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Sending for my Angel
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Sending for my Angel |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
Sending for my Angel Sometimes when the night is black and the moon shines shades of orange... I sit in my room drowning in pity... and i think of what this cheated life has given me. I can’t think of anything but of the sky I just sit waiting for my dark angel to take me away on his broken, unholy wings. We fly pass the cold earth where my childhood rotted away in sorrow and despair… We coast over the gray skies and dreary clouds that have hovered over my head… We soar through space and through the stars which i have wished upon so many frigid nights. He leads me to a place where there are nothing more than breezes. Comfortable breezes that compels me to close my eyes. And i float, just tasting the breezes with my angel. When my eyes open, i see a orange moon. And i keep on sitting in my room.... thinking of what this cheated life has given me. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
You have a lot of plural/singular disagreements here... I think you started out with some nice imagery, but fell back on cliche's like 'dark angel' and 'broken wings' that don't really tell the reader anything at all... I would suggest looking at the first few lines and trying to re-route the entire poem back that way. Hope I've helped. Love is a ghost train rumblin' through the darkness... |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Permiabilities, I like the imagery and story you are trying to achieve with this poem however I agree with Hush about falling back on the cliched lines and words. I really liked the idea of a place where only breezes exists. Very interesting idea. It might be a good idea to expand on your current descriptions to help eliviate any cliches. For example: "Sometimes when the night is black and the moon shines shades of orange" Instead of just describing the night as "black" you could expand on it. How black was it? What mood does the darkness of night procure? Another example is : "Comfortable breezes that compels me to close my eyes. And i float, just tasting the breezes with my angel." In what way were the breezes comfortable? What did they feel like? What did they taste like? The more depth you can offer the reader the better the chance of totally taking the reader on this journey with you. Anyways, thanks for the read. Take care, Trevor |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
thank you both on your opinions. i will take them into consideration when i do my re-write. i will post soon with what i have done....thank you again both *any other opinions are more than welcomed* |
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