»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Love was an Ice Cream Headache
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Love was an Ice Cream Headache |
|
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Love was an Ice Cream Headache by Kirk T Walker love was an ice cream headache came of something sweet consumed immoderately intensely palatable intensely painful breif then gone so quickly forgotten Kirk T Walker Copyright ©2000 |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Star T Member
since 2002-07-12
Posts 182Philadelphia, US |
u know,i dont completely agree with ur illustration of love.for one,it is not quickly forgotten,not if its the real thing.but u did a good job putting the poem together. |
||
|
The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
When I read poetry, I like to pick up the piece and say yes, this could me! I think this piece speaks of our fear of repeating the heartbreak and pain we suffer when ending loving relationships. Reading poetry that I find personal clarity in is important to me. But, in all fairness, I must agree with Star, “love” is never forgotten! Masqueraded, but not forgotten! Nice job….. Ps, never mind the copy write errors, I never look at that kind of stuff, LOL |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think you misspelled 'brief.' Other than that, I really like the first three lines of this. After that, I thnk it gets kind of 'telly...' I don't really get much oomph from 'intensely palatable/intensely painful...' I just think this could be much improved if you expanded, or at least incorporated a unique metaphor like the one used in the first line, something other than just name nebulous ideas... Hope I've helped. Love is a ghost train rumblin' through the darkness... |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Thank you all for your comments! Yes, hush, thanks for catching the spelling error (i before e except after c!) Also, you picked up on one of my main concerns--lack of imagery. I felt like this work may need more imagery, but I didn't want to distract from the message with a lot of sticky-sweet images. Still not sure. Thanks for the comments. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Kirk, instead of looking for another metaphor, why not try expanding on the one you started with? Also, for some reason intensely doesn't sound all that poetic. Maybe you could find another word that still conveys your meaning. In any case, I sure wouldn't use it twice. Nice feeling here, Pete |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Thanks for the input, Pete. I sincerely appreciate it. Any suggestions for poetic replacements of intensely? Extremely doesn't seem to work either, nor incredibly, etc. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
No good ones yet. That's why I didn't suggest any yesterday. Pete |
||
|
Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
okies..I don't know why I'm in here except that this poem has caught my eyes in "today's topics" for a day or two. I hope I dont' make an idiot of myself. I agree abou the imagery. (but then I'm an imagery addict, so wouldn't ya know?) I disagree with everyone disagreeing about the way love is described. What is being missed here is the word "was", which says to me that this is written in such a way that descrives an individuals experience with it, and not a description of how a bigger group of people might or could describe it. (does that make sense?) If it had said "love 'is'..." then it would have made more sense to make the comments above. (I know! I know! smack me if I'm rambling) Hmmm.. Intensely I agree that it doesn't really fit, and not especially in two lines one right before the other. As far as another word for intensely, I don't have one either. If you're going to stick with the format of it, using a few words in one line to make an impact, why not just use "palatable" and "painful" in each line and leave it at that? I think this could be written two ways, really... One in a simple message like you have it and using the suggestions made here and taking out the ice cream headache line. Two: using the ice cream metaphor using the suggested oommph that hush mentioned, but still sticking to your taste not to use a bunch of distracting sticky/sweet descriptions. Ummm..  I think thats all for now. Hope my two cents didn't sound too off the wall.  I will not bend to the cowardice of a silent judgement. |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Temptress: Thanks for your thorough reply! I will take all of your comments into consideration when making my revisions. [This message has been edited by Kirk T Walker (07-17-2002 02:46 PM).] |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hey Kirk: Why does eating ice cream always leave me feeling thirsty? That's probably another poem. Anyway, given the title, I expected a little more "pain" (i.e., I was looking for more irony). I agree with the others that the repetition of "intensely" doesn't work very well. Perhaps "suddenly painful"? Now it's been a long time since I suffered from brain freeze, but it seems to be that the onset is quite sudden and unexpected. "Intensely" also doesn't seem to me to be particularly descriptive (kinda like a "very" on steroids). Maybe some metaphor or simile would help. I like the idea and I certainly agree that love can result in a brain freeze of a sort. I'd like to see you play with this idea a little more. Thanks for the read. It was good seeing your work again. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (07-24-2002 08:15 PM).] |
||
|
WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
Ice cream leaves everybody thirsty. :-) I like this poem for it's originality. Nicely written. |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Kirk, I really liked the idea of this poem, but agree with hush, Jim and others. The brain freeze thing came to me right away, too. Perhaps if you changed it to something like, Oh, so smooth, then comes the brain freeze.... or something similar. Then you'd get rid of those "intensely" lines. Can't wait for the re-write! Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Kirk, First off, loved the metaphor and secondly, gotta go with the flow on this one and say that you could do a lot more with the imagery, etc. to show the comparison a bit better. Thanks for the read, Trevor |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Thank you all for your comments! I will take them into consideration. Jim: I liked your suggestion of "suddenly" and think I will definitely use it to replace the second "'very' on steroids". |
||
|
caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Walker, I haven't read the other crits so if I repeat anything already mentioned then you'll know the reason why. First, I think you need another title since you have it in the 1st line of the stanza. Also, for myself, I don't feel that a love that went bad can quickly be forgotten, but then that is just me. It is possible I guess. I have a couple of suggestions you can mull over, don't know if it will help but I'll take a stab at it. I like this btw. Love was an ice cream headache ** I like this, a good strong opening line. came of something sweet ** this line sounds awkward to me, perhaps you could find another way of saying "came of something" or you could change that line to "a sweet taste or a tantalizing taste" consumed immoderately ** again, I am having difficulty with that word-- immoderately. Perhaps "consumed in haste" which you would get some internal rhyme if used with my suggestion above... taste/haste. intensely palatable ** I think that if you drop "intensely" and just go with palatable, it would be fine. intensely painful ** again, drop intensely and then describe what that pain felt like, something the reader can relate to that ties in with the ice cream... an ice numbing pain, stabbing pain, crippling pain etc. brief then gone ** perhaps find a better word for "gone" like dissipates, disappears, the word "gone" is kind of blah. so quickly forgotten ** as I said ealier, I don't feel that it is something that one would forget so easily. If this ending is going to stay, then I would drop "so." Ok, that's it, hope some of my suggestions help, if not, that's ok too. caterina |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
