PM


Hanging from the sky
on the telephone wire we all sit
we sit online
and write a poem or two
maybe even more

Count by fives
The blessings we have been brought
a hug from me to you
we sit online
write a poem or two

What good friends we are
Hanging from the sky
Telephone me Telephone me
We can talk all night
Here online we sit
and write a poem or two

© Copyright 2002 Kellie M. Cantrell - All Rights Reserved
Permiabilities
Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27

1 posted 2002-07-17 07:30 PM


hi kelie, i must say i like your poem. it was very creative i thought. i loved some of the imagery used also. i think that the poem could have been stronger if it was structured a little more...let me see if i can show you what i mean.

Hanging from the sky...
on the telephone wire we all sit,
we sit online *this line sounds a little too repetative of the previous line

and write a poem or two...
maybe even more *you ended the other 2 stanza with "write a poem or two". this last line shows an inconsistancy between the rest of the stanzas

Count by fives,
The blessings we have been brought...
a hug from me to you *being online you cant give physical "hugs" maybe this line you can tweek a little to make it sound more poetic or use more imagery

we sit online.
"and" write a poem or two... (other 2 stanzas have "and" at the begining of this line. you can add it here for consistancy and flow)

What good friends we are,
Hanging from the sky...
Telephone me Telephone me *dont know about this line...maybe get rid of it JMO
We can talk all night,
Here online we sit...
and write a poem or two...

also, i think there should be more usage of punctuation. if you noticed i threw them in to show you what i mean. i hope this helps...

[This message has been edited by Permiabilities (07-17-2002 07:31 PM).]

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
2 posted 2002-07-22 06:02 PM


Hi Kellie,

Essentially I agree with what Perm' has said about your poem. I liked the idea behind the words but I too thought it lacked the imagery and wording to successfully capture the reader. Perhaps consider expanding on computers (and their users), the poems we write or more indepth on how we relate, etc. Well that's just my opinion, thanks for the read. Take care,

Trevor

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
3 posted 2002-07-23 05:58 PM


Kellie:

My suggestions are not much different from the others.  I would recommend that you latch onto something concrete and wrap your poem around it. Your use of language is fine ... I just had a harder time finding something to sink my teeth into.  Could just be my preference and, as I am capable of offering nothing else, this is only my opinion.

Thanks for the read.

Jim

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